I will prove one of my readers right  


"he'll go months without posting, but when he does there will be a flurry. You'll usually get one really good one, a movie rant, and then some complaint about a sports play"

I'm not even supposed to be watching football this year, as my goal was to become a fan of soccer. But the game's on over my shoulder. I can't help it. Anyway, THIS is why I can't watch this moronic sport.

Green Bay is running back an INT, and at the 4 yard line the guy attempts to dive into the endzone. Of course one of his players knocks the ball out of his hands.

The Packers got lucky b/c the runner happened to step out of bound on the 4 yard line before diving. But this doesn't negate just how utterly stupid the player was. Diving with the ball out in front of you is very dangerous. Quite often, it results in a fumble. And while fumbles are always dangerous, they are 100x more dangerous at the 4 yard line. If he takes a knee, the Packers have 1st and goal from the 4. That's almost guranteed to be 3 points, and likely to be 7. More importantly, though, is that if he fumbles into the endzone, it's a touchback for the other team!!!

No football player in their right mind would dive for an extra 4 yards at the 40. It's too dangerous. So why on earth do they do it by the endzone? For the glory of scoring the points themselves? Disgusting, idiotic behavior. Get lost.

NBC has failed its Kings  


Jamie French (jamie.french@nbcuni.com),

Tomorrow, when the final episode of Kings airs, it will be considered a failure. Kings endured low ratings, was placed on hiatus, eventually banished to a forgettable Saturday night slot, and then ultimately cancelled. However, these failures are by no means a reflection of the quality of the show, its writers, actors, or even the dedication of its fans. No, the blame lays entirely at the feet of NBC for its poor marketing, inability to recognize quality, and its shortsighted quest to focus on cheap and easily digestible shows. Failing to nurture a prized jewel like Kings is an absolute disgrace and yet completely predictable from a Network that once reigned, but now spirals downward into mediocrity. Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

Perhaps if the marketing team at NBC watched Mad Men on its sister network, they would realize that the secret to advertising is quality, not quantity. Although there were numerous commercials leading up to the premiere of Kings, they utterly failed in capturing the essence of the show. With a marketing campaign focused on the actual monarchy, and the presidential elections having just concluded, I incorrectly assumed that the show was perhaps a commentary on political systems. I hope you can appreciate my shock when I noticed that the protagonist "David" destroyed a "Goliath" tank in the premiere. After proactive research, I discovered that this show was a modern day interpretation of biblical stories.

Please, in your infinite wisdom, explain why this fact was withheld from potential audiences! What a colossal mistake on NBC's part. In case you haven't noticed, there is a huge portion of this country that is religious and would be interested in such a show. Conversely, the secular elements of the story are still very appealing to people who are less religious (good vs. evil sells, period). A proper marketing campaign that acknowledged the spiritual elements of the show, without being too heavy handed, would have created a built-in audience going into the premiere.

Of course, NBC failed miserably, and yet somehow acted surprised when the ratings were lackluster. And even though many great shows (ever hear of a show called Seinfeld?) have started slowly, Kings was not given a chance to develop. Banished to Saturday nights (after a hiatus), Kings was killed before it was even given a chance.

Sadly, for those of us who were lucky enough to discover this show (essentially on our own), the remaining season has been bittersweet. It's difficult to maintain an interest in a show that you know has no future. I have tried to recommend this show to friends, but they are rightfully hesitant to watch. "Why bother, if it's already cancelled?" is the response I most often get.

And maybe that's for the best. NBC doesn't deserve our patronage. It's becoming painfully clear that NBC is looking for cost-effective programming over quality; short term gains over long term success. Shows such as Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and The Black Donellys may have had flaws, but also had potential. However, because they cost more than reality-trash, they were prematurely cancelled. The lack of quality dramas on NBC's schedule has left a black hole in programming, which will now be filled by Jay Leno(!) I will grant you this, NBC has finally found a way to make Jay funny because this decision is beyond comical. This farce is going to be a failure of epic proportions, and I will take great pleasure in watching the advertisers abandon your network.

The days of people passively consuming "entertainment" are short numbered. The advantage of being a Network that gets automatically beamed into people's homes is declining. People will find a way to seek out quality through DVRs, online streaming, niche blogs and websites, and other forms of New Media. NBC is a dinosaur, and playing to the lowest common denominator will eventually prove fatal.

Shame on you for failing to nurture Kings.

anyone recognize this handwriting?  


...from Brower Commons, perhaps?



