according to keith hernandez  


even though wade boggs got to 3000 hits, it was b/c his career was stretched out by playing on the expansion team devil rays. You see, b/c there are more teams, it's easier to get 3000 hits b/c there are more teams to play for when you get old.

i'm pretty sure that if you put all the latin american and asian players together, they'd make up 4 teams worth. So, shut up keith.

also, IF/WHEN biggio gets to 3000 hits, then he's HOF worthy for keith.

Biggio is one of the most amazing 2nd basemen of all time. he's a CLEAR first ballot HOF. end of story.

Can a fan base be so annoying as to drive a real fan away from the music? I’ve just about had it with DMB “fans”. I’m watching their newest storytellers, and the crowd is just packed with the stereotypical frat boys and teenyboppers that are ruining the DMB live experience. While this is to be expected, there was one incident in particular that really rubbed me the wrong way.

Now, the whole point of storytellers is for the band to tell the story of the song, right? Well, Dave starts talking about how this woman was telling him a story about how “she was driving down the road, and saw two boys who she thought were sleeping”. Now, obviously, he’s talking about the lyrics to Louisiana Bayou. But, even if you weren’t familiar with the song, the words “thought were sleeping” should probably clue you in that the kids are going to wind up being dead. But, the crowd explodes in cheers when the next line mentions “this was in Louisiana”.

Let me repeat that: the crowd erupted in thunderous applause as Dave’s talking about the tragedy of seeing two kids lying dead in the road. Apparently, these two kids were murdered for owing money and coins were placed on their eyes and where the bullets entered their skulls.

No no momma now devil don't do-si-do
Two young boys lyin' dead by the side of the road
The coins in their eyes represent the money they owe
No judge or jury ever gonna hear the story told

And, not only is the crowd retarded for cheering that, but they couldn’t even guess the song from his opening line. If you are going to give the pavlovian (sp) response of cheering when you recognize a song, at least recognize the song when he mentions the opening line of the lyrics. Absolutely disgusting.

The one funny part of this storytellers is that when the band’s getting interviewed, Butch Taylor is sitting in a row behind the band. He’s not even allowed to sit in the same row! I’ll never forget Dave’s response from years ago as to why Butch isn’t actually “in” the band.

When you have a family, and you adopt a child, you love the child, but he’ll always be adopted. You just don’t love him the same way as you would other members of the family. {me paraphrasing}

The catch-22 of those "pasta-box" dinners  


We all have them in our closet. Kind of hard to describe. A little better than Rahmen Noodle soup....Usually a pasta with some type of sauce that sounds a lot fancier than it really is. This is the bottom of the dinner food chain. They sit there for months until you run out of all other options.

Here's my main problem with them. [ok, my main problem is that they don't taste good, but that's a boring rant]. My main problem is that they are counter intuitive. They are meant to be a last resort. However, they require the use of multiple pots (or at least a pot and a bowl), and often they REQUIRE milk. Now, riddle me this. If i had milk, i'd clearly be in early part of my food shopping rotation. Milk is the 2nd thing to go (after coldcuts). So, if i had milk, i'd most likely have a lot of other things in my fridge, and i wouldn't be resorting to these pasta-box dinners.

I think i make matters worse by taking shortcuts [instead of letting the water boil first, i throw the pasta right in there, etc], but that's besides the point. It's pretty elitist for these boxes to require milk. "you are teh bottom of the food chain. you are not allowed to require milk. If you want milk, go out and get it."

this dinner is disgusting.

I can't take ironing anymore. I quit.  


I never finished the "understanding Einstein" book. If i had, i'm sure i would have read a chapter on how ironing pants is physically impossible. Ironing shirts is bad in and of itself, but pants are definitely impossible. At least with shirts, you can put the ironing board through the shirt and do one side at a time.

No so with pants. And if there's something non flat on the other side (zipper, pocket, belt loops, etc) it just makes it worse.

I've spent 30 minutes ironing these pants, it's after 11, and i'm quitting.

[note: it's so dark in here that i can't even see the wrinkles. but i know they are there]

If anyone comments on the wrinkles at work, i will kill them.

Why i [no] laugh?  


