Well, I send out emails to people trying to convince them to watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I trumpet it as a wity drama that discusses politics, religion, corporations, etc in an intelligent manner. Then it goes on hiatus. Then it comes back reaking of mediocrity.

Guy asks girl out. Girl says yes. Guy's boss then says he has to go on a fake date with another girl in order to [oh heck, it doesn't matter WHY he has to do this. all you need to know is that his boss ordered him to go on a fake date].

Does the Guy A) tell the girl the truth and reschedule the date? or B) lie about why he has to back out of the date and cross his fingers that she's not going to find out?

How does this compelling saga end? Well, if you guessed that the girl would be at the function and wind up seeing guy on this "date", you must have watched Three's Company, the forefather of storylines based entirely on a stupid misunderstanding.

Oh, and the other couple we are supposed to care about got locked on a roof and couldn't get cell phone reception.

Good bye studio 60. I won't care when you get cancelled now.

according to marksfriggin, here's what happened an hour before the omlette encounter

Artie's mouth was full of cookies but he tried talking about that until Howard told him to finish chewing.
Artie said that he almost drove himself to a psychiatric hospital yesterday. He said he went home, went to sleep and then got up around 7. He had a nice dinner and then went to bed but he kept eating the leftovers he had. He had breaded chicken cutlets and two slices of pizza. He said he loads up on shit just so he has it in his apartment. He said that he ate the chicken and the pizza and he's back to drinking soda as well. Then he needed something chocolate so he got three Hershey bars.
Artie said he had gotten some of those huge Hershey bars and put them in the microwave to warm them up because they had been in the refrigerator. He heated it perfectly to where they were soft in the middle and hard on the sides. He was eating it with a spoon and almost started to cry because he couldn't stop eating it. He said that he has to eat so he doesn't think about any drugs or anything like that.
Howard said that he had a bowl of shredded wheat when he got hungry. Artie said he wouldn't even know where to get shredded wheat. Robin told Artie he really needs to get help with that. He has to figure out why he has to do that stuff. Howard said the shrink will make him figure out why he has to fill himself with that stuff. He said that maybe his parents did something that makes him want to do that stuff.
Artie said that he almost started to cry when he was eating that chocolate. He joked that he was still overwhelmed by the gas leak thing. He said he went to sleep after that so Howard asked him if he got the runs after eating that. Artie said he took the paper into the bathroom with him and read the story about how Dallas had lost because he wanted to read that again. He said that it's pretty awful after eating chocolate like that because it splatters all over the toilet. He figures that Dana ducked a bullet by not staying with him.

I knew I was in trouble when I put Stern on while getting ready for work. The show is so good that I wind up not being able to turn it off. Today was extra troubling because after the live broadcast, they are replaying the first show (1/9/06) and then another show w/ the 10 best clips of all time. In other words, if there was something good on in the morning, there was not necessarily going to be a chance to catch a replay of it.

ANYWAY....

I'm sure the majority of listeners did not enjoy this little moment as much as I did, but to me, this is the reason why I listen every morning. As you know, Artie is battling an ongoing weight problem. Well, that's not enitrely accurate, as at this point, he basically waiving the white flag and admitting defeat. The closest he's come to dieting is giving up Soda for New Years (and switching to Hi/C fruit punch.

Stern and the rest of the group have poetically bounced back and forth between "tough love" and "morbid curiosity". They tell Artie he has a problem, and try to get him to slow down, while also enjoying the disgusting display of glutiny. You can't help but feel bad for Artie, while simultaneously laughing at his plite.

This morning, in honor of their first year on the air, Sirius brought in a breakfast buffet for the show.

Gary barked into his microphone that the food was going fast, and that anyone on the air who wanted something should put the order in now.

While looking at video of the buffet, Artie commented on how nice the ommlette station looked. He started to hint that he wanted an omlette made for him when Howard cut him off (not intentionally, he just started talking) and told Gary that it was nice of him to offer, but everyone outside the studio should enjoy the breakfast.

Artie then got quiet. Gary then got very motherly and directly asked Artie if he would like something. Artie was shy, but Gary forced it out of him that he'd enjoy a cheese omlette. "How about i make you a nice little dish, would you like that? The omlette, a little bacon, maybe a bagel." Artie perked right up and got excited.

Howard then jumped in and encouraged Artie to eat. "Gary, make it extra cheese, my boy needs his nurishment." I think Howard got the vibe that Artie was embarassed about making the food request, and was trying to make it easier on him (by making a joke of it).

