the most awkward 20 minutes of human existence  


is when a comedy movie tries to wrap up the story. it's extra uncomfortable when it tries to make a feel-good ending.

seriously, mediocre comedies should just end. after they are done with their jokes, they should clap their hands and step away backwards, like george costanza.

the biggest regret of my life  


i'm pretty sure i only have two regrets in my entire life. the first deals with a feud i had with my english teacher in hs (and the regret is that i didn't fight her as hard as i should have). but the 2nd keeps haunting me.

if i could do my life all over again, the one thing i would change is that i would buy ALL my socks all in one massive shot. the fact that i bought one pack here and there means that i have to now match my socks every time i do laundry. this is a very daunting task, and i was reminded by how painful it is last night as i tried to pack for montreal. if they were all the same, i wouldn't have to think.

live and learn.

Stephen Colbert examines Jeter's defense.  


"Anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries [statistics] or reference books. They're elitist for constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen...

I don't trust books [stats]. They're all fact and no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation... We are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.

Consider Harriett Miers [Derek Jeter]. If you think about Harriett Miers [Derek Jeter], of course her nomination's absurd [he’s below average defensively]! But the President [Yankee fans] didn't say he thought about this selection [his defense], he [they] said this:

President Bush [Yankee fan]: "I know her heart." [“I know his intangibles”]

Notice that he didn't say anything about her brain [his range to the left]? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriett Miers [Derek Jeter]. And what about Iraq [Zone Rating]? If you think about it, maybe there are a few missing pieces to the rationale for war [Gold Gloves that Jeter has won]. But doesn't taking Saddam out [praising Jeter] feel like the right thing...right here in the gut? Because that's where the truth comes from, ladies and gentlemen...the gut.

Did you know that you have more nerve endings in your stomach than in your head [there are more pop ups hit over a shortstops head than groundballs to their left]? Look it up. Now, somebody's gonna say `I did look that up and its wrong'. Well, Mister, that's because you looked it up in a book [verified it with statistics]. Next time, try looking it up in your gut. I did. And my gut tells me that's how our nervous system [defense] works.

Now I know some of you may not trust your gut...yet. But with my help you will. The "truthiness" is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the you."

holy smoke!  


i may have just heard the dumbest thing ever during a baseball broadcast.

"the biggest thing of this inning, in my mind, was _____ moving the runner over to third".

here's how the inning went:


yeah, that out was really productive.

innaccurate legal reporting  


here's an article about walmart trying to get the smiley face trademarked:

here's a blurb:

A bit like smileys themselves, the trademarking of common words has become endemic. Apple Computers wanted to claim ownership of the word "apple"

that makes it sound like that nobody else would be allowed to use the word apple anymore. that's simply not the case. When you trademark a name like that, it's limited to the market you are in. No other computer company would be able to use the word apple for their product. Even though "apple" is a common word, it's not common in the computer industry, save for that one company. Like bicycle cards. blech.