Maybe it's time i renew my aspirations for being on the Supreme Court  


Not because I think I'm qualified from a legal standpoint, nor because I think i have the networking/political skills to get apointed. Rather, I think i could make a good addition by the simple fact that i'm clearly funnier than the current justices.

Here's an article on how "funny" the justices are:

Apparently, some professor counted up how many times a justice got "laughter" in the transcripts of the oral arguments. Then, he looked to see which justice had the most check marks. I'll give the professor credit though, as he admits that his "study" is not perfect in that it doesn't measure the quality of the laughter after each joke. Btw, here's the gem of the article:

The simple notation "[laughter]" does not, moreover, distinguish between "a series of small chuckles" and "a joke that brought the house down." Nor, Professor Wexler said, does it separate "the genuine laughter brought about by truly funny or clever humor and the anxious kind of laughter that arises when one feels nervous or uncomfortable or just plain scared for the nation's future."

Gee, i wonder if the professor is liberal.

Anyway, here is a typical exchange by the wonka wonka justices.

Consider, for instance, the golden opportunity on Halloween this year when a light bulb in the courtroom's ceiling exploded during an argument.

It takes two justices, it turns out, to screw up a light bulb joke.

"It's a trick they play on new chief justices all the time," Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr., who joined the court that month, said of the explosion.


"Happy Halloween," Justice Scalia retorted.


And then, the kicker. "We're even more in the dark now than before," Chief Justice Roberts said.


And finally, i have to include this great description of Justice Ginsburg [ugh, i can't un-italics]

"It is widely believed that Justice Ginsburg doesn't even laugh herself, much less make others laugh," Professor Wexler, a law clerk for her in 1998 and 1999, wrote. "I can attest that she does, in fact, laugh. Maybe not often, perhaps not loudly or with great vigor and the wild waving of arms, but laugh she does."

If only someone I knew watched "House"  


then i could have a nice little discussion over House's character. He's actually very morally sound, at least by his own standards. It annoys me that people whine and yell at him when he doesn't bend his integrity to suit their needs. For example, that "speech" he gave for the new drug in season 1. His devotion to what he believed in was very honorable. Eh, what's the point of discussing this? Nobody reads this blog, and definitely nobody who does watches house.

The best knicks game i've seen in years  


For some reason (maybe b/c their current team is terrible), MSG was showing classic knicks games on xmas eve. They aired a random game from January of 99 (i think. Nelson was the coach, so someone smarter than me can figure out the actual year). Knicks vs. Heat with Riley coaching the enemy. It felt so "right". I could follow the flow of the game so much better than the current NBA. Maybe it was just b/c i knew exactly what to expect from the offense. I dont' know if this game was famous, but Ewing put on a clinic. He used all of his moves and I think this was the point in his career where he redeveloped his power game. It was so great to see Oakley, Mason, Starks, and even Charlie Ward. You know your team is bad when you long for the days of Charlie Ward.

Those Knicks were great. I honestly miss them.

the best thing about the series 24  


by far, is that they all have excellent phone etiquette. "hold on, i'm going to put you on speaker phone. ok, you are on, and x and y are also in the room". if only the people in the real world could be like that.

a great review on certain-dri  


83 of 86 people found the following review helpful:

5 out of 5 stars Raise your hand if you're Certain!, September 15, 2003

Reviewer: chatchi (Chicago, IL) - See all my reviews
As the resident pit-stain guy in the office, I was desperate to find a solution to my excessive underarm perspiration. Whether it was being asked to get something from the top shelf -- or the never-ending requests to do the "field goal" signal -- my coworkers shared many a laugh at chatchi's expense.

While it is not uncommon to have perspiration rings under the arms of your shirt, it IS uncommon to have those rings bleed down to your belt. Doctor's call it Axillary Hyperhidrosis -- chatchi calls it "Swamp Pits". My perspiration was becoming so unmanageable, I would wear four (4) undershirts to prevent the stains from bleeding through to my dress shirts. The idea worked, but the extra layers only caused chatchi to sweat even more.

