The worst play in all of sports  

Posted

Is basketball's blocked shot where the defender swats the ball aggressively into the stands.   I feel so awkward watching a defender act all tough after such a move even though it's still the other team's possession.   There's absolutely no reason to "swat".



If a defender kept his arms straight he'd 1) be less likely to be called for a foul 2) have a better chance of blocking it (b/c he'd be as "high" as possible), and 3) be more likely to retain possession.



This play has always bothered me, but I just caught five minutes of a UCLA special.   Jabbar used to just "catch" an opponent's shot with the gentlest of blocks.   It was such a thing of beauty.



The NBA is dead.

0 comments »

you continue to dig your own grave  

Posted

"Then why would you specify a bottle if that wasn't your intention???"



Can't you read? I said bottle as an answer to her bottle or tap. when i sat down, i.e. BEFORE she asked that question, i only saw the bottles of beer listed on the menu as my options.



go back to the original post. i broke down each statement made and the order in which i remember them happening.



you are slow.





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2 comments »

No, Dos Equis wasn't just in a bottle  

Posted

"It's common sense that a Dos Eqis at a mexican themed restaurant would be in a bottle."

First of all, if any restaurant was going to have Dos Equis on tap, it would be a mexican restaurant. I assume that's what you meant.

But, the problem was that I didn't even consider draft beer as an option when I sat down. If you remember, when I looked at the menu, I asked why there weren't prices next to the beers. I was looking for the cheapest "beer" (i.e. not coors light, etc) on the menu. Normally, at a bar with the regular stuff on tap, I would get a Stella. But, I always forget that they tend to charge more for Stella b/c it's "foreign". So, i've been trying to mentally ingrain that into my head and find a domestic draft beer.

Whether it was because I didn't see taps when I was at the bar, or whether it was because i started to think of the place as a "restaurant" when we sat down at table, I don't know. But for whatever reason, the idea of draft beers were lost on me. So, I was choosing from the Bottles listed on the menu. Because Dos Equis apparently comes in both bottles and draft at the restaurant, the waitress had to ask. Instinctively, I said bottle, b/c that's what was on the menu, but my cheapness sense kicked in. Mentally: wait, drafts are cheaper than bottles. let's see what they have on draft. If you notice, I went with a domestic beer on draft, the cheapest of the cheap (uh, I assume blue moon is american, but i could be wrong).

So, it's even more logical that the waitress could confuse my saying "bottle" to go with the water.

Let's take out her question of "bottle or tap/draft" and my "bottle" out of the dialogue. Now you have this:

I'd like a dos equis lager, lager. [pause] Hmm, what do you have on draft?

a normal customer could do that. They see dos equis on the menu, and that's the beer they are going to go with, unless they have something unique on tap.

It's rare that a person would prefer a bottle over a draft, but then ask what's on draft. The only reason they'd do that if they were cheap, like I am. So, even though i said "bottle" right away, I then changed my mind (again, b/c i didn't realize there was an option right away).

And when I ask for water at a bar, i always throw it in after an order of alcohol as "oh, and can I also get a water when you get a chance". Three reasons for this: 1) it's lame to drink water at a bar and I don't want to be mocked for it by either the bartender or my friends 2) I don't want the bartender to think I'm cheap. They work on tips and some people don't tip on water and 3) I don't want to tip for the water, so I get it with the real drink so i can tip all on one event.

This is the way I always do it. This is the way I will continue to do it. And that's the way I did it on saturday (although tipping wasn't an issue w/ a sitdown meal)

1 comments »

Unacceptable Dates  

Posted

Heroes: 12/4/06 --> 1/22/07
and then 3/4/07 --> 4/23/07

House: 9/26/06 --> 10/31/06
and then 12/12/06 --> 1/9/07 --> 1/30/07
and then 2/13/07 --> 3/6/07 --> 3/27/07

Studio 60: 12/4/06 --> 1/22/07
and then 2/19/07 --> ???

Office: 2/22/07 --> 4/5/07


I assume that these long breaks are done so actors can film movies. If that's not the case, then that's completely unacceptable. By the time the show comes back, most people have lost interest.

0 comments »

Bottled water, Part II  

Posted

See, you can't even follow a written argument. In your version of the events, you don't even mention what the waitress said. I find that odd. She was the one who introduced the idea of bottle or tap. Where is that in your version?

I'm not just saying that I was misunderstood. I'm taking responsibility for the misunderstanding. I should have first made sure that when i said "bottle" that it was clearly referencing the beer. Furthermore, I shouldn't have switched my order from bottled beer to draft so haphazardly. That's the main reason for the confusion.