Guest rant by "Jung Un"  


when i saw the psp for $110 on dell i emailed [redacted] asking her if i could buy it (yes, i'm whipped. we all knew that though.) she didnt respond so during lunch i called her and she said sure go for it. i've been swamped with work since i came back from lunch (theres [redacted] tomorrow) and we just completed all the assignments so i went to dell to buy the psp. its sold out! i'm so pissed off.

here is the part that really annoyed me. i called dell to see if i could order it over the phone.

as soon as i got on the phone with a real person, the first thing that person asks me is for my address and phone number.

i responded: i dont own a dell or any other product. i'm calling to buy a psp.

he then says: well i need your address and phone number to create a unique identity (or something like that).

me: well, i'll give you my info after you answer my question. do you have any psps for $110 or are they all sold out?

dell guy: you have to first give me your address and phone number.

me: no, you dont need it. just answer my question.

dell guy: i cant. please give me your address and phone number.

me: you know what, i'll never give you my address and phone number or my business.

dell sucks! i'm never using them ever.


follow up:

same thing happened last week. i went to borders and saw a 4 book strawberry shortcake bundle on sale for 6 bucks. there were at least 5 of them. i didnt buy it b/c i didnt know if we had it. i went back the next day and sold out! seriously! how does that happen? this is strawberry shortcake, not dora the explorer or hannah montana.

Funny Trampoline Accident....is #2 fake?  


late to the game on the Eminem/Bruno thing....but, COME ON!  


My only connection to pop culture is what's discussed on Howard Stern. And since i'm a month behind on the show, I'm only now getting to the Eminem/Bruno thingie. I had a passing knowledge that people thought it was real at first, but then it later turned out to be fake. Hearing Howard discuss it, though, forced me to look it up.

What is wrong with people? How could anyone think that was real?

1) Eminem was mic'd

2) His crew pushed but didn't hit Sacha

3) The camera never cuts away

4) When eminem walks away, not only does the camera follow him, but lots of other cameras are in perfect position to follow him (we, in the biz, call that "blocking the scene")

There was 0% chance of this being real, and every news program (even if it was on E!) should be immediately taken off the air.

The most disturbing image from Thrilla In Manila  


It wasn't all the racist stuff Ali did w/r/t Frazier.

It wasn't Ali speaking at a Klan rally.

It wasn't the footage of the actual fights.

It was the interview with the last surviving member of Frazier's corner from that fight from his dirty kitchen. The contrast of him dressed to the nines (bold suit, jewlery, etc) with the dirty kitchen pot behind him is pretty ammusing. Then, to his right, there is a dirty microwave with a sign in front of it. "Do not put any aluminum foil in the microwave". (yes, i had to freeze frame it to read it). And then, i noticed what was on top of the microwave......A ROLL OF ALUMUNIUM FOIL!

...and the other two months, the Taliban had him  


From the story of the NYT reporter who escaped from his kidnappers...

“We’ve been married nine months,” Ms. Mulvihill added. "And seven of those, David has been in captivity."

How to follow the news on Iran  


1) Turn off CNN

2) go to http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/

3) hit refresh every 5 minutes.

WoW, just wow.  


Too lazy to change the channel after True Romance ended, I left Coyote Ugly on. And while I was getting angry about how bad it was, I had a moment of clarity. There has to be more to life than watching bad movies and getting angry about how bad they are, right? What's the point? Not only should I have known this movie was bad just based on the premise, but I've already seen this movie once before! What am i gaining by watching again?

I was so disgusted with myself that I felt the need to post. But then, a key plot point developed in the movie and my mind melted. Remember how the main character is a good song writer but afraid to sing in public? Well, do you also remember how she first got over this fear? When the cops come to Coyote Ugly, the owner gets distracted by them. And then the bouncer gets distracted. And with the bouncers distracted, the men basically begin to rape some of the Coyotes. And then a fight breaks out. And in the course of the fight, someone gets thrown into the jute box. And that person must have been Fonzie, b/c it turns the jute box on. And a song comes on. And the main character, very nervously, mind you, begins to sing along to the song. And the men stop fighting and raping. And the owner AND COPS, look on approvingly.

Oscar worthy.

Stealth Napping  


Back in the day, one of my favorite types of naps was the "Stealth Nap". With the grace of a Navy SEAL, I would nap "around" the pile of school books piled on my bed. As people grow up, the need to Stealth Nap decreases. But after a long day of re-arranging furniture and cleaning, I found myself very tired, and with a bed bombarded with random things on it. And I looked deep within myself to call upon my long dormant skills. I'm happy to let you all know that I've still got it!


The next time you are watching Juno, unwind the movie  


No matter how much you hate Juno, you will watch it again. And when you do, try visualizing the script. Hear what the actors are saying, line for line, and picture the words on a piece of paper. When you do, you will realize how poorly written this movie is. How the dialogue makes Gilmore Girls look realistic. It's sooooo bad.

But boy is that cheeseburger phone funky!

slate.com had a selection of tweets  


from people who only tweeted once, never to be heard from again.

this one (under the catagory of people who clearly didn't understand what twitter was) had me laughing:

brittanyblevins what kind of donuts are you offering?
12:23 PM May 8th, 2008

an email from march that cut and pasted two comments  


I'm trying to clean out my inbox. I came across an email that was sent to me in early march. It's just two comments....the original website isn't even mentioned. But i like the comment so much I need to paste it here. So Dwight, whoever you are, nice post.

