no, i will not "also see"  

Posted

i can't believe this espn article goes on and on about how people are standing up for the recently fired cincy coach w/o mentioning WHY he was fired. read the article and tell me that there isn't a missing paragraph just screaming out there. in theory, i could click on the "also see" articles, but no, they will not trick me into giving them more hits.

Daily Show indirectly explained how wacky laws come about  

Posted

Next time you get a list of those "weird" laws that some states haves, i'll bet you see this one:

washington state - it is illegal to urinate into a container and throw it out your window while driving [paraphrased].

and we'll all chuckle and wonder why that's a law. Well, they had a segment last night where they interviewed a truck driver. See, for some reasons, these people think it's perfectly ok to urinate in their water bottles and then throw them out into the street. that's clearly one of the most disgusting things i've ever heard. even if you can't stop b/c you are pressed for time, why can't you just leave the bottle in the car and throw it out at an appropriate time? it's not a ticking bomb.

Anyway, washington has outlawed this practice. Whle the law may appear weird on its surface, it makes perfect sense. I imagine most of the other laws that we see on those chain mails are the same thing.

i feel like larry  

Posted

i'm embarassed that i haven't posted in a week. three posts tonight, i promise. and no, this one doesn't count.

other things that make me uncomfortable  

Posted

i really felt awkward during the emmys when they wouldn't stop clapping and dan rather had to keep standing there saying "Thank you". he said it 10-15 times. i felt bad for him.

we have this dvd at home that's like a board game. On the back cover, they have a picture of two fake teams playing the game. The woman on the losing team is shrugging her shoulders with a "aw shucks" expression. It makes me very uncomfortable. who needs this advertising? look, fake people are enjoying the game, let's get it.

while i have this open, here's my 5th or so question to adam:

Hey, i like the new format of your show. it's very fresh. It sort of looks like last week's episode of Daily Show. Oh, wait a second, i get it. they bumped you out of the time slot so they could air RERUNS of another show. Ouch.

ask adam  

Posted

there's not much time left for this show. they already took away the studio audience and his timeslot after daily show. they are actually running old daily shows after it!

so, we should ask adam questions to try and get on the show. here's my first one

"Adam, ever been to a comedy club where the comedian was really bombing? Doesn't it make you feel very uncomfortable to see him or her struggle so awkwardly?

Well, that's how i feel for 30 minutes a night everytime you are on. We've developed a drinking game where we take a shot everytime you end an awkward joke with "Alll----riigght. Let's move on".

Last night provided one of the worst moments in tv history: Adam - hey roseanne, i could be on your show in the future. roseanne - i don't have a show. adam - oh, sorry.

Your show litterally makes my skin crawl. "

http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/too_late_with_adam_carolla/extras/questions.jhtml

Finishing up on my anti Favre rant  

Posted

I can't believe I forgot the biggest reason I hate Favre. And i'm equally disapointed that it took Steven A. Smith to remind me (and to be honest, he was the first one to bring it to my attention a few months ago). Favre, in all his magnificant arrogance, sold out his wide receiver Javon Walker in the offseason.

Walker was holding out in an attempt to renegotiate his contract. Now, whether or not it's "fair" that a player refuses to honor a contract that he signed in good faith is another issue. I will say that it becomes almost legitimized by the simple fact that "everyone does it". When a contract is signed, it's with the understanding that the team will eventually cut the player and not honor the contract, and that the player, should he exceed their expectations, will probably hold out and seek more money.

Well, that's exactly what Walker did. But Favre, the ultimate team player (and by team, i mean selfish), doesn't care about Walker's situation. All he cares about is winning right now, before he retires. So, he goes on record saying Walker isn't worth the extra money and that he needs to be in camp. What a teamate! If Favre says "walker has been a loyal player through the years, he's a great asset to the team, and the Packers need to get a deal done", everything changes.

As it turns out, Walker reports to camp, and tears his ACL in the first game. He's out for the year, and his future is in doubt. Favre must be heartbroken....because obviously the packers' will only exist in this year, and the future means nothings to him.

