On Friday at 3:30 PM, I left my house for the first time this week. I couldn't put off grocery shopping any longer (there's only so many times you can make a meal out of canned stringed beans), but I really wasn't looking forward to interacting with society. The fact that this event resulted in a blog entry pretty much confirms that the experience was even worse than I imagined.

First, I was kicking myself for not being ready by 3 PM. I've found that being at Pathmark by 3 pm ensures the least amount of human interaction and the shortest of lines. These are both good things. 3:30 is a crapshoot. Anyway, my first goal of buying salad left me confused and disoriented. None of the salads had the magic yellow sticker next to them, signifying that they are on sale. How am I supposed to know what to buy without that yellow sticker! After standing in the salad aisle for longer than what is socially acceptable, I grabbed a couple of the cheapest bags I could find, and moved on.

The next target is coldcuts. It's probably been a month since I've been here (when I was working, I didn't have the time to eat at home), and I was startled by the amount of advertising for a certain brand of coldcut (something with a T and W). Now, I again "choose" my coldcuts by what's on sale (conveniently labeled on the overhead sign above the counter). However, there were two turkeys on sale, and one of them was from this T and W company. Part of me wanted to avoid this company just out of principle. The other part of me was falling into the Grapes of Wrath trap of "well, california MUST be awesome b/c why else would they waste all that money advertising about jobs?". I didn't know what to do, and I was quickly running out of time.

To add insult to injury, both of the people ahead of me were being taken care of at the same time, and one of deli workers was coughing occasionally. She seemed to put a moderately decent effort into coughing into her elbow/sleeve, but it was still skeeving me out. I was silently rooting for customer B to finish first, but much to my dismay, A finished first. Now, I'm in full panic mode. As I order the Turkey (the non T and W, mind you), I need to step outside of myself to calm down. I have an internal debate arguing that all food purchased is disgusting and contaminated, and I just happened to visually see it this time. It's naive of me to think the meat was "clean" before this lady started her hacking fit, so I should just accept it and move on. Surprisingly, the thought of all food being disgusting did not calm my nerves.

When the woman couldn't find the turkey i requested, she began to walk away. I told her that any turkey from that company would be fine (seriously, is there a difference between honey, skinless, or browned?), but she insisted on finding a new one. While this was going on, customer B finished, and now worker B was just standing there. With no other customers around, I was faced with a decision.... Should I ask her to slice my ham? On the plus side, the ham wouldn't have phelmn on it. But, more importantly, I felt like it was inconsiderate to occupy both workers at the same time. In the end, I decided not to ask her.

Of course, fate would have it that the decision was not mine. "excuse me, can I get you some cheese?" What kind of question is that? Did she have a block of cheese open and was offering to slice it for me before she closed it? Or was she under the assumption that I was done buying meats and that all I needed was cheese? Completely caught in the headlights, I muttered "oh, no thank you, all I need is 1/2 a pound of that ham that is on sale". I was pretty pleased with myself for such a non committal answer. I wasn't asking her to slice that ham. I was just making an observation that I need ham sliced. If she wanted to volunteer to be the one to step up, so be it.

Here was what I was hoping for: Woman B would slice and complete the ham before woman A came back with this elusive "browned turkey". Critical to this timeline would be that no other customers come up to the counter.

Here's what actually happened: just as woman B grabbed the ham, woman A came back with brand new turkey (that was still sealed in plastic). 5 seconds later, cue two new customers walking to the counter.

Customer 1: "excuse me, miss. excuse me....."

Customer 2: "oh, I think they are both working on that gentleman's order"

me: [knees buckle]

Workers A and B, literally at the exact same time: "is this slice thin enough?"

[sidenote: for about two years I have told the women that I don't care about the thickness of the slice and that they don't have to bother showing me the thickness nor offering me a complimentary slice to taste. They never ever get it. I've been force fed slices before. I've given up trying to make their lives easier, and now just accept the fact that I will have to confirm each individual thickness].

Things got extra confusing when woman A incorrectly confirmed that I wanted 1/2 a pound of turkey. I think I momentarily blacked out, but I do remember this scene ending with me having to point at each woman to signify which one I was actually talking to. [points left]: "yes, that thickness is fine, but no, i want a pound of turkey" [points right]: "ok, now yes, that thickness is also fine, but I just need half a pound of ham."

Oh, and did i mention that I have a headphone in my right ear? I'm not going to get into the details of my layering of clothes, but it was physically impossible to reach my ipod, so I did the best thing I could and take one of the ears out when I walked up to the counter. I need to keep the 2nd ear in though b/c otherwise both headphones would just dangle. Trust me, I've struggled to develop the least offensive means of dealing with this issue, and this is all I could come up with.

So now, the other two customers see me pointing at the workers and barking out orders. Feeling completely awkward, I turn on the comedic self defense mechanism and start joking with them about my mistake. The customers seem to understand (at least somewhat), but I'm then saved by worker B as she throws in a joke about how there wasn't anyone here before and that's why they were both helping me. I grab the finished coldcuts, thank them, and put my head down in shame. I'm halfway through my adventure, and I assume the worst is over.

