Repressed memories are funny, once unleashed, all the pain comes flooding back. And by pain, I mean hilarity. I had blacked out my attempt at murder in the Summer of 2001, but now the memories are as vivid as ever.
Steve’s friend was having a party in the Poconos. PJ picked me up and away we went. Just getting there was a brutal experience, as this place was deep in the middle of nowhere. When we finally got there, and were exausted by the trip, we were given a map by the receptionist who told us we were only at the main gate.
Upon arriving at this party, we were charged a shocking amount of money to partake in this party. I can’t remember the number, but I remember doing the math afterwards and it not adding up. We would later find out that they had been drinking all day (we got there around 10’ish), and we were basically subsidizing them. Screw it, I’ll take a guess and say it was 15 dollars a head.
Although the host was very nice, the rest of the cast was a sorry sack of characters. Randy, who immediately struck me as a meathead, had apparently brought this kid ____ [how sad is it that I can’t even remember the name of the person I tried to kill?]. When we got there, this kid was beyond drunk. He was shockingly loud and obnoxious, and playing a game of beer pong with him proved to be an exercise in tolerance.
At first, I used my patented passive aggressiveness to poke holes in his esteem (or at least get some laughs from PJ). The kid wasn’t biting though, as all the jokes went over his head. When we went upstairs for some food, I hatched a plan.
“hey, you know what would really get you over with the crowd? Jumping off the deck. All the chicks will think it’s cool”
“I don’t know, it’s kind of high…it could be dangerous”
“come on, I know you can do it. I have faith in you. I wouldn’t steer you wrong.”
Now, just in case the statute of limitations hasn’t run on attempted murder, I should throw in that 1) I was joking 2) I didn’t think he’d do it and 3) I didn’t expect him to get hurt if he did do it. Of course, that’s not the truth, as I was honestly hoping he’d do it and die. I threw in a few more lines of encouragement, and then went back down to the basement.
Then something spectacular happened. Everything moved in slow motion as I saw this angelic vision drift into my view. It was the kid. And he was falling from the deck. Our eyes met for a brief moment, and he pointed a big 2x4 at me (hacksaw jim duggan style), dropped it, and ran off into the woods.
Confusion, panic, fear. These were the feelings that everyone else at the party was experiencing. Me? Pride and Joy. We ran upstairs to see what had happened (as if I didn’t know!). Randy was flipping out. He comes up to me and says “right before he jumped, he said the big guy told him to do it. There are only two big guys here, you and John…”
“oh my god, John told him to jump? Why would he do that? That’s messed up man. I hope he’s ok”.
The host was freaked out partly b/c someone may have died at her party, but mostly b/c he had ripped off a part of the deck on his way down.
PJ and I gave a half hearted attempt to search the woods for him. About 10 feet in, it became “blair witch” and was total darkness. Allegedly, I confided in PJ that I hope we find this kid face down dead somewhere.
As the night wore on, Randy became increasingly panicky. When it started to pour, he grabbed a flash light, told us we were horrible friends, and that he was going out to save his friend. We told him that he’s probably just passed out in the car, but Randy retorted “don’t you think I checked their already?”
Randy came back around 3 in the morning completely soaked and w/o the kid. He said it was too dark, and was going to wait until sunrise to find him. We, on the other hand, proceeded to build a deck of cards on Adam, who had passed out (his words: went to sleep) hours ago.
Randy went to sleep in the basement w/o any blankets or pillows. Somewhere, I still have a picture of him laying completely still with his arms crossed. PJ and I snuck outside to discuss the current situation. We heard this horrific sound come from around back, and went to go investigate. But, it wasn’t a stray bear that we heard. Oh no, it was the kid, awaking from INSIDE HIS CAR! We ducked around the side of the house so that he wouldn’t see us. He stretched, yawned, and then went back into the car.
Now that we knew he was alive, I feared that my story would get out. Despite it being close to
Looking back, it’s more of a dream than reality. There are those who will claim that I’m exaggerating, but deep down in my heart, I know I wished death on that kid. And gosh darn it, I came pretty close.
Oh, and there was the added postscript bonus of learning that he threw up in his own car that night.