Dwight said...

"Taxation is theft. The rest is just details." - elliot

Catchy phrase that sadly is flawed because it is based on a very uninformed and/or extreme understanding of ownership. Do you have a house? Is the mortgage paid for?

If so do you believe you own the house and property outright and absolutely without encumbrances? Because if you do then you don't actually understand how things are. There are certain inalienable claims that the state has on that property.

Likewise money. What you don't understand is that you are in effect in a franchise, a collective agreement with everyone else in the country, state, county, incorporated city/town, etc. via the bodies of government. As such it is extreme to the point of lunacy to claim actual "theft" in any meaningful sense of the word.

You have earned that money, and lived your life, by leveraging the assets of that collective (assets of varying levels of tangibility, but all very real). If you were to opt yourself out unilaterally after/while gaining that benefit it would be you that is acting closest to "theft".

Conan's head looked so huge next to Seacrest  


Ryan Seacrest was a guest on The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien and the results were disturbing. Not only is Conan much bigger than Seacrest, but it appears Ryan also has an abnormally small head. The profile shot of both their heads in the same screen was shocking. It actually disturbed me. Then, when they panned back to show both of them in their chairs, it looked like a really bad special f/x trick. The one with a split screen and a person appears to be shrunken by being filmed much further away.

Seriously, find a clip of this interview. I can't be the only one who experiences this.

Kevin Smith unknowingly hurts the gay community  


Although it's been years since I first heard it, I'm haunted (in a good way) by a comment from a lesbian student during An Evening With Kevin Smith. Her complaint was that Chasing Amy promotes an idea that a lesbian just hasn't met the right man yet and that the movie feeds into negative stereotypes regarding the gay community.

Kevin sincerely responded, but missed the point completely. He essentially patted himself on the back for having a lead character be gay, and that he (Kevin) had a gay brother, etc etc etc....He didn't go so far as to say "and I even had one at my wedding!" but one can infer that his brother got an invitation.

Having a gay character....a MAIN character, is a step in the right direction, but what's the point if the character is just going to fall into the same cliches and negative stereotypes? The character, a life long lesbian, "falls" for her best male friend. This plot only makes sense if you presume that gay people can be turned "back" to being straight. That their default is straight.

Riddle me this: would anyone buy a plot where a straight guy "turns" gay because he gets along with his best friend so well? Of course not. Because straight people "are" straight. But Kevin doesn't afford the same dignity to his gay character.

Later in the response (and throughout every conversation he's ever had), Kevin goes for his repetitive "humor" of implying that he does gay acts. He's attempting (poorly, I may add) to show that he's comfortable enough in his own sexuality to not be afraid of homosexual behavior.

He would probably claim that "It's funny because i'm NOT gay". But if you deconstruct the joke, you'll realize that the humor is based on the belief that the gay act is somehow "wrong" or something that should be laughed at. "tee hee, i said i would perform a gay act, but i'm not gay. wocka wocka!!".

There needs to be more to a joke than just saying you are something that you are not. If he kept joking that he was Canadian (when he's really from Jersey), nobody would laugh. But he's as Canadian as he is Gay. So why is the latter "funny"? Because in the end, Kevin is feeding off the subconscious idea that homosexuality is something that should be laughed at. And he's wrong.

But Clerks II was awesome.

My favorite type of nap  


I enjoy lots of different naps for lots of different reasons, but the best nap of all time is the "Sunday afternoon, after a big family meal" nap. This Sunday, I found myself quite full after a big family meal. Although I had many things to do, I couldn't pass up the chance to partake in a SAAaBFM nap. Boy was it worth it.

A distant second is the "you woke up for work, but realize you are too sick to go in, so you go back to sleep". While that's good too, that comes with an element of guilt. There's no such guilt on a Sunday afternoon...they were made w/ napping in mind.

HBO's commercial for The Dark Knight is all kinds of awesome...  


1) They went with different lines of dialogue from the original trailers.

2) Pixies' "Where is my mind?" plays in the background!!!!!!!!!

60% of the jokes in Margaret Cho's Assassin go like this...  


Setup: It's wrong to be homophobic. And if you mess with gay people...

Punchline: You'll won't be able to [insert something that is stereotypically done by gay people].

Follow up 'humor': Gay impression.


Setup: We should have gay marriage. And until we do, the...

Punchline: wedding planners should refuse to help straight people plan their weddings.

Followup humor: [With gay speech pattern] Oh no, girl, I'm not going to plan your wedding!

It's so amazingly simple minded. I can write a stand up routine for her. All you would have to do is create a list of things that are stereotypical to the gay community. Shoot, I had other examples, but I've already forgotten. I feel sad that people find her funny. I get it of course, she speaks to a community that's underrepresented. She's empowering. They interviewed fans before and after the show, and you can tell that she's having an impact on people. Which is great.