The average adult perspires a little more than one quart of fluid per day. chatchi perspired more than SEVEN quarts of fluid per day. After failing numerous job interviews, and scaring away an immeasurable amount of potential romantic companions because of my mind-boggling sweat production, it was time for me to get help.

My search ended with Certain Dri. This remarkable, non-prescription product is applied to the underarm area before you go to bed. While the concept might seem unusual, you wouldn't be reading this review unless you were used to going to unusual lengths to prevent underarm perspiration.

Certain Dri is applied in place of your regular anti-perspirant/deodorant, but I'd advise still using a scented deodorant every day, since Certain Dri does a less than adequate job of masking the stench. The first time you use the product, don't be surprised if you experience a slight irritation to the underarms (comparable to bathing in gasoline, then setting yourself on fire) -- that's the 12% aluminum chloride going to work. Don't worry, the irritation will go away after a couple of days. The roll-on applicator is less than desirable -- ripping out armpit hairs during application -- but I suppose it's better than those nasty aerosol brands.

Just how good is Certain Dri? Well, the directions say that, when used "sparingly", Certain Dri can prevent perspiration for up to 84 hours after application. I've found that I can literally go weeks without applying Certain Dri, and my pits remain dry as a desert. My confidence has been restored in interviews, and women are no longer turned off by extreme underarm moisture.

Thanks to Certain Dri, chatchi had the last laugh.

i feel like i've already told the first AOL story before...  


but i couldn't find it in my email archives.

I can't retell the whole story, but here are some highlights:

after being on hold for over an hour, i finally got a live person. I told them that I didn't have a computer anymore and thus I had no need for AOL. He suggested that I ask for a new computer for xmas, which was coming up. I told the guy that my family couldn't afford that. He said that he'd give me two months free, and then if i do get a computer, i'll still have AOL. I said that should i ever get a new computer, i'll give them a call and sign back up. He said "well, why don't you avoid all that hassle of having to resign up and just stick with AOL". I said that was pretty funny, b/c I could sign up for AOL on the internet, or instantly get someone on the phone, but when I want to cancel i have to go through all this rig-a-ma-roll. When he suggested that I should still hold out for a computer i lost it. I was apologizing while i was yelling, telling them i know they are just doing their job, but then i screamed "unless you want to buy me a computer yourself, then the next words out of your mouth better be that my account is cancelled. And, if those AREN'T the next words, then I'm going to get angry. And trust me, you don't want to see me angry, b/c then we're going to have problems." That got the job done.

Tony Z, i may have told you that my plans for the NEXT time i cancel AOL was to say that i didn't have any arms and couldn't type on the keyboard anymore. I definitely remember debating using that excuse or even a "i was just told i have a week to live". But, Ross told me that using the political angle will get them right off the phone. I had such a great experience about ranting about politics that I almost want to join again.

The 5 dollar pizza  


Oh how i love thee, let me count the ways

1) You are 5 dollars

2) That includes tax, so there is no change involved

3) You are pizza. Thus, you are just my type.

4) You are right next door to another friend's house.

5) The first time we met, you showed a lot of potential. Slightly undercooked, but there was an excess amount of cheese.

6) The 2nd time we met, you were perfect.

7) Here is a picture from our first encounter.

How to cancel AOL in 5 minutes  


They said the 4 minute mile would be the ultimate human feat. They were wrong. Despite all the obstacles, I was able to cancel AOL in under 5 minutes. First, when you call their main number, ignore all the menus, and continuously hit 0. Eventually, you will be directly connected to a real life human being. The guy that I spoke with then gave me a different number to specifically cancel my account. Another real life human being picked up. After telling him that I wanted to cancel, and confirming my billing information, here’s how the conversation went:

Him: “so, will you be switching over to a different service”

Me: “no, I’m not going to have any internet, actually, I…”

Him: “oh, did something happen to your computer?”