Frenchfries are like smoking while waiting for a bus  

Posted

I've always been jealous of smokers; they get to "do something" while waiting for the bus. While I just awkwardly stand there and stare off into space, they get to fidget with their cigarettes.

Whenever I'm put in a socially awkward eating experience, I choose a meal that has french fries. Group lunches, etc etc. The great thing about frenchfries is that I can pace the speed of my meal with them. I normally eat way too fast, and that could make the meal even more awkward. With frenchfries, i can pretend like i'm eating when i'm really not.

they are also a good safe bet if you go to a place that seems pricey and/or the portions might be small. even a weak meal can become satisfactory with fries on the side.

Bases loaded, one out? nah, let's save Bonds for later  

Posted

So, Bonds flat out refuses to play day games after night games. I understand that his body needs rest, but this is a three game series with the division leading Padres. These are the most important games of the season. He should be playing. Or at least pinch hitting.

In the 6th inning, down 2-1 (or 3-2, i can't remember), the giants loaded the bases with one out. Due up was the left fielder, lopez. Bonds was on the bench. Wouldn't it make sense to pinch hit him there? A single takes the lead. A walk ties the game.

But they don't pinch hit him. And the giants don't score a run. It turns out the giants wind up taking the lead in the 8th, only to blow it in the 9th. But that doesn't negate the fact that they squandered a golden opportunity in the 6th.

I'm also perplexed as to the fact that bonds DID wind up pinch hitting, but later in the game. I don't know what the circumstances were, but i doubt it was as good as bases loaded w/ 1 out. I guess Alou only uses his closers with 3 runs lead in the 9th, and the greatest hitter of all time to pinch hit in the 10th with nobody on base.

A partial retraction along with an excuse....  

Posted

Ok, so i posted the heinz thing w/o verifying its truth. My bad. But, it's not easy meeting the high demand of my readers. every few days i get a "hey, update your blog" im from someone. Do these people ever post comments to contribute to my rants? of course not. They want and want and want, but never give. So, i'm forced to spew out mediocre work.

I will also say that going back to a dial up has crippled me. It's so painful to go from one site to the other. If i was on a fast connection, i would have at least googled the heinz thing to see if it was true. But this is too painfully slow. So i just have to cross my fingers and hope i don't get caught.

also, i was at least reminded that i forgot the number one reason why i hate favre. to be continued.

Is Brett Favre Jeter's long lost cousin?  

Posted

I've been a packers' fan for a little over a year now, and i really can't stand brett favre. Much like Jeter, Favre is the media darling who can do no wrong. I'm sick of hearing about his leadership and competitive nature. If he wasn't so goodlooking and white, it would be a completely different story.

When his career began, he made tons of mistakes on the field. Because he's white and firey, this was him being over competitive. If he was black, it would have been seen as having a huge ego and/or being unintelligent. Then, he had a nice little run as one of the elite quarterbacks. I will give him that. Somewhere along the way, he became addicted to pain killers. Even his choice of drug was tied to his extreme dedication and competitive spirit. "oh look, he's addicted to painkillers b/c he wants to be out there playing so badly". His "recovery" was seen as a great achievement in personal willpower. puh-lease. Meanwhile, Rickey Williams decides he doesn't want to be crippled at 40, so he walks away from the game. Why is Rickey labeled a pothead, but Favre labeled a warrior?

Brett's father dies at just the right time to make a great story. Oh my god, he's actually playing while grieving. "dad would have wanted me to play". next.

Now, in the twilight of his career, he's being completely selfish. The packers must be "evil" to think that football and their franchise will exist after the great one retires. Why else would they draft a QB this year? Shoot, they should just pack up their stuff and go home. The packers can't exist without Favre. right? And Favre, to his credit, has refused to take his replacment under his wing. The announcers yesterday said it was "noble" of Brett to not teach this kid how to be a QB. "Brett is only concerned about winning championships. and this kid is not going to help brett win. Heck, the Packers should be embarassed that they went and drafted him. They should be trying to win it all now for Brett's sake".