Then, 30 seconds later, Howard goes "wait, you don't want the bagel too, do you? Didn't I already see you eat a bagel this morning? Don't you feel disgusting eating two bagels for breakfast?"

Artie couldn't defend himself. His pain is my pleasure.

[i'm in italics]

Correlation does NOT equal causation.



Can Diet Soda Make You Gain Weight?

color my surprised.

http://knuttz.net/hosted_pages/Console-Evolution-20070103

Last year's Jack Black (w/ "Lazy Sunday") xmas SNL show was re-aired this week. I'm a sucker for JB, so I left it on. There was a skit (and yes, i know the word "skit" is offensive to "sketch comedy" writers, and that's exactly why I'm using it) that centered around a family sitting at a pizza place next to the door.

Ok, here's the joke: it's windy and cold, and when the door opens, the wind blows. Get it? You sure you don't need me to repeat it 6 times? B/c SNL didn't trust their audience to get it right away, so they had to keep running the same joke until they got to the punchline.

Sadly, this is what I think happened in the writing meeting. Someone came up with the idea, which is moderately clever (or, at the very least, has a "yeah, I can relate to that, it's cold when you sit by the door) and probably even had the climax (the wind blows so hard that the old grandmother gets blown in the air and then comes crashing down) thought out. But, that's a 30 second skit, not a 3 minute one. So they had to add filler. And the filler is what ruined the bit.

Door opens once to set up the bit.

Door opens a second time with nothing funny added.

JB tries to switch seats, but gets outraced to the open table by a homeless guy. completely irrelevant.

Door opens a third time, nothing funny added.

Pizza comes, but door opens a fourth time, and the pizza gets blown in the waiters face. This wasn't funny at all, but at least it was an attempt to add to the joke.

Door opens a 5th time, and the grandmother flies away, only to have a dummy come crashing down. Sort of funny, in a non funny kind of way. I mean, at least i could tell that was the punchline of the skit.

The middle part has to go. I don't care if SNL needs to have 100 writers on its staff and 50 sets ready to go in the studio. It HAS to stop stretching 1 joke skits into 3 minutes. It's too painful. Just plow through non stop small gags. Hit or miss, but then move on.

People really don't comprehend how a sit com works. On the E! true hollywood story of Friends, they were discussing how the actors fared after the show. The "experts" (btw, there's a side rant on how pathetic these people are for devoting their lives to knowing OTHER people's lives inside and out) kept going on and on about how funny the actors were on Friends, but how they weren't as funny on others shows. I don't have exact quotes, but it was clear that they weren't fully grasping the concept that the actors are just reading someone else's lines.

Sure, comedy requires a certain degree of innate timing, and perhaps there was some adlibbing or unique delivery going on. But in the end, you are only as funny as the writers behind you. Friends had decent writers. It's not Matt Leblanc's fault that Joey did not have the same writers. How is this a hard concept to understand?

Of course, I think I'm just bitter b/c they said Studio 60 wasn't that big a hit. That's a testament to the stupid american audience, NOT the quality of the show.

can't you picture michael doing "one bank"?

http://www.ifilm.com/collection/18220?sublisting=mostrecent&page=1&numPerPage=10

btw, average homeboy, and the asian seizure girl (on page 3) are also classics.

I'm not much of a football watcher, but tonight i figured out that i can record two programs at once w/ my DVR, so i am recording the chiefs/chargers game alongside family guy. When I read that LT had a 84 yard td run, i figured it was worth watching. I'm so sorry I did.

The Chiefs partially blocked a punt, that wound up rolling forward. One of the KC players then haphazardly reached for the ball, but was unable to catch it (as it bounced around in the air). A Charger then fell on top of it.

Here were my initial thoughts: "Wow, I can't believe that player didn't realize that by touching the ball, he was making it live again and was risking the chance that SD could recover".

Al Michaels, who's been doing games for 20 years (I think), had this initial comment: "it doesn't matter that san diego fell on the ball....it will be Kansas City's possession."

After some initial confusion, the refs huddled up and then announced this: "The receiving team blocked the punt. However, they then touched the ball after it had crossed the line of scrimage. San diego recovered, and it will thus be 1st and 10 for San diego".

Simple enough, right? Wrong. Michaels: "hmm, it looks like they are reversing their call. It looks like San diego is getting the ball back, but..."

