"you don't storm the court on a home win"  


wakeforest's fans "stormed the court" after beating Duke just now. It was an exciting game but the storming was awkward. They kind of walked quickly onto the court.

ESPN cuts to the NBA game, and the announcers were talking about the Duke/WF game. And one announcer says that "when you are the #4 team, you shouldn't storm the court". Then the other announcer says "you don't storm the court on a home win."

Think about that for a minute.

Quick bullet points on two weeks of Netflix  


Serpico - Loved it. Going in, the only information I had on the movie was from the parady done in "it's always sunny". Flying blind is always better. Anyway, someone asked me "how could you love Serpico, but hate Dog Day Afternoon?". If someone can answer that for me, I would appreciate it.

Bridge to Terabithia - Don't ask, it wasn't my choice. The movie was "whatever", but I'm disturbed by one element: they crowbarred a discussion of religion that didn't fit with the rest of the movie. Literally, out of nowhere, one of the character starts talking about Christianity. And then later in the movie, that conversation is reference. I'd love to know the significance of this conversation, but I refuse to look up anything to do with this movie.

Ghostworld - Awesome. AWESOME. While I was waiting for the Giant game last week, I saw that this was on channel 11. I was stunned to see one of the first scenes entirely cut out. There were no "indoor graduation" sceenes. They immediately cut to them leaving the school. Why?

Happiness - Though very depressing, I experienced a grat deal of happiness when I later read online that people (namely, religious groups) were flipping out that the Pediphile character was drawn as a "human" instead of a one dimensional monster. Sorry that everything isn't black or white.

Mullholland Drive - I can't tell if I actually liked it, or if I tricked myself into liking it because it's so critiquelly aclaimed.

A Mighty Wind - Funny, but not as good as "Best in Show". Best in Show might be my favorite "comedy". But I never laugh during it. I laughed out loud during A Mighty Wind, but I felt the jokes were too over the top. Each scene ended with an exagerated punchline. Best in Show was better at trusting the audience to get the humor.

Burn After Reading - These Coen Brothers are geniuses.

David Cross: Let America Laugh - I found this very awkward and disturbing. It's very sad to see what a comedian must endure. It's not heckling per se, but rather drunken buffoons obnoxiously hollaring out during his set. And then when they try to interact with him after the show, I cringed. Watching this behavior made me never want to drink again.

Sorry that there were no deep thoughts on any of these movies...I got nothing.

Dear Clearview  


As a frequent patron of the Clearview theater in Mansfield, NJ, I am aghast at the decision to not show Slumdog Millionaire. Since it’s release in mid November, the movie has grossed roughly 43 million domestically, received an average of 86 on Metacritic, and won four Golden Globes, including Best Drama. And yet, for some reason, I have been unable to see it at your theater.

Since this is clearly a poor business decision, one can only speculate as to other motives for not showing the film. Interestingly enough, The Secret Life of Bees is another example of a movie that you chose not to show at the Mansfield theater. Does management have an issue with movies that have a predominantly minority cast? Or does it incorrectly think that the people of Mansfield (and surrounding area) would not watch movies with such a cast? In either case, your decision is troubling, and very insulting.

Unless something is done to rectify this offensive pattern, we will no longer be frequenting your establishment. This type of problem should not be occurring in 2009, and I hope your other customers begin to take notice. In the hopes of bringing this issue to attention, I am also contacting consumerist.com

Thank you,

The two best SNL monologues that you will never see  


Tony: ...I've been thinking it's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that, I know. But lately I've been gettin' the feelin' that I come in at the end. The best is over.

Is there anyone from my generation who actually thinks SNL is good? Or heck, even "was" good at any point in our lives? While the old stuff was ground breaking, our personal "golden age" was anything but. Sure, Hartman, Farley, Sandler, et al were "funny" at times...maybe even "most" of the time. But the real SNL wasn't just funny, it was cutting edge. It was bucking the establishment. It was the kind of stuff that we can only read about in books.

Sadly, I recently learned that we came very close, on two separate occasions, of rekindling that "not quite ready for prime time" magic.

Years ago (probably around the time he was promoting his movie) Howard Stern came close to hosting the show. Like us, however, he realized how bad the show had become. So, he had a few minor requests: he wanted to write the entire show. See, instead of the normal process of the cast writing their own skits, Howard wanted Jackie and Fred to write everything. And, if that wasn't enough, he also proposed an opening monologue that Andy Kaufman would have been proud of.

In a meeting with Lorne Michaels, Howard came up with the idea of dressing down every cast member of the show. Howard would pretend that the first skit was "Howard's school of comedy, 101." The cast would act as "students", expecting to be in a traditional skit, with the standard corny jokes.