Correlation does not equal causation. your "proof" that I said bottled water was that you thought i said it before the water came and obviously the waitress thought it to. But maybe the cause is that I said something that could be misunderstood as that. You are somehow taking credit for thinking of bottled water before it actually came out.

get lost.

3 comments »

You KNEW this rant was coming, Tony [The 2 dollar water bottle incident]  

Posted

When I ordered my drinks last night, here are the statements that were made between me and the waitress:





1) Me: "I'd like a Dos Equis Lager" {mispronounced Lager}



2) Me: "Lager" {had to repeat the word Lager}



3) Me: "and a water"



4) Her: "Bottle or tap/draft?" {honestly can't remember if she said tap or draft}



5) Me: "Bottle"



6) Me: "wait, what do you have on tap?"



7) Her: {lists the beers on tap}



8) Me: "oh, I'll take a blue moon"





The order in which I wrote those statements is what I think happened. However, I'm fully willing to admit that #4 might have come as i was saying #2 because there was an awkward pause after i stumbled over the words the first time (i made a mental note of that because I was mentally practicing how to say dos equis before she came to the table). If #4 comes early, then #5 might have come right after #3 or maybe before #3. But I guarantee these were the only lines said.



Needless to say, I was very surprised when she brought me my beer, then the round of tap waters, and THEN a bottle of water for me. When I started to express my confusion, the knuckle draggers that I was with insisted that I had asked for a bottle of water. After a couple of seconds, I understood where the miscommunication came from, but they wouldn't listen b/c they had two infallible arguments:



1) They heard me ask for a bottle of water

3) There are three of them, and only one of me.



Now, few people understand the burden of being so superior to the people around you, but the pressure can be overwhelming. For the record, here's what obviously happened:



A) Because I said "Lager" twice, it could have sounded like "I'd like a dos equis Lager, Lager [which sounds like bottle] and a [slurred together to sound like "of"] water.



B) When I answered "bottle" to her beer question, it was so close to my water request, that people associated the words together. Bottle and water next to each other in speech must mean a bottled water. This is the most likely scenario because there would have been some overlap between the waitresses comments and my own. She didn't seem overly sharp, and was writing down our orders, so there may have been a delay in her awareness that dos equis comes in both bottles and draft. [This is even more probable when one realizes that she was Stumped when I asked her what's on tap. She started with an "uhhh" and then trailed offer after 3 beers were listed.]





Now, here's what's NOT likely.



C) I asked for a bottled water. Why is this not likely? Because Freudian slips, or just general mispoken words tend to result from something that's on the mind. I would never, ever order a bottled water. To be honest, I wouldn't even be confident that they existed at a place like this. Furthermore, when someone misspeaks, it's done out of mental laziness. The speech is such 2nd nature, that it's almost done by impulse. However, I was as aware of my speech at that moment as I have ever been. Again, i was preparing to say dos equis lager in my head in the minutes preceding the order AND i heard myself say it incorrectly when I ordered. I was fully and 100% aware of what i was saying, word for word. I have a VIVID memory of what I said.



There's not a doubt in my mind that I did not order a "bottled water". Now, i'm FULLY willing to admit that my order could be misunderstood. A "throw momma from the train, a kiss" type of situation. I harbor no ill will at the waitress for messing up this order. It was an honest, and most likely repeatable, mistake.



However, the knuckledraggers around me who insisted that I said bottled water are the real culprits here. It's so sad and pathetic that I can understand how their minds work better than they can themselves. No wonder this country is such a mess. People don't even have the capacity to understand why they think the way they do.



Now, I know they were just being stubborn towards the end to pile on. But if they really couldn't see why they connected "bottle" to "water", then ....... ok, there's no end to that sentence. then they suck, i guess.





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1 comments »

No, i will NOT sit back and enjoy Wild Hogs  

Posted



Something strange is going on
in America.
Somehow, it's become the social norm to look down on people who have refined
tastes. There used to be a time where people aspired to better
themselves, and took pride in being able to distinguish between the qualities
of things. Now, if someone has the opinion that something is not high in
quality, they are looked down upon for being elitist. The new
mantra for America
has become "like what i like, and if you don't, then you are just being a
contrarian." Actually, I would probably be mocked for using
the word contrarian, but you get the point.





There's no better example of "the race to the bottom" than
movies. Box office numbers have become the new gage of quality, and
as long as the masses pay money, then the movie must be good. Wild
Hogs is the #1 movie in america,
so it must be good, right? Wrong. I don't care if every
single moron walks out of that theater laughing, it means nothing to
me. Mass appeal will never be an accurate gage of quality.