Madden jumps in: "I don't understand...I can't figure out how a team who blocks a punt could then lose posession. I guess what they are saying, what would have had to occur, is this: they are saying that KC obtained possession and then lost possession during the return."

Michaels, perhaps feeling the egg on his face: "well, the ref's initial comments were cut off, so we don't really know why they are ruling this way. and now Herm Edwards wants clarification on the rule. Hmm, whatever they are telling Herm, he seems satisfied with it".

[note: the refs innitial comments were NOT cut off.]

John Madden is a Hall of Fame coach who won a superbowl. he is the FACE of color commentary for the NFL. A legend. Al Michaels is one of the most respected announcers in the game. Also a legend.

me? Last week, i swore to myself that I was going to sit down and watch a football game, and wound up watching "finding neverland".....FOR A THIRD TIME! I can't be bothered with football at this point. The way it's presented is too low brow for me. "fans" have no idea what's going on. It's an excuse to eat chicken wings and crush beer cans on their head. And if they claim they are getting a richer experience out of the game, they are lying. Unless they are getting a different TV feed from the rest of us, b/c the camera doesn't even show the defense!!!!

Heck, the players don't even know the game. The KC player who lunged at the ball clearly had less than a 50% chance of actually grabbing the ball, as it was behind him. But he took that "chance" b/c he didn't understand that it was a chance. Either he thought that the ball was 100% live or 100% not-live. Go back to the horrible Giants game where the extra point was blocked and the giants players then let the other team run it in for 2 points b/c they were afraid to touch the ball.

And wasn't this the sort of thing that happened to leon lett on thanksgiving when the cowboys played the dolphins in the snow about a decade ago? How could this rule be a hidden mystery to so many people, when someone like me has heard about it before (multiple times!)

The ignorance that engulfs football is mind boggling. The game is reduced to a big cloud of dust as the offensive and defensive lines explode. That's all we can comprehend as average nfl fans. Everythign else eludes us. The concept of a ball being live after it is touched past the LOS is too complex.

I hate football.

oh, and i also hate that foxsports.com wouldn't show me how many tds LT threw for this season. Sure, i can understand how that wouldn't be a default stat when looking at a RB, but when i go all the way to "passing tds, complete leaders" of the AFC, and his name isn't listed (!), then you know something is wrong.

oh my god, is al michaels using len berman's "yeahbut" description of someone (or something) that is good, but not quite great. of course teams are going to have questions........the season is only 16 games.

this is from wiki under different ways to shoplift.

Milkshake subterfuge

A less common shoplifting technique used for smaller high-dollar items is the milkshake subterfuge. A milkshake is purchased by the shoplifter and taken into the store. The shoplifter proceeds to drop small heavy items like jewelry into the milkshake. On leaving the store their milkshake is unlikely to be searched. Shoplifters using this method must be wary of drinking too much of their milkshake or the items will be revealed in the bottom of their cup.

On the slim chance that NBC runs some type of program that scans for posts about their shows, i need to pad the stats and state that this show is awesome. It's from the creator of sports night and west wing, so picture that type of show but w/ SNL as the backdrop instead of the whitehouse.

If and when NBC cancels this show, i'm going to be horribly upset. watch this show.

That's the movie that they should have made. Just because Superman has left us, the movie audiance, for over a decade doesn't mean that's what the plot had to be. There's no drama or conflict in him "coming back". That's inevitable, b/c you know, he's Superman(!) and he's a good guy and whatnot. The story is in him leaving. Leaving all the people that need him. Not being able to handle the pressure of constantly saving the world. Leaving Lois.

What the heck was the plot of this movie? Superman disapeared for awhile b/c he apparently had to go check out if Krypton still existed (at least that's what he told Lois). Then he decides to come back JUST as Lex Luthor (who hasn't been heard from in awhile) decides to create a new continent on top of North America. Why couldn't Lex build his new continent in the middle of the ocean and thus not destroy some of the most populous areas in the world. From a business standpoint, he's killing potential customers. Also, how are people supposed to live on these spikey rocks? that's not exactly a prime location. And if this kid is Supermans, how did lois find the time to meet a guy and get married between the time superman left and the time she started showing?

A "superman departs" movie would have had so much more conflict. The only decent scene was when he told Louis that he "hears everything" when they were up in the sky. That people are always asking for his help. Heck, the Incredibles had a more compelling plot. What happens when society takes for granted the person who dedicates his life to protect them. I want to see Superman struggle with some type of moral conflict. I want to see him try to balance a personal life with constantly saving the world.