Me: “No, I can just use the internet at work. Look, I realize it’s your job to try and say anything to get me to stay. But, my decision is made and there’s nothing you can say that will change it. I doubt you want to get into a political discussion, but I did some research and I have to tell you that I think AOL-Time Warner is hurting our country. I don’t want to support your company anymore. Huge media conglomerates such as your corporation limit options, stifle free speech and generally hurt the country.”


Him: “well, there really aren’t any other options. Any choice of a company you decide to use…”

Me [cutting him off]: “There you go, you said it all in that one sentence. There AREN’T any options out there. There are 5 huge conglomerates that control all the media in our country. Do you realize how dangerous that is? You control everything, and I, as a consumer, don’t have any options. You dictate what people are allowed to consume and you leave us with no other options. So, if you are telling me that I must choose between one of these companies, I tell you that my choice is “nothing”.”

Him: “Here is your cancellation information. Have a good day.”

I actually took time to pick out the soundtrack to this rant on Ocean's 12  


[for those of you wondering, I had to go with a playlist of slower sleater-kinney songs]

With all due respect to Einstein and Stephen Hawking, they've been looking in the wrong place for their T.O.E. (theory of everything). If one really wants to understand the mysteries of the universe and discover that one unifying force, they needn't look any further than Ocean's 12. Everything [sidenote: what in the world happens when you swallow weird and your tongue gets stuck to the roof of your mouth? why does that hurt so much? am i creating a suction that is ripping up my esophogus? oh man, that hurt] that is wrong in our society, and the universe in general, is captured in this terrible terrible movie.

Ocean's 11 was a decent movie. Not spectular by any means, but definitely watchable (and rewatchable to be honest). It was the kind of movie that would fall apart if you sat there with a notepad and tried to find plot holes, but held together if you gave it the benefit of the doubt and just sat back and enjoyed the ride. Ocean's 12's plot holes jump out at you and punch you in the face. I can't even tell you how low my expectations were going into this movie. But, somehow this movie underchieved.

One of the many problems with sequels is that the characters usually have to be more "X-treme to Max" in order to satisfy the fans. The funny guy has to be funnier, the dangerous guy has to be dangerouser, etc. etc. Ocean's 12 breaks that mold though. Instead, the characters just act completely different. Was there any mention of Danny being this legendary thief in the first movie? The way i remember it (and i might be wrong as i haven't seen 11 in awhile) was that Danny was a decent thief who was looking for one more big score before he hung it up. He had the plan, but needed the help of the 10 other specific experts. Now, Danny is so famous, that the plot actually centers around another thief being jealous of his reputation.

Matt Damon's character (linus) was the rookie of the group in 11. But, he had a decent reputation because his father had been a pro. In 12, he starts out by completely kissing Danny's ass, and then has an "aw shucks" attitude with Brad Pitt's character. "please let me have a bigger role in this thing. I'll be ever so grateful". Where is this coming from? He didn't act like this in the first movie. Oh yeah, b/c this new characteristic will fit into the plot (more on that later).

Wow, i just saw a "commercial" (is that the right word?) for ocean's 12 on hbo and my hate started boiling. I started to think about all the things i hated about this movie, and then i remembered that i had started a rant on it, but got sidetracked. Sure enough, the above was written weeks ago. I can't even remember the movie enough to continue. things are popping into my head right now, but i'm not at all confident that i can remember everything. so i'm not going to try. i can't do it justice.

this move was bad. fin.

Oh man, the simpsons just. don't. get. it.  


in a commercial for the simpsons last night, the voice over guy said "sunday nights on fox...the only place to see NEW simpsons episodes." There's so much to be said about that statement. Can they really possibly think that all of the syndicated episodes of the simpsons is dilluting the market? ha! Those old episodes are the only thing keeping fans from completely rejecting new simpsons episodes. People cling to their past glory in desperation. "just maybe it might be decent this week". Well, it never is. Their campaign should be "Sunday nights on fox....if you squint hard enough, it almost looks like the same show"

another one of those forwarded emails about how great Bush is  



With my comments in bold italics.