However, once in front of a live camera, Howard would go off script and explain to each cast member why they weren't funny. He would be brutal, but he would be honest. And then we, as viewers, would get to see how they'd react. Would they fight back? Would they clam up? Now THAT would be must see tv.

Although intrigued by the idea, Lorne couldn't betray his cast like that, so he had to turn Howard down. But now that I know the story, I can't help but daydream how deliciously awkward that would be.

The second brush with greatness came when Norm Macdonald hosted the show. Now, when I said that SNL had never been cutting edge in my lifetime, I wasn't being completely honest. Norm's version of Weekend Update remains one of the funnier things I've ever seen on TV. He was un-apologetically brutal. And hilarious. But politics led to him being fired.

Some time after being fired, Norm found himself hosting the show. And his monologue explaining that ironic turn of events remains a classic:

Norm MacDonald: When the people here asked me to do the show, I've got to say, I felt kind of weird. I don't know if you remember this, but I used to actually be on this show. I used to do the "Weekend Update" news routine, you remember that? That's where I did the make-believe news jokes. That was me, you know? So then, a year and a half ago, I had sort of a disagreement with the management at NBC. I wanted to keep my job. Right? And they felt the exact opposite. They fired me because they said that I wasn't funny. Now, with most jobs, I could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that, but see, this is a comedy show. So, they got me. But, now, this is the weird part, it's only a year and a half later, and now, they ask me to host the show. So I wondered, how did I go from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I'm now hosting the show? How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?! It was inexplicable to me, because, let's face it, a year and a half is not enough time for a dude to learn how to be funny! Then it occurred to me, I haven't gotten funnier, the show has gotten really bad! So, yeah, I'm funny compared to, you know, what you'll see later. Okay, so let's recap, the bad news is: I'm still not funny. The good news is: The show blows! Alright, folks, we've got a bad show for you tonight! Dr. Dre, Snoop Doggie Dogg and Eminem are here. We'll be right back!

Here's the audio:

Anyway, as amazing as that monologue was, he actually planned on going further. Norm Macdonald, crazy genius that he is, wanted to say that monologue, and then hop into a cab and leave the show. Every skit would have been in total disarray without the host being there. How awesome would that train wreck be? I don't even dare to imagine. His career would have been destroyed, but man would it have made for some compelling television.

Are Mets and Jets fans typical loser fans, or unique?  


The self pity, inferiority-complex-driven Mets fans forced me to renounce my allegiance in 2000. Never thought much of it. Like Redsox fans, Mets fans seemed to care more about the Yankees than their own team. And they not only expected to lose, but saw it as a right of passage.

Recently, however, I noticed fans of the Jets started acting the same way. Die hard season ticket holders talked about "the same old Jets" as they began their horrid faRve led collapse. From this casual eye, it doesn't seem like the Jets have underachieved often. Sure, they've never had the best team, but I can't picture any surprisingly poor seasons.

The Mets, of course, have had some epic collapses in recent years, but they've also experienced success. From the Miracle Mets, to the coke fueled '86 team, to a couple of recent playoff runs, this franchise seems "solid". Sure, they aren't the Yankees, and they had to play in Shea, but nobody is perfect.

But that's the thing; is all this self pity the result of being near the Yankees? Are fans of other franchises more realistic in their expectations because they aren't constantly reminded of the Yankees; success? And, with the Jets, is it extra painful to share a stadium named after a team that has won three rings in one generation?

What say you, Seattle Seahawk fans? Are you as whiny as your NY counterparts? Tell me, Houston Astro fans, are you jealous and pathetic like those fellas from Queens? I'm quite curious.

bride wars  





Third night in a row where i can't sleep.   After three nights, the next morning tends to involve throwing up.  I wonder if insomnia is a modern ailment that our ancestors didn't suffer from.  I can't imagine cavemen staying up worrying about things.  

My Enterprise Dream Comes True  


I always enjoyed the enterprise commercial where the car is wrapped in paper. Every time I would see the paperless windshield, I would be disappointed. What would it be like, I wondered, to drive with a completely covered car.

Yesterday I drove by a car that came disturbingly close to answering that question. Instead of a driver side window, there was a big piece of cardboard duct-taped on. Yes, that's right. Cardboard. Not clear plastic, but completely opaque cardboard. Taking up the entire window. In a moving car.

I could see putting a garbage bag or something similar for a parked car. However, and feel free to call me crazy, but once a car starts moving, you need to be able to see to your left. That driver's side mirror is kinda sorta important.