But funny she aint.

North Korea is bad at photoshop  



on a couch  


Not since Michael Jordan told me what shoes to wear and what burger to eat has a spokesman so captured my attention. A whole generation is going to grow up wanting to be like Eugene.

For those of you who don't get these Horizion/New Jersey commercials, this one is definitely a head turner. Literally. Because every time it comes on, I turn my head from my computer and think "what is that god awful sound coming from my tv?"

With a speech pattern eerily similar to Mitch from a Mighty Wind,

[Go to 2:09 in the Trailer here]:

Eugene is able to bring the universe to a screeching, creepy hault. Is he so in love with the sound of his own voice that he needs to p a u s e between each syllable?

And the absolute best part of the commercial is when he uses the word sagacity. What portion of the people watching this Mets' game is going to know what that word means, Eugene? He even does a little cocky grin before he says it. But don't take my word for it, see for yourself

I need to pretend like I never used to watch wrestling  


This is the lowest of the low

I have a bird with ocd  


Over a month ago, I awoke to the sounds of acorns falling and bouncing off my window and onto my AC. They fell consistently for several hours before I decided to take a look. Turns out it wasn't acorns, but rather a bird. It would sit on my a/c wall unit, and then fly up to the window and smash into it. It would then come crashing down and fall on the a/c. Rinse and repeat for hours.

Whenever I would stand near the window, it would fly away, only to return. I went outside to shoo it away, but it came back. And back, and back, and back. It's been over a month now, and it wakes me up every morning. I don't understand how it's not dead yet. It smashes into the window with great velocity. I don't even know when it eats.

If that wasn't strange enough, last week it started flying around to my back window as well and doing the same thing. So it's not COMPLETELY insane. It actually does have a goal...........to get inside my house. I just can't imagine why.

if you have 18 minutes to kill...  


and let's face it, if you are reading this blog, you definitely have 18 minutes to kill.

How does Janeane Garofalo justify being on 24?  


I'm disgusted with myself for watching such right wing propaganda; my only solace is in the fact that I don't have a Neilson box. But how on earth could Janeane Garofalo be on this show? The show is essentially an infomercial for torture. Anytime a "liberal" view gets expressed on the show, it turns out to be easily refuted or "proven" naive. I don't get it. Was she that in need of a paycheck?

Anyway, at least she redeemed herself partially when ambushed here:

Aubrey Huff...  


You are on notice.



I was too lazy to look for my remote, so I left $portscenter on after the Red Sox game. The opening "skit" involved one of the hosts getting a 5th foul and needing to hit the bench while another host took his place. Is this what they do now? Is this the natural "progression" of corny catchphrases. I need to see what their ratings are. People can't actually watch this, right?

Anyway, the most cringing moment came during highlights of the Lakers' game. I only turned my head b/c I was trying to see if Jeff Van Gundy is still their coach.

There was a dramatic pause as they showed the "highlight" of their announcer (Pam something?) interview Phil Jackson as the 2nd quarter ended. Usually, these "interviews" are pointless fluff. "Hey coach, what do you plan on doing in the second half" "Um, try harder?".

But, if this was going to be a "highlight", something great must have happened. Maybe Phil told her off. So I turn fully around and pay attention.

"After Pam _____ spoke to Phil, she twittered this...."

[they then do the shadow highlighting gimmick as though they were reading a deposition]

"just interviewed phil. he didn't seem nervous about being down. thinks houston will tire themselves out"

Are people really so stupid that they don't realize that Twitter is just a new form of advertising? Follow the dollars:

NBA --> ESPN ---> Twitter ---> NBA

Rinse and repeat. ESPN is just using Twitter as a way of telling people "hey, come spend your dollars on me".

Why is In Treatment selling out to Apple?  


Look, I get that it's a business. I get that the only reason TV exists is so that companies make money. I accept that I pay 20 bucks for HBO, and that on other networks I have to deal with commercials (or fast forwarding through a DVR). But when the product is actually airing, I [Holy moly...side rant: Have networks stopped putting up those annoying ads on the bottom of screens? I feel like I haven't seen them in awhile. Wow, how could I have JUST noticed that???]

Anyway, when the product is airing, I don't want to have to deal with commercials. It takes me out of the moment. I'm trying to suspend belief when I watch a show. I need to forget that these are actors, reading lines that someone else wrote. So when I'm watch In Treatment, and I notice an Iphone being a plot point on "Tuesday" and then three Ipods being a plot point on "Wednessday", I immediately lose my disbelief. I start thinking about a bunch of suits coming up with a great way to make money. I picture them coming into the writers' room and telling them to crowbar an Apple device into the story.

It all makes me sick. Now, I can't even look at Paul's Apple laptop without getting angry.

Shouldn't it be: Mothers' Day ?  


The day celebrates all mothers. It's their (plural) day. Mothers' Day. Not Mother's Day. Come on people!