This movie was just terrible. I can't imagine a less intersting concept than superman "returning" to save the world. If we NEEDED a happy ending b/c we are retarded americans, then just have him depart for the majority of the movie only to come back years later at the very end to save us from something. Honestly, some combination of the Incredibles and Lion King would have made for a great superman movie.

A man who was recently dubbed the most accurate kicker in NFL history is now unemployeed. Sources have told FOXSports.com has learned that the Dallas Cowboys have cut kicker Mike Vanderjagt and will sign Martin Gramatica.

Vanderjagt has been very inconsistent this year and an inconsistent kicker and Bill Parcells are like oil and water.

With the Colts, Vanderjagt was near automatic but suffered interpersonal problems after he ripped P.M. on TV only to have Manning fire back and call him "liquored-up idiot kicker."

But what was more interesting was an exchange that wasn't published. BDD asked Hendry if the Cubs will try and initiate a philosophical change in trying to get guys on base since they were 28th in the league in runs scored and 29th in OBP or perhaps sign some free agents who have historically had higher on base percentages (maybe Carlos Lee or J.D. Drew?) or even bring in a new hitting coach to alter the mindset of the approach at the plate. Hendry responded with the following:

"Well we'd like to get guys who can get on base, but our trouble was knocking guys in. We finished 4th or 5th in the league in hitting so we did manage to get guys on base. You can get all the guys on base that you want, but you have to knock them in."

Q: Are you going to do something about the fact that you were last in oranges last year?
A: well, we had a decent amount of apples, so, we had a lot of oranges.

Seriously, this is willfull ignorance. On base percentage measures the percentage of time that your players get on base. To ignore that percentage and in fact refute it by giving one example of how you got on base is just mindblowing.

ARRGGHHH!

Ok, it wasn't THAT shocking, but I was reading an article in Spin about Americans using music to torture people in Guantanamo Bay, and I was already mentally preparing my email to Steve. I don't know why, but the fact that they use Rage Against The Machine as one of their torture songs particularly angered (and semi amused?) me. There was so many psychological tangents that were swirling in my head when I then read this sentence...

"Dr. Stephen X______ [their last name], a psychiatrist..." Now, i know it's steven, not stephen, but i honestly thought i was hallucinating when i first read it. It's like the article was speaking directly to me.

caught this on a tivo'd CR (and then had to google it to get the exact quote). I'm blown away. How could anyone continue to listen to him? This isn't even a political issue. If I'm listening to soemone b/c i respect their opinions, and then he tells me, flat out, that he doesn't believe what he says, why on earth would I continue to listen?

"I feel liberated, and I'm going to tell you as plainly as I can why. I no longer am going to have to carry the water for people who I don't think deserve having their water carried.

...

Now I'm liberated from having to constantly come in here every day and try to buck up a bunch of people who don't deserve it, to try to carry the water and make excuses for people who don't deserve it."

...........


I'm not trying to tell you that this is about me. I'm just answering questions that I've had from people about how I feel. There have been a bunch of things going on in Congress, some of this legislation coming out of there that I have just cringed at, and it has been difficult coming in here, trying to make the case for it when the people who are supposedly in favor of it can't even make the case themselves -- and to have to come in here and try to do their jobs."

While I dabble in other fantasy sports (football, basketball, etc), nothing compares to fantasy baseball. competition based on skill is always more exciting than luck, and there is just too much luck involved in other fantasy sports. I take little to no pleasure in winning at fantasy football, but a victory in fantasy baseball is hard earned and well deserved.

I need to understand why Fantasy Football is so much more popular than fantasy baseball. It doesn't make sense. I can understand the argument that baseball is too time consuming. It is. But, some people actually think that football is more "exciting". This, I don't understand.

I've tried to get into the mindset of a fantasy football player, but something is lacking. Do these people go out to the bars every single sunday and watch all the games on the NFL ticket? If so, how can they possibly know how they are doing? Do they have their opponents lineup memorized? Can they calculate their fantasy points on the fly? I can get a general sense of how i'm doing (based on some key players, or if someone is in the midst of a huge game), but often times, i'm still unsure as to the ultimate outcome of my game.