If brett only cares about winning now, and doesn't even have the slightest interest in the future, then he's more selfish than i thought. Yes, of course he wants to win while he's still playing. That's natural. But it sounds like he has NO loyalty to the franchise. He only cares about himself. What happens next year to the rest of his teamates when they have a QB out there who has no idea what he's doing.

When asked about the young qb, brett said "he can do what everyone else does....he can watch me play and learn from that". atta' boy brett.

If Brett Favre was black, he wouldn't be allowed to make such statements w/o being destroyed by the media.

Sieg Heinz  

Posted

"In the early 1940s, Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted only of little pasta swastikas."

fun facts about matresses  

Posted

"A ten year old mattress weighs double what it did when it was new, because of the -ahem- debris which is absorbed through the years. That debris includes dust mites (their droppings and their decaying bodies), mold, millions of dead skin cells, dandruff, animal and human hair, secretions, excretions, lint, pollen, dust, soil, sand and a lot of perspiration, of which the average person loses a quart per day. Good night!"

i need a guy like this on my payroll  

Posted

1671: Fran├žois Vatel, chef to Louis XIV committed suicide because his seafood order was late and he couldn't stand the shame of a postponed meal. His body was discovered by an aide, sent to tell him of the arrival of the fish.

the best (wendys) just got better  

Posted

I have just discovered that wendys has two sauces that i was previously unaware of: heartland ranch, and spicey southwest chipotle.

I had been googling in an attempt to determine if the nuggets are smaller than they used to be. if these sauces indeed excist, then i can't care about the size of the nuggets.

When the football version of Moneyball is written...  

Posted

These are 10 things i expect to be covered in it.

1) punting the ball out of bounds - I cringe every time i see a punt bounce around on the 5 yard line only to have it roll into the endzone for a touchback. Am i the only one who realizes that a football is an odd shape, and predicting how it will bounce is difficult?

Punters should angle the ball out of bounds, end of story. Imagine that from the 1 yard line to about the 5 or 6 is like a field goal post. I think punters would have no trouble maintaining this level of accuracy when kicking the ball out of bounds. This eliminates any threat of a touchback. And when you aren't close enough to be concerned about a touchback, kicking it out of bounds eliminates any chance of a return while only cutting a few yards off of the distance.

2) staying in bounds when you are running out out the clock - it's very sad that I'm better at clock management than 95% of the nfl (and college) b/c i play madden football. I can't even tell you how many times a team with the lead will run the ball, only to have the RB go out of bounds. When a rb finds himself getting near the sideline, he should litterally fall down in bounds. Look no further than the RU game last week as an example. Their FB was gaining impressive chunks of yards, but was running out of bounds while doing it.

3) offenses should call their plays at the line - Defenses are much more specialized than offenses. The drawback of not being able to get a new offensive package in is less than the benefit of forcing the same defense to stay in there. You don't necessarily need to a hurry up offense, but at least get to the line and be ready to go. This will also make sure that..

4) never ever have a delay of game - there's just no excuse for this. it's completely unacceptable.

5) running the ball is overated - a short passing game is like a running game in that it decreases the dangers of the interception, but has more upside in that the average yards per pass is generally higher than a run.

...to be continued, i have a much more important post to write about.

I had an arch-nemesis yesterday....  

Posted

Do normal people develop intense rivalries with perfect strangers? Here's what happened to me yesterday, while waiting to get my bloodwork done.

I'm sitting in the waiting area staring mindlessly into space. I see an older woman (mid 50's) come in and go to the reception desk of the hospital. She very rudley announces that she's here for her own bloodwork, and that she also has her husband's ____ (i think medication, but i'm not sure) in this paper bag. The recpetionist asks a series of standard questions, to which the womanly rudly answers each time with "it's all in the bag. yes of course, it's in the bag. like i said, everything you need is in the bag".

This woman thinks she's too good to have these questions asked of her. Apparently, the receptionist is unable to see this woman's innate greatness and ability to properly prepare. The woman clearly has everything under control. How dare this peon question her in such a mannor!