The sad part is that if you try to explain why a movie like Wild Hogs isn't
funny, the sheep get defensive. They try to make a strawman out of you,
claiming that your standards are too high. "I'm sorry, your holiness,
that not all movies are Michael Moore Documentaries." These are the
same people who wrongly assume that people who have heard of OPS can't actually
watch or enjoy a baseball game..that it's all just a bunch of data points in
their excel spreadsheets.





Every genre of every artform has quality work. There is "good"
pop music, just as there is pretentious Indy music. For the record,
I can appreciate the idea of a low brow comedy. The caveat being
that it has to be done right. And it's pretty obvious that today's
standards to get a movie green lit is not quality. A studio head
does not sit back and say "is this movie good?" but rather "will
this movie make money?"





My standard for comedy is pretty simple (and two fold). 1) Did it
make me laugh? I assume that's a pretty universal standard that everyone
adheres to. And of course, it's very subjective. People
are going to disagree according to their own tastes, and that's entirely
ok. However, people fail to account for the 2nd prong of the
test: 2) could I, or my friends, have come up with the same joke in under
10 minutes.





When I saw the trailer for Wild Hogs, I had the entire movie in my
head. Eventually, I will read reviews to see how accurate I am, but
here's my best guess:





4 middle aged men are having a mid-life crisis. They feel stuck in
a rut. They have stereotypical, nagging wives and kids who don't
appreciate them. One of them (my guess, the Travolta character, b/c
he's the only one who looks like he could pass for "cool") decides
they all need to have an adventure. Tim Allen is the
"normal" guy, Joe Everyman. He's the one that the (is
there a word for male soccer moms? there should be) soccer-dads will
relate to, and the soccer-moms will associate with their husbands.
The Fargo guy (it's a shame I don't
know his real name, b/c i think he's a GREAT actor) will be the overly
whiney/scared character. A combination of Millhouse and Chucky (from Rug
Rats). Every time there's a mini adventure on the trip, he's going
to be the "voice of reason" and the one most scared about
it. Of course, towards the end of the movie, he'll step up and be
the bravest in the most dire of situations.





And Martin Lawrence will play the black friend.








Now that the players are out of the way, here's what's going to qualify as
laughs: 1) the guys, while trying to be cool, will be very
uncool. They'll buy biker clothes that aren't quite
right. It will look like they are trying too hard. I imagine
they'll shop together, and you'll get a few cut scenes of them coming out of
the dressing room with more and more ridiculous outfits.


2) They won't know how to operate their motorcycles. At first they'll be
driving off the road, not being able to steer and hitting semi movable objects
(trees? bushes?)


3) someone will slip in mud or feces. This will actually be a running
gag, as the guys get dirtier as the trip continues. By the end,
they will all look completely disheveled.


4) There will be a hot girl that will be one of the biker's love
interest. He'll do increasingly embarrassing things to win her
attention, and even though it would fail in real life, in the end, she finds
him quirky and charming.


5) The 4 guys will have a run-in with a real biker gang. It will start as
a misunderstanding, but will escalate until the guys have to fight
back. This is probably where the Fargo
guy steps up.


6) There will be a camp scene where they have trouble setting up the tent and
starting the fire. They will have to eat "wacky" food.
Perhaps a unique bowel movement will take place at the makeshift campsite.


7) The long arm of the law will be involved. Probably an incompetent cop
will follow them throughout the trip.





See, it took me about 10 minutes to write that. Thus, if I'm going
to enjoy this movie, it has to be something above and beyond that.
And I know if I had a little roundtable discussion with a handful of my
friends, we could make a much much better Wild Hogs in 10 minutes.
There's nothing more enraging then when a fan reviewer says "just sit back
and enjoy it. it's a comedy!" I sit back and enjoy comedy all
the time. Namely, when I'm hanging out with my friends.
If they can be funnier 1) on the fly, 2) all the time 3) without spending 80
million to produce their comedy and 4) not charge me 10 bucks, then why on
earth would I go see a movie? A show like family guy (back in its prime)
was as "low brow" as they could come. But it was done in a
original way. I could tell that the writers were not only funny, but that
the final product was the result of constant refining. I could see
how they started with an original draft that was funny, but that they kept
tweaking it to make it as funny as it could be. With Wild Hogs, all I can
see is some guy in a suit having a meeting with another guy in a suit and
daying "hey, how about 4 guys go on a road trip with motorcycles" and
the 2nd suit saying "great, run with it!"





Ok, now i'm looking at the reviews, and while it seems I was pretty accurate in
my prediction about the movie. One thing I missed was that their #1
joke is that these guys are not gay, but are put in gay situations. Oh
man, the hilarity!!!