I imagine that the average sunday is NOT spent at a bar. And the average person DOESN'T have the NFL ticket. So fantasy football basically comes down to watching the local team for three hours, and getting the occasional highlights. Then, at the end of halves and games (i.e. 2:30, 4:00, 5:30, etc) you go online and actually calculate your fantasy points. Yes, it all happens in one day, but the excitement is so short lived. I imagine that a good portion (25%?) of fantasy matchups are decided pretty quickly (or in the alternative, it's completely unknown b/c it all comes down to some random WR on a monday night game).

If you are just looking for excitment, why not just bet on the games? that has to be more exciting than fantasy football.

I caught the last 10 minutes of "matrix reloaded", and all my anger towards that horrible movie came flowing back. I debated searching for a comprehensive "this is everything that's wrong with the movie" type of rant, but i knew that i'd get lost in a sea of rants that only covered 85% of the problems. and i can't have that. so i'm not even going to search.

should anyone paste me a link here, however, i'd be very happy.

Ever have so many tasks that need to be accomplished in a certain time frame that it becomes completely overwhelming? Because I work six days a week, I have to pack in every single chore and leisure activity in the span of a day. It’s overwhelming. This morning was a no brainer; X-men: The Last Stand had to be viewed. But then I started to panic when I thought about how many clothes need to be ironed, how long it’s been since I’ve washed the floor, and how good a nap would be right now.

Left with too many choices, the human mind becomes overwhelmed. So I took the path of least resistence: a bowl of cereal. A man can do a lot of thinking while eating a bowl of cheerios, and here are my thoughts from the past 10 minutes…

I’ve been in the mood for sleater-kinney today, but I’m continuously faced with a dilemma when listening to them. In an interview, the lead singer [sidenote: how bizarre is it that I still don’t know the names of the members of my favorite band of all time? I like to think that it’s because I care more about the music than the people behind it, but in reality, I think it’s just because I’m bad with names] was discussing the fact that “The Woods” was a departure from their usual work. I don’t remember the exact quote, but her point was that it was not meant to appease the people who were “used” to their older albums. I specifically remember her saying that she didn’t want people listening to the album while vacuuming. Needless to say, this makes me very uncomfortable because I always put albums on that I’m familiar with while I’m vacuuming. Have I been unfaithful to the music that I love because I treat it as “background” music? Must all music be appreciated at its highest level? Must I only listen to music in the dark and with headphones on? “Can’t people have coffee anymore” [connect the dots to that Seinfeld reference].

Fine, I’ll eat my cheerios to Biggie. Biggie would have no qualms when or where I listened to his music, as long as I paid for the album. So I’m eating my cheerios, with Biggie in the background, and my mind starts wandering. Today I read an article about animals that was discussing whether or not they are conscious. Here’s a quote:

A key ingredient of consciousness is having a sense of self, a feeling that there's a "you" inside your brain. One sign of that is being able to imagine yourself in a different time and place.

I tried very hard to try and think like a dog. How smart can the smartest dog be? Is it aware that there is a species that is much smarter than it? Does it understand the master/slave relationship? Can an animal dislike my personality?

What’s more unsettling? Knowing that lesser species are still capable of a consciousness, or having two species of equal intelligence in the same planet? How different would homo sapiens existence be if there was another species that shared our level of intellect? I assume that there would such animosity between the two species, just as each ethnicity conflicts with each other as a self preservation mechanism. If early settlers were upset with the Irish coming in and taking all their jobs, can you imagine how much we’d hate another species? It would both be a uniting and dividing phenomenon to have another species to compete with.

This then segued into my ever continuing quest to try and understand the mindset of a slave owner. Did white people REALLY believe that they were better than black people? How does that start? I can understand being born into a culture of racism, and just going along for the ride, but there had to be a premiere generation that started it all, right? I just can’t imagine seeing something that had two arms, two legs, a head, and could (or eventually would learn) how to speak English and think that was more “property” than “man”. Seriously, can you imagine treating a human being like a garden tool? And yet, we can’t just dismiss the entire society as “evil”. There had to be theoretically “good” people who were slave owners. That, had they been born in a different era, would have been completely ok with racial equality.

Is all morality relative? Is there something that we are doing right now that will be looked upon as bad as slavery? Maybe the fact that we don’t fix the homeless problem in our country. I barely acknowledge homeless people when they ask me for money. Am I 21^st century slave owner? Great now I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight. I hate people who can fall asleep easily. Why aren’t they worrying whether or not future societies will deem them to be slave owners?

Cereal is done. Time to vacuum.

the a's getting swept, or eckstein's homer?