And then we get to question 5. "oh, i didn't know I needed that." Right then and there i wanted to go up to the woman and point out how foolish she should feel. After all her indignation, it turns out that she wasn't perfect. That she needed these questions to be asked of her. A little smirk creeped up on my face.

that smirk turned into a ear to ear grin when the woman struggled to find this mystery card. She went through her purse's rack of cards once....and then twice. Then she did it backwards. I could tell she was very stressed out, and when she looked at me, i didn't avert my eyes. I stared daggers through her. Finally, she had to take the rack out of her purse, dump all the cards out onto the table, and go through them one by one.

Victory was mine! or so i thought.

She wound up sitting behind me in the waiting area, and bumped into her pregnant friend. Her conversation was so whiny and grating that i had to assume she was doing it just to spite me. There was actually one part that was so akward that i had to squirm in my seat. She mentioned to the pregnant woman that her friend works as a private child care taker. The pregnant woman gave the standard "oh, i'll have to consider that" but the woman went on the offensive. I can't imagine being strongarmed into giving your child to a stranger, but this pregnant woman came very close. Very very awkward.

Then, the woman started complaining about how long we were waiting. Yes, we were waiting a long time, but hearing her whine about it was not making things better.

What we didn't know was that they were going to call us in as a group. My name gets called, and i stand up against the wall. She gets called a person or two later and joins the group. As the nurse is still calling other people this woman interupts her and asks "where do you want us to go?" Clearly, AFTER the entire group gets called up, we'll be given our final destination, but this woman just can't wait. As we start walking, she litterally bumps into an 80 year old man and she worms her way to the front of the pack.

I came very close to stating "make sure this woman goes first, she's clearly more important than the rest of us", but i didn't have any confidence that my audience would understand the irony of that comment (they were mainly old men). I felt like i had lost the war when she was given the first seat to the right, and i was the only person left standing w/o a seat.

But then a glorious thing happened. the woman in the seat all the way to the left was done and free to leave. I was given her seat. And then, the nurse started working her way down the row....left to right.

Yes, I was first, and she was last. After i was bandaged up, i made a point of thanking the nurse for being taking me so quickly while looking at the woman fuming in her seat all the way at the end.

The problem with croutons  

Posted

don't get me wrong, i like croutons. but they are inefficient and imperfect. When i'm having something that is mixed, whether it's a salad, macaroni and peas, cereal with bananas, party mix, etc, I like to be surprised by what combination i have in my fork/spoon/hand. With croutons, i have to actively decide whether the next forkful is going to have a crouton.

Salads are a "fork-stab" meal. You take your fork, push straight through, and wind up with a mini kabob. Not all meals are like this, so i need you to actually visualize that. But you can't stab a crouton under normal circumstances. If you do, it breaks. Sometimes, if you are ONLY going for a crouton, you can get it if you only pierce the surface. but, to do that means you can ONLY have a crouton on your fork (and you need to "aim").

If you want a forkful of normal salad, and then a crouton as well, you need to stab, and "scoop" the crouton at the end. This is too much in my conscious to fully enjoy it. Now i KNOW i'm getting a crouton. And like i said, i want my mixture to be a random selection of flavors.


And yes, i'm currently eating a salad as i write this.

The problem with lateral thinking puzzles  

Posted

I think that's the official name for the types of puzzles that were found in the book "stories with a hole". remember those? The man was afraid to go home, b/c the man with a mask would be there. You have to ask yes or no questions to figure out the scenerio (turns out that they were talking about a baseball game and the man with the mask was the catcher).

I really like these games, when they are done right. Too often, they are done wrong. The answer should be the most simple, logical answer. When you hear the answer, you are supposed to think "oh, duh, why didn't i think of that".

I found a website that has a bunch of them. Half of them are good b/c they stick to keeping it simple. The other half have answers that are so far in left field, that i can't imagine it being satisfying. At that point, i might as well just answer the question with "well, this is in a parralel universe run by aliens and where the laws of physics don't apply".

Since the stories tend to have millions of possible answers (if you allow for such lunacy), it makes more sense to keep the standard as "the answer that is most simple and logical is right".