Deja Vu at tWWL  


"Brett would have to be mentally ready to go play, physically ready to go play and want to go play, and I'm not sure all three of those things are there right now." Cook said.

To play a 19th NFL season, Cook said, "Brett would have to be mentally ready to go play, physically ready to go play and want to go play, and I'm not sure all three of those things are there right now."

Just who exactly is Muhammad Ali?  


It's already off of HBO's schedule, but apparently there the documentary Thrilla in Manila has some interesting insights on the man. I was stunned to learn that he spoke before the KKK. From what little I did know, I've always felt a bit uneasy about how Ali demonized Frasier, particularly when it came to race. If Howard's review of the documentary is accurate, this seems like something I must see. Does Ali get a pass for his past discretions because of his disease?

10.05 = 10.00, but 10.00 /= 9.95  


Last week, I was very troubled when I paid 10.05 for a salad (and yes, paying that much for a salad is troubling in and of itself, but that's a different complaint) and received 9.95 in change when I paid with a 20. Where I work, you can swing a dead cat and hit 10 different places to purchase a salad for lunch. They all cost about the same (give or take), they are all about the same size (give or take) and they all have the same types of options for ingredients (again, give or take).

Maybe I'm oversimplifying things, but the best way to distinguish yourself from the competition is with excellent customer service. They should make me want to give them my money. You can't re-invent the wheel when it comes to a salad, but you can try to make the exchange as pleasant as possible.

If they ran a cost-benefit analysis, they would see that the .05 they saved by not handing me a 10 dollar bill cost them a lot more in future sales. I have to assume there are people out there like me who could be annoyed enough to boycott a place after such a transaction. It shows a complete lack of concern for my well-being. Ok, "well-being" might be too strong a term, but having to stick 5 bills into my wallet plus a pocket full of change is very annoying.

It's quite possible that the owner/management has told the cashiers that their register has to match the receipts exactly. If that's the case, that's just a poor business decision. Receiving 10 dollars for a salad is essentially the same as receiving 10.05. I refuse to believe their profit margin is so slim as to actually be affected by a nickel. And in the interests of good customer service, they should have accounted for how displeased I would be with 95 cents in change.

We listen to music in only two dimensions.  


In a perfect world, my ideal way to listen to music would be as such:

In a comfortable chair, I would be surrounded by the music. The sound of the drums would be behind me. The bass would be below me, perhaps even within me. Vocals would be directed at me. Guitars would start towards the side of me, perhaps even dancing above me, should the mood fit.

Sounds wouldn't just fade in and out. I want a sense of distance. I want the haunting piano of A Perfect Circle's Imagine to be far away on the horizon. In RATM's Freedom, I want Zack de la Rocha whispering into my ear that "Anger is a Gift". And when Dave Matthews duels Boyd Tinsley in Watchtower, I want to hear them circling around me.

The technology that currently exists could quite easily handle these requests. With home theaters becoming increasingly popular/cheaper, the average household will soon have enough speakers to simulate REAL surround sound. Being able to "feel" sound can easily be simulated too, without the need of turning the volume all the way up. If bands wanted to make three dimensional music, they could.

Sadly, however, there doesn't seem to be any pressing desire to experiment with these ideas. For too long, we've thought of music as being two dimensional: Left-vs-Right and Loud(up)-vs-Soft(down). And heck, as the Loudness War rages on, music is quickly becoming one dimensional.

I suppose technology giveth, and it taketh away. As advances in technology (file compression-->portability) increases the quantity of music that a listener can consume, it is redefining how people listen. And how you listen makes all the difference in the world.

One could argue that the golden age of music took place in the 60's. Back then, the average household had one family TV. Thus, for a television program to be popular, it had to conform to what was considered family-appropriate. Edgy shows didn't exist, much less available to a kid trying to avoid parental supervision.

But music was different. Music could be taken to the basement and listened to on headphones. It could be shared among friends; there were no time restrictions as to WHEN it could be listened to. A culture was cultivated through music, and hooked a generation that longed to be apart of something......something different than other mediums could provide.

Today, there are many more things competing for that niche market. Every kid has a TV in their own room, in addition to a computer, video game system, and smart phone. By plugging in, kids are easier to unplug from the "mainstream", whatever that might currently entail. Since music no longer needs to be the torchbearer for the edgy culture, it has faded into a commercial pop. But it wasn't just the greedy record labels that created this mess, it's the technology driving the industry as well.

Whether or not music is "dead" is up for debate. The current technology definitely makes it easier to discover new music. The underground tape-trading scene has now been replaced with a click of the mouse. Programs exist that can accurately "suggest" new music based on your current tastes. These are all great things, and without them, there would have been a lot of bands that I would have missed on the way up. But the culture of music is gone. My generation doesn't have the bands that define us. We have no flag bearer. We have no Bob Dylan. And you begin to wonder if we'll ever get back to a place where that will change.

punchout is back!  