I go to purchase milk, but realize that my little carrying crate is "full". Not full in the full sense, but b/c some of the salads i bought were in plastic boxes, while others were in bags, there is no place for the milk. I'm about to put the crate on the floor to repack, but the floor is all wet (dirty-wet). So I have to repack while keeping the crate on the side of my hip. And by repack, i'm talking about just tossing stuff around in a mad dash to squeeze the milk in. It "works" to a certain extent, but now the crate is a mess.

Walking by the yogurt, i'm both happy and dismayed to see that they are half off. With crate in the condition that it's in, the only place for the yogurt is on top of the rest of the food. Yeah, gingerly placing ROUND yogurts on top of the crate won't create problems later on.

Now, I gotta get the heck out of there. I grab the first loaf of bread that's on sale (thank you yellow sticker!) and I make my way to the check out. The line is shockingly long, but I figure it's just a result of the 3:30 start. Both headphones are on, and I'm just going to mentally rest while I'm in this line.

[tap on my shoulder]

old guy: "you should go over there to the express line, it would be faster."

The "express" line in this pathmark is the scan and bag your own. I've seen it done, and it doesn't look easy. When you scan something, you have to put it in the bag to weigh it (so they know you are properly scanning). I have about two to three bags worth of food, so I wouldn't know what to do. But, this old guy is clearly the type to think he knows everything, so i thank him for the advice and start walking. Now, as i'm walking towards the express line, I see that it is actually very long, but the "regular" lines are just medium long. So I jump in one of them.

As though there was a big tattoo on my face that says "doesn't know how to shop" a guy (who was with his young daughter) sees me in line and says "you should go to the express line, it would be faster" (!!!!). At this point, I'm not moving so I tell him "oh, it's ok, I think i have too many items". him: "no seriously, you should go, don't waste your time in this line." Once again, I'm forced to use self deprecation to get me out of this tight situation, so I joke about how I'm not smart enough to use one of those things. He's about to try for a third time, but gives up before hand.

After about a minute in line, they open up a register two away from us. I don't feel like it's "fair" that people in the back of the line always get the benefit of a new line, so I let the guy and his daughter make a dash for it, while I stand in place. Unfortunately (for him), the daughter was screwing around with the cart, and they failed to get a good spot in that line. I feel awkward for him as he's now trying to "merge" into that line while the end of it tails off in the other direction.

I was going to offer to him that he get back in front of me, but I felt like that would be showing him up. The Pupil becomes the Master, so to speak. So i just stand there. Now, things really get hairy as the aisle between us has a woman setting up. Before she announces it out loud, she tells me to get in line, as it's opening up. Thinking that her mind would explode if i declined the offer, I reluctantly start dumping my stuff on the conveyor belt. I pray that the guy doesn't decide to backtrack back into this line, but of course he does. Now, as I'm unpacking (remember, in a normal situation you get to put stuff on the conveyor belt BEFORE it's your tun up in the hotseat) he pulls up behind me and starts unpacking too (at a much faster pace than me). I offer for him to go ahead of me, but he declines. I'm so flustered by the encounter that I hand the worker my credit card instead of slashing it myself. "whoops, my mistake.....it's been awhile since i've been here." Yeah, and it's going to be a long long time before I ever come back.

I sign the receipt and collect my bags (note: I always have issues with trying to figure out how many times I have to spin that bagged wheel to get all of my bags. i can never tell). As i'm walking towards the exit, I'm a beaten man, but still alive. Nothing else could go wrong... Until my phone rings.

2 bags in each hand, headphones on each ear, but I have to get this phone for two reasons: 1) I'm embarrassed by the "arrested development" ringtone (ringtones always seem like a good idea in theory, but not in practice) and 2) it could be a job. Hmm, the punchline of AD should be #2, but it's too late to go back and change that order. So, i step outside, fumble for my phone and shout at my cousin "yeah, i can't hear you, i have my headphones on and I'm walking out of pathmark. I'll call you in 5 minutes." I then hang up on him.

I get to the front of my house, and almost chuckle at the plight of my life. Then I see the woman across the street trying in vain to carry two kids and a stroller up the stairs. Since I don't want to startle her by just walking up to her, I shout from across the street "do you need some help". She looks at me, but doesn't answer. Now I'm really in trouble. Did I not hear her answer? What if she said yes and I don't go over? what if she said no and I do? I debate just running away, but decide to walk over there. I'm trying desperately to make eye contact with her, but she's not looking. Her kids have a confused look and are staring at me though. Great, just great. As I go to grab the stroller, i make a over the top gesture with my arms hoping she'd catch it in the corner of her eyes. Of course, I guessed wrong, as she's completely startled by seeing me. I again ask her if she needs help, and she shakes her finger at me and smiles "no". I give a "oh ok, I thought you needed help" and then slink away back to my apartment.

How could so many things go wrong in a simple trip to the grocery store? I'm never leaving this apartment again.