Things that make you think a little:

There were 39 combat related killings in
Iraq in January.
In the fair city of
Detroit there were 35 murders in the
month of January. That's just one American city,
about as deadly as the entire war-torn country of

Detroit: over 900,000 residents (11th most popular US city), medium household income is under 30,000, and over 26% of the population is below the poverty line. 47% of citizens are deemed "functionally illiterate" in 1998, and numbers are currently higher. 72% of all children born in Detroit are to unwed mothers. It's the 2nd most violent city (Camden NJ is #1). There are racial tensions in Detroit and there has been a lot of white flight in the past, which has helped erode the middle class.

But yes, let's look at the despair in Detroit and twist it into proof that the Iraqi war isn't that bad. Let's only look at the number of "combat related" killings while ignoring all of the non fatal injuries. Who cares if soldiers lose body parts or develop illnesses based on our use of chemical weapons? Only deaths count.

A fraction of the money used on the war in Iraq could have been used to help the people in Detroit .

When some claim that President Bush shouldn't
have started this war, state the following:

"Some?" Most of
America now thinks the choice to go to war was wrong.

a. FDR led us into World War II.

"Led us into". Note: He didn't start the war. He didn't jump right in. He entered the war when it became absolutely necessary to. Not a moment sooner.

Germany never attacked us; Japan
From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost ...
an average of 112,500 per year.

Let's compare the Iraqi war (which essentially consists of our army going against insurgents) to a war that went on for years on a GLOBAL scale. Then, the Iraqi war will look small in comparison.
Germany attacked free democratic nations. We've always had a policy against such aggression, as well we should.

c. Truman finished that war and started one in
North Korea never attacked us.
From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost ...
an average of 18,334 per year.

I don't know anything about the Korean war.

d John F. Kennedy started the
Vietnam conflict in 1962.
Vietnam never attacked us.

"started the Vietnam conflict". Could that be any more vague? The conflict was already brewing by 1957, and if you look at the bigger picture of the "cold war", it's pretty unfair to put all the blame on JFK. He is a democrat though….

e. Johnson turned
Vietnam into a quagmire.
From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost ....
an average of 5,800 per year.

The issues surrounding the Vietnam war are too complex to just label as this. But yes, I'll agree that there are similarities between Veitnam and Iraq . Shouldn't we learn from our mistakes?

Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent.
Bosnia never attacked us.
He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three
times by
Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on
multiple occasions.

It blows my mind that Clinton is blamed for dropping the ball on terrorism, but Bush has never received even the slightest complaint for allowing 9/11 to happen on his watch. Clinton gets blamed for Bin Laden, but Regan/Bush aren't even mentioned? Yeah, that's fair. Hey, how come the writer failed to post the number of casualties in the Bosnian War?

g. In the years since terrorists attacked us , President Bush
has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled
al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in
Libya, Iran, and North
without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who
slaughtered 300,000 of his own people.

Please define: liberated, crushed, crippled, without, and terrorist. Because the way I see it, those countries (what's the 2nd country,
Afghanistan ?) are not even close to being liberated. Afghanistan is said to be just as bad, if not worse, than it was before, and if memory serves, I think the Taliban is back to being in quasi control there. Is Iraq liberated? Really? The only news I've heard about positive things in Iraq has been from either Fox News or the fake propaganda stories that our government has infiltrated the Iraqi newspapers with. The Bible is perfect b/c it says so, and the war in Iraq is a-ok because our government says so.

How can it be claimed that we haven't fired a shot? We destroyed a country to flex our military muscles. North Korea is an entirely different issue, despite being lumped in with the "axis of evil". Libya and Iran are very complex issues, and we've royally screwed things up with these nations via the Iraqi war.

The Democrats are complaining
about how long the war is taking.
But ..
It took less time to take
Iraq than it took Janet Reno
to take the Branch Davidian compound.
That was a 51-day operation.