Find the funny in this gmail picture....  


I'll give you a hint...it involves a number and a greek letter.  

The typical daydream fantasy of being a rockstar  


So I don't think I've fully grown out of the phase of wanting to be in a band. And the other day I imagined would have been like to grow up in the 60's, when the music scene was just exploding with innovative sounds. Here's how my fantasy played out:

I'd be sitting around on a couch fiddling around on my guitar. Perhaps I'd go back and forth between writing down a lyric and trying to come up with the chord to go with it. Then, as I was pouring my heart into my work, someone would come over and play me this new track he had heard. He'd say he thinks it's called Voodoo Child or something. I'd take one listen, and realize that I could never come anywhere close to what I was hearing. That Jimi Hendrix on his worst day would be infinitely better than me on my best day. And remember, this is the "fantasy me" who could actually play guitar and write music.

Anyway, this fantasy ends with me smashing my guitar in disgust, and quitting my band.

Normal, eh?

I want to drive just so I can put this on my car  


"you don't storm the court on a home win"  


wakeforest's fans "stormed the court" after beating Duke just now. It was an exciting game but the storming was awkward. They kind of walked quickly onto the court.

ESPN cuts to the NBA game, and the announcers were talking about the Duke/WF game. And one announcer says that "when you are the #4 team, you shouldn't storm the court". Then the other announcer says "you don't storm the court on a home win."

Think about that for a minute.

Quick bullet points on two weeks of Netflix  


Serpico - Loved it. Going in, the only information I had on the movie was from the parady done in "it's always sunny". Flying blind is always better. Anyway, someone asked me "how could you love Serpico, but hate Dog Day Afternoon?". If someone can answer that for me, I would appreciate it.

Bridge to Terabithia - Don't ask, it wasn't my choice. The movie was "whatever", but I'm disturbed by one element: they crowbarred a discussion of religion that didn't fit with the rest of the movie. Literally, out of nowhere, one of the character starts talking about Christianity. And then later in the movie, that conversation is reference. I'd love to know the significance of this conversation, but I refuse to look up anything to do with this movie.

Ghostworld - Awesome. AWESOME. While I was waiting for the Giant game last week, I saw that this was on channel 11. I was stunned to see one of the first scenes entirely cut out. There were no "indoor graduation" sceenes. They immediately cut to them leaving the school. Why?

Happiness - Though very depressing, I experienced a grat deal of happiness when I later read online that people (namely, religious groups) were flipping out that the Pediphile character was drawn as a "human" instead of a one dimensional monster. Sorry that everything isn't black or white.

Mullholland Drive - I can't tell if I actually liked it, or if I tricked myself into liking it because it's so critiquelly aclaimed.

A Mighty Wind - Funny, but not as good as "Best in Show". Best in Show might be my favorite "comedy". But I never laugh during it. I laughed out loud during A Mighty Wind, but I felt the jokes were too over the top. Each scene ended with an exagerated punchline. Best in Show was better at trusting the audience to get the humor.

Burn After Reading - These Coen Brothers are geniuses.

David Cross: Let America Laugh - I found this very awkward and disturbing. It's very sad to see what a comedian must endure. It's not heckling per se, but rather drunken buffoons obnoxiously hollaring out during his set. And then when they try to interact with him after the show, I cringed. Watching this behavior made me never want to drink again.

Sorry that there were no deep thoughts on any of these movies...I got nothing.

Dear Clearview  


As a frequent patron of the Clearview theater in Mansfield, NJ, I am aghast at the decision to not show Slumdog Millionaire. Since it’s release in mid November, the movie has grossed roughly 43 million domestically, received an average of 86 on Metacritic, and won four Golden Globes, including Best Drama. And yet, for some reason, I have been unable to see it at your theater.

Since this is clearly a poor business decision, one can only speculate as to other motives for not showing the film. Interestingly enough, The Secret Life of Bees is another example of a movie that you chose not to show at the Mansfield theater. Does management have an issue with movies that have a predominantly minority cast? Or does it incorrectly think that the people of Mansfield (and surrounding area) would not watch movies with such a cast? In either case, your decision is troubling, and very insulting.

Unless something is done to rectify this offensive pattern, we will no longer be frequenting your establishment. This type of problem should not be occurring in 2009, and I hope your other customers begin to take notice. In the hopes of bringing this issue to attention, I am also contacting consumerist.com

Thank you,

The two best SNL monologues that you will never see  


Tony: ...I've been thinking it's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that, I know. But lately I've been gettin' the feelin' that I come in at the end. The best is over.

Is there anyone from my generation who actually thinks SNL is good? Or heck, even "was" good at any point in our lives? While the old stuff was ground breaking, our personal "golden age" was anything but. Sure, Hartman, Farley, Sandler, et al were "funny" at times...maybe even "most" of the time. But the real SNL wasn't just funny, it was cutting edge. It was bucking the establishment. It was the kind of stuff that we can only read about in books.

