does anyone really know what it's like not to sleep? It's a cruel fate. Currently, I'm going through a cycle where I don't have a problem falling asleep, but then i wake up in a panic within 20 minutes. I'm having a reoccuring nightmare that is beyond ridiculous (it's not even "scary" per se). Then i wake up completely confused trying to figure out if i'm in OC or not. I would say no less than 10 times in the past week I've waken up trying to figure out how many people are staying in this room with me. Then i realize it's my apartment in newark. Then i realize said apartment is NOT in OC. Then i realize it's only 20 minutes from when i tried to go to sleep.

This feeling of not quite asleep and not quite awake is brutal. The actual "going" to sleep makes me tired, but then the panicy waking up makes me alert. Or at least quasi alert. I feel too tired to sleep, if that makes sense. I want to dig a hole and crawl into it. Hours mean nothing to me at this point. Next time i look at hte clock, it will be 4 am and i'll think i have the whole day ahead of me. Then it will be 7 pm and i'll wonder where the day went.

I need to win the lottery. I can't exist in a normal 9-5 world.

[and yes, i'm writing this at 11:30 pm. leave me alone]