"take Iraq". If we've taken it already, why is there still a problem?

We've been looking for evidence for chemical weapons
for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find
the Rose Law Firm billing records.

Looking for evidence? We were told that they definitely had them and that they could be launched in 30 minutes. Hold onto this lie that we're eventually going to find them. It makes you very credible.

It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the
Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard
than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his
Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick

I wish I could spell that Latin word that translates to "attack the person, not the argument". Ad homonym ? Hillary is a bitch, and Ted is a murderer. I get it. Let's resort to name calling when the democrats attempt to make points.

It took less time to take
Iraq than it took
to count the votes in

Do you really want to bring up the 2000 election in this argument? Really?

Our Commander-In-Chief is doing a GREAT JOB!
The Military morale is high!

When I read this line, I actually started to think this entire email was being sarcastic. First of all, people who join the military already have an extreme view on patriotism and our country. But, even this group's morale has been sinking.

The biased media hopes we are too ignorant
to realize the facts

The media is biased all right. If I was one of 5 huge media conglomerates that generates billions of dollars, you can rest assured I'd put out a message that protected my interests. One of the big 5, General Electric, generates enormous amounts of revenue from military defense contracts. Damn that liberal media bias!

- Show quoted text -

But Wait there's more!

Mon, 26 Jan 2004 11:13

Some people still don't understand why military personnel
do what they do for a living. This exchange between
Senators John Glenn and Senator Howard Metzenbaum
is worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive
impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of one
man's explanation of why men and women in the armed
services do what they do for a living.

This IS a typical, though sad, example of what
some who have never served think of the military.

Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn):
"How can you run for Senate
when you've never held a real job?"

Senator Glenn (D-Ohio):
"I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps.
I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions.
My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different
occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't my
checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It was
not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the
daily cash receipts to the bank."

"I ask you to go with me ... as I went the other day...
to a veteran's hospital and look those men
with their mangled bodies .. in the eye, and tell THEM
they didn't hold a job!

You go with me to the Space Program at NASA
and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans
of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee...
and you look those kids in the eye and tell them
that their DADS didn't hold a job.

You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in
Arlington National Cemetery , where I have more friends
buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch

You stand there, and you think about this nation,
and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job?

What about you?"

For those who don't remember ..
During W.W.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an attorney
representing the Communist Party in the

Now he's a Senator!

If you can read this, thank a teacher.
- Show quoted text -

If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.

It might not be a bad idea to keep this circulating.

Oh my god, Metzenbaum represented the communist party as an attorney. That means he must be a commie-pinko. This entire speech was just to make us all swell with patriotic pride about how people give their lives for our country. Call me crazy, but shouldn't that be a reason to be extra cautious about determining what they are going to go die for?

How about we thank a teacher by not diverting resources to public schooling and keeping it for your precious private schools? And in what war was "English" on the line? The closest I could think of is WWII, but clearly that was a bad war to get involved in, right?

My near death lunch experience  


My George Foreman grill no longer works, so I’m forced to go back in time and cook food like a savage…on the stove. I knew there was a reason why I hate stove cooking, but I couldn’t remember it. To save time, I heated the olive oil on high. But, I forgot to lower the flame before I stuck the chicken in. Immediately, and I mean IMMEDIATELY, the oil start bursting into little bombs of pain. It was so out of control that I had a slight concern over the oil spilling into the flame and causing a fire. But, besides that, those little balls of pain hurt when they hit your arm and face. So as I’m trying to dive back into ground zero to lower the flame, I notice that my suits and dress shirts are dangerously close to the stove (I had moved the rack the other day to find a pair of sweat pants…that’s an entirely different embarrassing story). Since I never ever want to buy another suit again, I decide to ignore the pain of scorching oil and move the rack. But, I had just touched raw chicken, so I couldn’t use my left hand. I try moving it with my right hand, and the entire thing starts to collapse. Now I’m hanging onto the remains of the makeshift closet with one hand, holding my raw chicken infested hand up away from me, and having oil burn into my flesh.