I'm watching Best in Show on tv, and i'm re-convinced that it's one of the best comedies of all time. But, I haven't laughed once. And now that I think about it, I don't think this movie has EVER made me laugh. I'm sitting here, thinking how brilliant the writing is (or the actors, if they are adding their own ad libs), and how the timing is just right on the money. But i'm not even smiling.

Objectively, this is the funniest movie ever. Subjectively, it can't even get a chuckle from me.


[oh, and i see it's now even easier to add a picture, so i'm testing it out. Obviously, this picture has nothing to do with the post]

2) All Genres are degenerating Icebergs  


I have been a wrestling fan for as long as I can remember…From Hulkamania running wild in the 80’s (still remember the turkey sandwiches made during intermission of Survivor Series on thanksgiving nights at my cousin’s house), to the sparked revival of my interest during the rise of ECW in the mid 90’s, and up to the growth of the internet wrestling community, Netcop, and all the like.

I have spent roughly 20 years being a fan of wrestling and have spent a countless amount of money on merchandise and live shows. Even now, in the darkest hours of the sport, I still consider myself a fan.

And Vince McMahon doesn’t care about me at all.

Why should he? He knows he already has me hooked. There’s no need to address my concerns or interests. Even though a long term fan needs storylines that are cohesive and non-contradictory, Vince continues to ignore such needs. His goal, and rightfully so to a certain extent, is simply a matter of numbers; he has to bring in the casual fan. The average person who flips by the channel on a Monday night and has his eye caught is more important to Vince. The wrestling boom experienced in the late 90’s was based on this. Suddenly it became cool to wear 3:16 t-shirts and shout “smell what the rock is cooking”. The numbers were generated by these Johnny-Come-Lately fans. And while it spiked numbers, the problem is that they leave just as quickly.

Vince McMahon, just like every other creator, is too shortsighted to see the big picture. Watching Sportscenter lately has become a gut-wrenching experience. Real fans of sports can’t watch it, but I’m sure the causal television viewer loves the Entertainment aspects of it.

Every form of art degenerates to the lowest common denominator. It is impossible to be both popular and good. All genres are like ice bergs. At first, only the highest level is exposed. It’s the art at its purest form, and it generates interest. But to draw in a little more exposure, you have to widen the art. You dig a little deeper, make things a little more generic, and all of a sudden, you have a nice huge chunk of ice, but it’s below sea level.

Nothing of quality can exist, but it will be overshadowed or consumed by something more bland, but of higher quantity. A sitcom will inevitably become one dimensional as the characters become more X-treme to the max (see: friends Joey and Pheobe).

If this was JUST relevelant in a discussion of Art, I could accept it. Unfortunately, it’s true in all aspects of life, including politics. The democrats are the Vince McMahon of the political world. They know they essentially have me hooked, so they can move on to expanding their net to cast. They move more and more to the right in order to garner support from the slack jawed locals.

What can I do? I can’t NOT vote democrat. At least they are the lesser of two evils (and I’m not going to throw my vote away again like I did in 2000). Right? But, it drives me crazy that they don’t care about me and only throw me a bone every now and again. They are being very presumptuous to take me for granted.

I want a political party that’s not afraid to just be the tip of the iceberg. To stand up for something that they truly believe in… To not be afraid to offend the masses. We need to start moving the masses towards us, instead of us moving towards the masses (and their apathetic and generic agendas). If not, we’re doomed.

Come to think of it, I haven’t watched wrestling in months. Maybe Vince doesn’t have me as hooked as I thought.

It's almost beneath me to critique this invention  


but i'm bored....

Sharp Develops 'Two-Way Viewing-Angle' LCD

At last, a way to end squabbles over which TV channel to watch — without buying a second set. Sharp Corp. has developed a liquid-crystal display that shows totally different images to people viewing the screen from the left and the right.

Is this really a problem in the real, non cliched, world? Sure, Seinfeld's act in the early 90's had a bit about how men "hunt" and women "nurture" in terms of their tv viewing. But i think you get to the point where either you are interested in the same programs or you aren't. Is it that difficult to watch tv by youself when you like a show that the other person doesn't? If you are watching different programs, then you really can't interact with the person next to you. At that point, you are basically 2 year olds playing in the same sandbox. the other person is there, but not really.

One person can be surfing the Internet, using the display as a PC screen, while another watches a downloaded movie or TV broadcast. It also works for watching two TV channels: One person can watch baseball while another watches a soap opera.