And it wasn't even raining out or anything. That cardboard was only there to shield the driver from a cool breeze. Wear a coat!

Overtime in the playoffs  


and Peyton Manning, the star of the NFL (and current MVP) spent the entire time on the bench.   No more sudden death!

The Harlem Shuffle  


In 1986, The Rolling Stones were set to release their much anticipated single, "Harlem Shuffle".  Howard Stern, having recently taken over mornings for K-Rock, touted that he was going to be the first one to play it.   Not only did this stir up attention, but it was also a jab at other stations who smugly prided themselves in always having the scoop on such exclusivity.   

Anyway, Stern played the single (which was the Stones' interpretation of an old song) non stop for days.  The other stations were upset.  And the Stones' attorneys eventually sent a cease and desist letter.   For you see, it wasn't the real song, but rather Fred Norris' best guess at what a Rolling Stone's version of Harlem Nights would sound like.  

And not only were the other stations fooled (even when they were told it was a fake), but when the real version came out, it sounded disturbingly similar to Fred's version.   King Norris indeed!

It pains me that none of my friends religiously listen to Howard Stern anymore.  I feel like every "episode" provides ample material to dissect and discuss. 

Ever see a player gain 9 yards only to stretch out for that 10th on first down?  So have I.  And it's one of the dumbest plays in football.  The chances of getting a first down after 2nd and 1 is much greater than the chances of getting another 10 yards.  Especially if teams woke up and started going for it on 4th down more.  

Miley Cyrus is a true thespian  


Any fan of Howard Stern can tell you that Robin loves to sprinkle stupid actors talking about their stupid movies during her news.   On a good day, Howard can riff on how empty and fake these conversations are.  On a bad day, however, Howard will cut off an actor after 3 seconds and say "ok, terrific, anything else Robin?"   The latter is what occurred when Miley Cyrus was talking about her role in Bolt.  With that in mind, I'm stunned that I even remember it, but I distinctly recall her talking about how her and John Travolta developed a chemistry as the movie went on.   See, because, you know, like it's weird and stuff to "act" when all you are doing is talking into a microphone, but as the like scenes went on and stuff, we developed a chemistry.  

That's absurd on its face.   I don't believe in chemistry in a dugout, and I don't believe in it in a cartoon about dogs.  But then I actually watched the movie and I'm now blown away by her statement.  For, you see, her character and the dog don't actually talk!  Bolt talks to other animals.   And Miley's character will say stuff like "come here bolt", but they don't actually communicate with each other.   At best, there was a time or two where she was calling out for Bolt, and, unbeknownst to her character, Bolt was saying "here I come."

So what kind of chemistry was she talking about?   The only thing her character can here is "woof woof".   What kind of method acting is required to be able to connect to a dog like that?

What in the world is she talking about ???????

American Idol fans...our future  


Not sure how I missed this moment of Hathos from 2008

You dropped something...  


I was recently reminded of a bus driver that used to fascinate me.   Even though it's been years since I've been on one of his buses, he has greatly impacted my life.

Several buses travel the same route, and I would always leave school at different times, so I would only encounter this this bus driver a couple of times a month.   On one of my first trips with him, he startled me as I was getting on.

"You dropped something!"

Turning around on the narrow steps of a bus is no easy feat.   Especially when you have a backpack full of books, headphones, and a big heavy coat.  And the twisting and turning was extra awkward as there were a line of people forming behind me.  Finally I gave up and gave the driver a puzzled look.

"Do you want to know what you dropped?"

"Yes, please."

"You dropped your money in my machine.   Bwahahaha!"

I quietly shuffled to my seat.   I suppose that was a mildly amusing joke in theory, but it was very rattling.   The process of getting on the bus and paying is very stressful.  If your bill is a little wrinkled and gets rejected, people get very antsy.   I've actually seen arguments start because people don't have their money ready to go ahead of time.  Meanwhile, this driver was intentionally sabotaging my turn in line by slowing me down.  

Every time I wound up on a bus with this particular driver, I thought about that joke.   Then, about two months later, I heard him do it someone else!   Now, the gears in my head really began to churn.   How often does he tell this joke?  How does he choose which customer to pull it on?   Does he go insane waiting for the next time he can tell this joke?  "just one more lap around and then I can use it again!!!"  When did he first come up with the idea of the joke?   Was he on the job, or maybe he writes his material at home beforehand?  So many questions.

I would love to see data on this driver and that joke.   I would fund a whole study complete with a bunch of scientists in white coats.    Human behavior is so peculiar.