I honestly didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t figure out what the lesser of two evils was. The closet was actually falling into another one, and if they both went down, it would be hours of work. On the other hand, the oil was really hurting. The time it took me to decide proves once and for all that I’m not good in a crisis. In the end, I let the clothes go first. Luckily, it wasn’t “that” hard to put it back together, and the clothes don’t look that messed up.

Lunch, of course, is ruined.

good old RU, creating controversy  


"Twenty coaches voted for their own teams, with none straying too far from the consensus.

Among the notables, Rutgers coach Greg Schiano gave the Scarlet Knights (7-4) their only vote, putting them 25th on his ballot."

American History X - an email i wrote  


I can’t believe I avoided a re-watching of American History X because you were so against the ending. I watched it tonight, and I think you really missed the ball on this one. You assumed facts not in evidence. There are only two major actions that Danny does. The first is to take down the flags in his room. I don’t think this is an unreasonable action at all. First, I think you don’t fully appreciate the impact of the scene at the party. That entire group turned on Danny’s role model / brother. His “friend” Seth pulled a trigger on him, while his brother’s girlfriend was screaming for him to pull the trigger. If I was Danny, I would immediately be against that group. There’s a hiarchy in terms of what people will blindly follow (some freaks call it a council of gods). Danny blindly followed both the DOC and his brother, but his brother would always trump.

Regardless, taking down the posters isn’t completely rejecting the beliefs. First, he could at the very least be respecting his brother’s beliefs. They are sharing a room, and maybe Danny is considerate enough to not want that stuff up there if it’s going to make his brother uncomfortable. Remember, the guy did get raped by a bunch of Nazis. Second, rejecting the DOC is separate from rejecting the racist beliefs. It’s very possible that Danny understood the dangers of being in that group and was deciding to leave it.

The fact that Danny isn’t completely turned is pretty apparent when he learns about Seth being attacked by the black guys. He asks his brother if they should go visit him in the hospital. This is a guy who pulled a trigger on his brother the night before! Furthermore, Danny didn’t change his look at all the next morning for school. He still had the chain on his wallet, which I believe is a trademark of skinheads.

The paper is probably the reason you most thought Danny had changed. But, I don’t think you really listened to the words. He didn’t say that everything he believed in was wrong. He said that carrying around hate is baggage. This was an essay on his brother’s experiences. Is there any question that his brother let his hate be baggage? He spent three years in prison because of his hate. The moral of the story he told Danny was that his hate was baggage. I think it’s very plausible to believe a racist person could, in the course of 24 hours, realize that it’s wrong to focus on your hate all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve resolved to just be RVD (wow, I originally typed that as RBV and had to think about his name) at the spur of the moment. “Ok, I’m not going to let this stuff consume me anymore.”. I probably say that once every six months.

I always assumed the last quote in the paper was MLK because Danny says “I picked a guy that you would like.” Well, I had to look it up online, and it’s actually Abraham Lincoln. To be honest, it’s slightly racist to say that the teacher would like Lincoln. He might as well have thrown in a “you know, because he freed you people.” As a side note, I’ve read some very racist comments by Lincoln.

Anyway, if you reexamine the paper, it’s message isn’t “I’ve been wrong about everything”, but rather “allowing the hatred to consume my brother has really screwed up our lives.” A racist could have such thoughts without completely abandoning his belief system.

I will grant you that tearing down the posters is a bit overdramatic, and the tone in which Danny narrates his paper is a little too cute for my taste. Clearly, the implication was there that he was “changing”. Leaving you to assume that makes the ending that much more tragic. However, I think that it’s a lot more open ended and vague than you originally thought. This wasn’t the feel good story of the year, where Danny is saved in the course of two hours. There were three life altering events (brother gets out of prison, brother is turned on at party, and brother discusses the past three years) in the course of one night. It gave the tone of a paper (on that very subject!) a distinct edge to it. Who’s to say that Danny wouldn’t continue to believe in his racist beliefs for an extended period had he not been murdered? You were expecting the happy ending, and then allowed the open ended questions to reaffirm that.