I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but i just don't see the computer and entertainment/tv area ever uniting like this. Web TV failed for a reason. A computer, as we know it, involves tools such as printers, keyboards, mouses, etc, that just "fit" better in a desk area. Until my invention of a keyboardless keyboard (don't ask) takes over, i just don't envision someone lounging around on the couch, surfing the net.

and look how they picked the sexist stereotypes. baseball for men, and soap operas for women. Who is this invention targeted at? women in loveless marriages who day dream about being able to watch tv with their husbands? "oh, that john does is watch baseball. i wish i could pull him away from the tv....or at the very least be able to sit next to him when he does it.


and btw, how are you supposed to LISTEN to either station if they are both on? does the sound get only sent to the corresponding side of the room? Has anyone thougth of the sound problem?!?

The "two-way viewing-angle LCD," announced by the Japanese consumer electronics maker Thursday, will go into mass production this month and will cost roughly twice as much as a standard display.

Roughly twice as much!!! so, it's like 2 tvs for the price of 2! Except you can't seperate the double tv, or have the 2nd one still working if the 1st one breaks down. Oh man, you can't make this stuff up.

[and please don't make the "it saves space" argument. these are plasma tvs we are talking about. ]

Sharp will offer the product for worldwide sale, but the Osaka-based company will also supply other manufacturers with the displays for various products expected later this year, said spokeswoman Miyuki Nakayama.

I don't really have any complaints with this paragraph.

Sharp says the technology offers many possibilities.

It could be used in cars so drivers can look at a map while the passenger watches a movie. Or at a store, sales clerks and clients can view different data on the same display simultaneously.

Hello client, this is clerk. Let's discuss different data. but, please stand exactly 17 inches to my right so we can both view this magic screen. What's that you say? One screen that is split in half and has two functioning displays [like having two windows opened on the computer] would be just as effective? and it would allow the opportunity for you, client, to view my data just in case you have a question? Well, that's crazy talk. Are you a communist?

Another possible use is for billboards that display two kinds of advertisements depending on where viewers stand. The display will also work in the regular way and show a single image to all viewers.

Dang jethro, it could work in the regular way too? that's fantastic. And btw, we already have billboards that show two images. They have little slabs of wood shaped like half opened blinds that allow for two pictures depending on your location. Do we really need this technology digitized? If you are going to have a friggin TV for a billboard, how about you just have a moving advertisment (or multiple ones) to begin with. DO we really believe that people standing to the left of a billboard represent a different target audience? Sheesh.

One catch is that the images overlap if viewers stand right in front of the screen. Moving a few inches to the left or right may be necessary for a clear view.

Yeah, that's a catch. That's a huge catch. That's captain intangibles going over his shoulder and diving over Cano to make a spectacular catch. read that again please. YOU CAN'T SEE IT STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN.

Another drawback is that users will have to work out a way to listen to the sounds coming from the different channels. One solution is for one viewer to use earphones.

Honey, let's watch tv together tonight. it's been so long since we had any quality time. Ok, now go put your headphones on so i can watch my baseball game in peace.

The technology appears to derive from Sharp's three-dimensional LCD displays, which work by projecting slightly different images to the right and left eyes without the use of special glasses. Sharp has been selling 3D laptops for a few years, aiming them mainly at engineers, architects and other professionals.

Technology for the sake of technology, with no useful purpose, is just stroking your ego.

A U.S. startup, Deep Light LLC, plans to launch its own monitors next year that can present several different images to different viewers in 3D without glasses.

I gotta be the first one to have this. all my friends will think i'm the coolest.

Just win baby  


I don't know what the big deal is about this coach. Ok, he might be a little overly competitive, but all he was trying to do was put the best team on the field. I mean, is it THAT wrong to pay an 8 year old to injure his disabled teamate so he can't play in a meaningless tball game? oh wait, it is.

I can't even imagine what this protest was about...  


They covered the 111-mile 10th stage in 4 hours, 50 minutes, 35 seconds. Because of a protest at the start by farmers angry over wolf attacks on their sheep and cows, organizers shortened the race by more than 9 miles, beginning it after the town of Froges, near the city of Grenoble.