Sadly, I recently learned that we came very close, on two separate occasions, of rekindling that "not quite ready for prime time" magic.

Years ago (probably around the time he was promoting his movie) Howard Stern came close to hosting the show. Like us, however, he realized how bad the show had become. So, he had a few minor requests: he wanted to write the entire show. See, instead of the normal process of the cast writing their own skits, Howard wanted Jackie and Fred to write everything. And, if that wasn't enough, he also proposed an opening monologue that Andy Kaufman would have been proud of.

In a meeting with Lorne Michaels, Howard came up with the idea of dressing down every cast member of the show. Howard would pretend that the first skit was "Howard's school of comedy, 101." The cast would act as "students", expecting to be in a traditional skit, with the standard corny jokes.

However, once in front of a live camera, Howard would go off script and explain to each cast member why they weren't funny. He would be brutal, but he would be honest. And then we, as viewers, would get to see how they'd react. Would they fight back? Would they clam up? Now THAT would be must see tv.

Although intrigued by the idea, Lorne couldn't betray his cast like that, so he had to turn Howard down. But now that I know the story, I can't help but daydream how deliciously awkward that would be.

The second brush with greatness came when Norm Macdonald hosted the show. Now, when I said that SNL had never been cutting edge in my lifetime, I wasn't being completely honest. Norm's version of Weekend Update remains one of the funnier things I've ever seen on TV. He was un-apologetically brutal. And hilarious. But politics led to him being fired.

Some time after being fired, Norm found himself hosting the show. And his monologue explaining that ironic turn of events remains a classic:

Norm MacDonald: When the people here asked me to do the show, I've got to say, I felt kind of weird. I don't know if you remember this, but I used to actually be on this show. I used to do the "Weekend Update" news routine, you remember that? That's where I did the make-believe news jokes. That was me, you know? So then, a year and a half ago, I had sort of a disagreement with the management at NBC. I wanted to keep my job. Right? And they felt the exact opposite. They fired me because they said that I wasn't funny. Now, with most jobs, I could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that, but see, this is a comedy show. So, they got me. But, now, this is the weird part, it's only a year and a half later, and now, they ask me to host the show. So I wondered, how did I go from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I'm now hosting the show? How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?! It was inexplicable to me, because, let's face it, a year and a half is not enough time for a dude to learn how to be funny! Then it occurred to me, I haven't gotten funnier, the show has gotten really bad! So, yeah, I'm funny compared to, you know, what you'll see later. Okay, so let's recap, the bad news is: I'm still not funny. The good news is: The show blows! Alright, folks, we've got a bad show for you tonight! Dr. Dre, Snoop Doggie Dogg and Eminem are here. We'll be right back!

Here's the audio:

Anyway, as amazing as that monologue was, he actually planned on going further. Norm Macdonald, crazy genius that he is, wanted to say that monologue, and then hop into a cab and leave the show. Every skit would have been in total disarray without the host being there. How awesome would that train wreck be? I don't even dare to imagine. His career would have been destroyed, but man would it have made for some compelling television.

Are Mets and Jets fans typical loser fans, or unique?  


The self pity, inferiority-complex-driven Mets fans forced me to renounce my allegiance in 2000. Never thought much of it. Like Redsox fans, Mets fans seemed to care more about the Yankees than their own team. And they not only expected to lose, but saw it as a right of passage.

Recently, however, I noticed fans of the Jets started acting the same way. Die hard season ticket holders talked about "the same old Jets" as they began their horrid faRve led collapse. From this casual eye, it doesn't seem like the Jets have underachieved often. Sure, they've never had the best team, but I can't picture any surprisingly poor seasons.

The Mets, of course, have had some epic collapses in recent years, but they've also experienced success. From the Miracle Mets, to the coke fueled '86 team, to a couple of recent playoff runs, this franchise seems "solid". Sure, they aren't the Yankees, and they had to play in Shea, but nobody is perfect.

But that's the thing; is all this self pity the result of being near the Yankees? Are fans of other franchises more realistic in their expectations because they aren't constantly reminded of the Yankees; success? And, with the Jets, is it extra painful to share a stadium named after a team that has won three rings in one generation?

What say you, Seattle Seahawk fans? Are you as whiny as your NY counterparts? Tell me, Houston Astro fans, are you jealous and pathetic like those fellas from Queens? I'm quite curious.

bride wars  





Third night in a row where i can't sleep.   After three nights, the next morning tends to involve throwing up.  I wonder if insomnia is a modern ailment that our ancestors didn't suffer from.  I can't imagine cavemen staying up worrying about things.  

My Enterprise Dream Comes True  


I always enjoyed the enterprise commercial where the car is wrapped in paper. Every time I would see the paperless windshield, I would be disappointed. What would it be like, I wondered, to drive with a completely covered car.