I know you don’t watch movies a second time unless they are terrible, but you should give this another try.

Rumors of Anna Benson being traded!  


Amazin's hurler's
wife pitches fit

My comments in bold italics

Mets pitcher Kris Benson's hottie wife, Anna, is livid at team officials, alleging that a potential Playboy spread caused team brass to start trade talk.

The bombshell wife of Mets pitcher Kris Benson blew up at the Amazin's yesterday for trying to trade her husband - and charged her negotiations to pose nude for Playboy were to blame.

Sexy Anna Benson insisted she's not baring it all anytime soon and ripped the Mets for shopping her hubby just a year after signing him to a four-year deal.

"We would never, ever have signed with New York if they had said they were going to trade us," said Anna Benson, 29.

“we” didn’t sign, Anna. Kris did. The Mets pay KRIS BENSON to play for them. You are the wife of a baseballplayer. You consistently attempt to make money off of his name, and it’s embarrassing and degrading.

"I was Miss [Politically Correct] for the Mets the entire time I was there.

Miss Politically correct posed for FHM magazine and went on record saying that she would sleep with every Mets employee if Kris ever cheated on her.

"I have no deal with Playboy," she said, adding that talks crumbled last month over money.

Sounds like you attempted to have a deal, and it fell through. It also sounds like if the money was ever right, that deal would be back on the table. And, is it a big surprise that she demanded more money from Playboy than they were willing to pay? How much of her celebrity comes from the fact that she’s married to a baseball player? 95%?

The pinup model also blasted the team for signing Carlos Delgado, who she suggested is unpatriotic because he has, in the past, refused to stand for the playing of "God Bless America."

"How are they going to sit there and say it's so controversial when they sign someone like Delgado, who turns his back on our flag?" Anna Benson said.

Let’s avoid the substance of Delgado’s political stance for a minute. The Mets inquired BEFORE they traded for him about his stance, and he said he would stand for god bless America if that’s what they wanted. So, if Anna is going to hold Delgado accountable for past actions, I guess her “I’m not in negotiations with Playboy” is a moot issue b/c she’s already posed for Penthouse.

Now, as for the substance part, I’m not even going to discuss. Delgado is a hero for standing up for what he believes in despite the consequences. He was a free agent last year, and his “controversy” probably cost him millions of dollars.

Still, posing in her birthday suit would be as American as apple pie, said Benson, who once threatened to sleep with the entire Mets team if she caught her husband cheating.

"Playboy is all-American. Everyone from Marilyn Monroe to Cindy Crawford has posed," fumed Benson, who once posed topless for Penthouse. "They didn't turn their back on the flag."


Mets brass have acknowledged trying to move Kris Benson and his $7.5 million salary, and insiders say management is uncomfortable with the prospect of Anna Benson posing nude for Playboy.

Being uncomfortable with something, and trading a player because of it are two different things.

But a team spokesman shot down the trade rumors and insisted there would be no ruffled feathers in Flushing over a Playboy pictorial.

"We do not make moves based on anything the players' wives do," said Mets spokesman Jay Horwitz. "We know she's trying to build a career for herself and we wish her well."

…build a career for herself [by using her husband’s semi celebrity status]…

Kris Benson, 31, had a so-so first full season with the Amazin's, going 10-8 with a 4.13 earned run average.

Why doesn’t Anna address his mediocrity? Or the fact that the SECOND he signed his contract last year, every single GM and fan were laughing about how ridiculously overpaid he was. The GMs stopped laughing when they realized that this contract was so out of line, that it literally shifted the market. Everyone points to the Kris Benson contract as the single biggest reason that pitchers were overpaid last season.

But Anna Benson angrily called the Mets out for saying they planned to build the team around him when they inked the free agent to a deal last year.