Attempted Murder: The Poconos Saga  


Repressed memories are funny, once unleashed, all the pain comes flooding back. And by pain, I mean hilarity. I had blacked out my attempt at murder in the Summer of 2001, but now the memories are as vivid as ever.

Steve’s friend was having a party in the Poconos. PJ picked me up and away we went. Just getting there was a brutal experience, as this place was deep in the middle of nowhere. When we finally got there, and were exausted by the trip, we were given a map by the receptionist who told us we were only at the main gate.

Upon arriving at this party, we were charged a shocking amount of money to partake in this party. I can’t remember the number, but I remember doing the math afterwards and it not adding up. We would later find out that they had been drinking all day (we got there around 10’ish), and we were basically subsidizing them. Screw it, I’ll take a guess and say it was 15 dollars a head.

Although the host was very nice, the rest of the cast was a sorry sack of characters. Randy, who immediately struck me as a meathead, had apparently brought this kid ____ [how sad is it that I can’t even remember the name of the person I tried to kill?]. When we got there, this kid was beyond drunk. He was shockingly loud and obnoxious, and playing a game of beer pong with him proved to be an exercise in tolerance.

At first, I used my patented passive aggressiveness to poke holes in his esteem (or at least get some laughs from PJ). The kid wasn’t biting though, as all the jokes went over his head. When we went upstairs for some food, I hatched a plan.

“hey, you know what would really get you over with the crowd? Jumping off the deck. All the chicks will think it’s cool”

“I don’t know, it’s kind of high…it could be dangerous”

“come on, I know you can do it. I have faith in you. I wouldn’t steer you wrong.”

Now, just in case the statute of limitations hasn’t run on attempted murder, I should throw in that 1) I was joking 2) I didn’t think he’d do it and 3) I didn’t expect him to get hurt if he did do it. Of course, that’s not the truth, as I was honestly hoping he’d do it and die. I threw in a few more lines of encouragement, and then went back down to the basement.

Then something spectacular happened. Everything moved in slow motion as I saw this angelic vision drift into my view. It was the kid. And he was falling from the deck. Our eyes met for a brief moment, and he pointed a big 2x4 at me (hacksaw jim duggan style), dropped it, and ran off into the woods.

Confusion, panic, fear. These were the feelings that everyone else at the party was experiencing. Me? Pride and Joy. We ran upstairs to see what had happened (as if I didn’t know!). Randy was flipping out. He comes up to me and says “right before he jumped, he said the big guy told him to do it. There are only two big guys here, you and John…”

“oh my god, John told him to jump? Why would he do that? That’s messed up man. I hope he’s ok”.

The host was freaked out partly b/c someone may have died at her party, but mostly b/c he had ripped off a part of the deck on his way down.

PJ and I gave a half hearted attempt to search the woods for him. About 10 feet in, it became “blair witch” and was total darkness. Allegedly, I confided in PJ that I hope we find this kid face down dead somewhere.

As the night wore on, Randy became increasingly panicky. When it started to pour, he grabbed a flash light, told us we were horrible friends, and that he was going out to save his friend. We told him that he’s probably just passed out in the car, but Randy retorted “don’t you think I checked their already?”

Randy came back around 3 in the morning completely soaked and w/o the kid. He said it was too dark, and was going to wait until sunrise to find him. We, on the other hand, proceeded to build a deck of cards on Adam, who had passed out (his words: went to sleep) hours ago.

Randy went to sleep in the basement w/o any blankets or pillows. Somewhere, I still have a picture of him laying completely still with his arms crossed. PJ and I snuck outside to discuss the current situation. We heard this horrific sound come from around back, and went to go investigate. But, it wasn’t a stray bear that we heard. Oh no, it was the kid, awaking from INSIDE HIS CAR! We ducked around the side of the house so that he wouldn’t see us. He stretched, yawned, and then went back into the car.

Now that we knew he was alive, I feared that my story would get out. Despite it being close to 5 am, we decided to leave the crime scene. We said our goodbyes to Steve, packed up our belongings and got the hell out of dodge. I think we laughed the entire way home.

Looking back, it’s more of a dream than reality. There are those who will claim that I’m exaggerating, but deep down in my heart, I know I wished death on that kid. And gosh darn it, I came pretty close.

Oh, and there was the added postscript bonus of learning that he threw up in his own car that night.