Yesterday I drove by a car that came disturbingly close to answering that question. Instead of a driver side window, there was a big piece of cardboard duct-taped on. Yes, that's right. Cardboard. Not clear plastic, but completely opaque cardboard. Taking up the entire window. In a moving car.

I could see putting a garbage bag or something similar for a parked car. However, and feel free to call me crazy, but once a car starts moving, you need to be able to see to your left. That driver's side mirror is kinda sorta important.

And it wasn't even raining out or anything. That cardboard was only there to shield the driver from a cool breeze. Wear a coat!

Overtime in the playoffs  


and Peyton Manning, the star of the NFL (and current MVP) spent the entire time on the bench.   No more sudden death!

The Harlem Shuffle  


In 1986, The Rolling Stones were set to release their much anticipated single, "Harlem Shuffle".  Howard Stern, having recently taken over mornings for K-Rock, touted that he was going to be the first one to play it.   Not only did this stir up attention, but it was also a jab at other stations who smugly prided themselves in always having the scoop on such exclusivity.   

Anyway, Stern played the single (which was the Stones' interpretation of an old song) non stop for days.  The other stations were upset.  And the Stones' attorneys eventually sent a cease and desist letter.   For you see, it wasn't the real song, but rather Fred Norris' best guess at what a Rolling Stone's version of Harlem Nights would sound like.  

And not only were the other stations fooled (even when they were told it was a fake), but when the real version came out, it sounded disturbingly similar to Fred's version.   King Norris indeed!

It pains me that none of my friends religiously listen to Howard Stern anymore.  I feel like every "episode" provides ample material to dissect and discuss. 

Ever see a player gain 9 yards only to stretch out for that 10th on first down?  So have I.  And it's one of the dumbest plays in football.  The chances of getting a first down after 2nd and 1 is much greater than the chances of getting another 10 yards.  Especially if teams woke up and started going for it on 4th down more.  

Miley Cyrus is a true thespian  


Any fan of Howard Stern can tell you that Robin loves to sprinkle stupid actors talking about their stupid movies during her news.   On a good day, Howard can riff on how empty and fake these conversations are.  On a bad day, however, Howard will cut off an actor after 3 seconds and say "ok, terrific, anything else Robin?"   The latter is what occurred when Miley Cyrus was talking about her role in Bolt.  With that in mind, I'm stunned that I even remember it, but I distinctly recall her talking about how her and John Travolta developed a chemistry as the movie went on.   See, because, you know, like it's weird and stuff to "act" when all you are doing is talking into a microphone, but as the like scenes went on and stuff, we developed a chemistry.  

That's absurd on its face.   I don't believe in chemistry in a dugout, and I don't believe in it in a cartoon about dogs.  But then I actually watched the movie and I'm now blown away by her statement.  For, you see, her character and the dog don't actually talk!  Bolt talks to other animals.   And Miley's character will say stuff like "come here bolt", but they don't actually communicate with each other.   At best, there was a time or two where she was calling out for Bolt, and, unbeknownst to her character, Bolt was saying "here I come."

So what kind of chemistry was she talking about?   The only thing her character can here is "woof woof".   What kind of method acting is required to be able to connect to a dog like that?

What in the world is she talking about ???????

American Idol fans...our future  


Not sure how I missed this moment of Hathos from 2008

You dropped something...  


I was recently reminded of a bus driver that used to fascinate me.   Even though it's been years since I've been on one of his buses, he has greatly impacted my life.

Several buses travel the same route, and I would always leave school at different times, so I would only encounter this this bus driver a couple of times a month.   On one of my first trips with him, he startled me as I was getting on.

"You dropped something!"

Turning around on the narrow steps of a bus is no easy feat.   Especially when you have a backpack full of books, headphones, and a big heavy coat.  And the twisting and turning was extra awkward as there were a line of people forming behind me.  Finally I gave up and gave the driver a puzzled look.

"Do you want to know what you dropped?"

"Yes, please."

"You dropped your money in my machine.   Bwahahaha!"

I quietly shuffled to my seat.   I suppose that was a mildly amusing joke in theory, but it was very rattling.   The process of getting on the bus and paying is very stressful.  If your bill is a little wrinkled and gets rejected, people get very antsy.   I've actually seen arguments start because people don't have their money ready to go ahead of time.  Meanwhile, this driver was intentionally sabotaging my turn in line by slowing me down.  

Every time I wound up on a bus with this particular driver, I thought about that joke.   Then, about two months later, I heard him do it someone else!   Now, the gears in my head really began to churn.   How often does he tell this joke?  How does he choose which customer to pull it on?   Does he go insane waiting for the next time he can tell this joke?  "just one more lap around and then I can use it again!!!"  When did he first come up with the idea of the joke?   Was he on the job, or maybe he writes his material at home beforehand?  So many questions.

I would love to see data on this driver and that joke.   I would fund a whole study complete with a bunch of scientists in white coats.    Human behavior is so peculiar.