"They wanted [veteran pitcher] Tommy [Glavine] to school him, and then they turn around and trade us?" she asked. "The whole thing is upsetting to everybody."

“trade US”??? What? Ok, Mrs. Doug Christie.

The hot-under-the-collar hottie says she's also angry because the couple came to New York, in part, to help 9/11 charities. Some $1 million in Kris Benson's contract is earmarked for charitable donations.

"We wanted to help the city because of 9/11," Anna Benson said. "We specifically did it for New York, and then they turn around and trade us? I just don't understand."

Yeah, I’m sure those charitable donations weren’t made to boost your PR. That’s why you kept them anonymous until now. Oh wait. And I guess you aren’t allowed to care about the 9/11 victims unless you live/play in NY.

And, btw, sweetheart. If you weren’t so greedy, you could have accepted less money and in return the Mets may have given you a “no trade clause”. Are you THAT shocked that a team might want to trade a player? You had the chance to protect yourself, and you didn’t. Good riddance.

This is why Pam Oliver gets paid the big bucks  


Remember, her job consists of asking two questions: one at half time and one at the end of the game.

end of the game question: "Why don't you talk a little bit about, oh, i don't know...the game plan that Tim Lewis had coming into this sucker."

Awkwardness follows me everywhere  


I know Steve claims that I lead an awkward existence, but I’m convinced that the awkwardness finds me. I had a nice little morning planned: I was going to wake up early and go food shopping and then get some fresh bread at Calandras. I was thinking about stopping at Bed Bath and Beyond too, but didn’t know if I’d have time. Anyway, the roads were completely empty and I felt alone in the universe (in the good way). I had a fortress of solitude between my headphones and hooded jacket. I get a coffee at DD and decide to drink it outside before I continue walking (I’m incapable of drinking and walking at the same time as pregaming at concerts has proven).

I’m lost inside a SOAD song when I notice a cop is pulling over to right where I’m standing. I look around, and there is no one anywhere close around me. I assume he’s going in for coffee, but he doesn’t get out of his car. Now I’m a little nervous. Could this be considered loitering? Am I not allowed to drink coffee outside of DD? Ok, technically I’m a few stores over from DD, but that was just b/c I didn’t want to be standing there with other people walking in and out of the store (shoot, maybe I DID bring this awkwardness upon myself).

Anyway, now I’m standing there with a cop car two feet from me. Like Han Solo tells Chewbacca (wow! Chewbacca doesn’t create a red line under it in Word. Man, I wish I could remember the “legal” word that is very common but still not in spell check. I should be offended that a commercial/entertainment word like Chewbacca is in their database), I want to keep my distance, but not look like I’m keeping my distance. So, I make a big production out of putting my coffee down and buttoning up my hood. Now, I have no peripheral vision or ability to hear. If the cop is going to try and get my attention, I’m screwed.

So, after I think I’ve spent enough time “preparing” to leave, I duck my head down to look into his window. With the glare, I couldn’t tell if he was looking at me or not. I looked just a little too long into his window, and since I didn’t make eye contact (at least I don’t think I did), I couldn’t even give a head nod. At this point, I’m resided (word?) to the fact that I’ve completely blown this interaction with the cop and now he’s going to have it out for me. I feel completely awkward, and decide to just make a break for it.

I get out into the parking lot, and OF COURSE a car starts coming. So, being no more than 3 steps away from the cop car, I have to start running. My back is to the cop, and I’m running for my life. I can’t hear or see, so for all I know he’s telling me to stop, or thinks I’m black and is already drawing his gun to shoot me. [it’s obvious that comment is a knock on the police and not a racist statement, right?].

Take a guess how this story ends? Of course I slip and almost kill myself. I swear, I’m the king of the “start to slip and fall and somehow catch myself at the last second”. It’s 8:30 in the morning, on a snowy Sunday morning, and I’m running “from the cops” and completely self conscious of my awkwardness. I’m never leaving my apartment again.