NY
Times Article nails it








How about instead of going to see this movie, you just write the movie inside
your own head. Are people so dumb that they can't picture the jokes
without seeing it in the movie? Where's the
originality? How is this the #1 movie in america,
but Arrested Development was cancelled? AD had jokes that made me
go "man, even if i was given the topic, it would have taken me years to
craft that joke so perfectly".


According to Rotten
tomatos (18%) and Metacritics
(27) this movie is getting destroyed by the critics. Of course, there's
still no defense to "Fred J." who commented (in part)



The critics are showing their true colors by bashing this
film. The audience is already turning on them for their incompetent analysis of
the film. You have to wonder if these critics even bothered to watch the film.
... It's a comedy. Sit back, relax and take that stick out of your butt and
laugh a little. ...why are critics trying so hard to keep people away from an
unbelievably funny movie? Wonder if it touched a nerve with them, or wonder if
they just don't like one of the stars of the movie? Something is going on or
maybe the critics have lost their minds.






Yes, Fred, it's a nation wide conspiracy to keep down Wild Hogs. A movie
this powerful HAS to be stopped by the elite.





I can't even go on anymore. just rereading the "sit back,
relax" line is killing me.





Don't think, america,
it's not good for you. Hollywood will tell us what's funny, and
we'll agree.











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0 comments »

Most disturbing aspect of the drawing  

Posted


Drawing pictures all over your hand and arm, while in rehab, is just normal-crazy. What makes these particular drawings so disturbing, heck downright "call your neighbors" crazy, is that the flower is drawn upside down. Hold out your left hand as though you planned on drawing on it with your right. Clearly, the logical decision would be to have the flower start near your thumb and then grow towards your index finger. What kind of mind would draw a flower upside down. Or maybe it's worse than that....Maybe she held her left hand upside down while she drew on it.


Yikes.

0 comments »

Oscars  

Posted

am i the only one who watches the oscars JUST for the awkward moments? sooo cringe worthy.

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0 comments »

I wish I had fake read this article  

Posted

I really wish i had "faked" reading this article, b/c it was a complete waste of time

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/24/books/24read.html?em

A guy wrote a book on how to pretend like you read a book when you have not. Care to know his "secrets"? If you meet the author, tell him you loved the book w/o getting into specifics. If you are talking to someone who read the book, try to change the subject, or talk about yourself under the guise of how your life relates to the book.

The brilliance of these ideas is that nobody has ever thought of them before. It makes sense though, doesn't it? I mean, i wish i could have come up with something as original as "change the subject".

Moron.

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0 comments »

the dawn of a new era  

Posted

I realize this is pathetic, but at 27, I felt like the internet was passing me by. Well, it's now 4 am on a friday night (saturday morning), but i've now mastered RSS feeds. baby steps. also, this blog entry is actually being posted from inside my browser, while i'm on a different website. assuming this works, I'm now going to be able to blog instantly, which means TWO posts a month, instead of the normal one. Woo hoo.





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0 comments »

Prison Pretty  

Posted


Was awesome. Also, i'm testing my ability to post a picture.

0 comments »

a letter to Jet Blue  

Posted

The CEO [I might have the wrong title] of Jet Blue was on Letterman last night. Although he seemed sincere about his concerns for your customers, it was hard to pay attention. You see, I have a high definition TV, and i was mesmerized by how long the CEO's finger nails were. In high def, the nails really popped, and it made me physically ill. No offense, but it was really hard to watch.


Please correct this problem so I don't have to endure that in the future. Thank you.

0 comments »

Meta  

Posted

A month ago, I had never seen this word used. Now, it seems to be the trendiest adj. out there. I don't like when new words develop.

0 comments »

Is Tim Hardaway actually afraid of rape?  

Posted

I don't fully understand what a homophobe is afraid of. I can almost wrap my head around those Christians who don't understand Christianity and "hate" gay people for being gay. But I don't get the non religious element of homophobia that straight men feel. Obviously, that sometimes (often?) stems from their own latent homosexual feelings, but if you asked Tim Hardaway why he was "worried" about having gay people on his team, what would his answer be? I would love to cross examine him. He can't JUST be upset by the idea of a gay man finding him attractive. He must know that by being on tv, there has to be some amount of gay people that watch and admire him. What is the gay guy in the lockeroom going to do that the gay guy watching on TV isn't? Is he actually afraid of being raped?

Will someone please ask Tim this. I need to know. I can understand Artie's homophobia. He is bothered when he has to witness homosexual acts, but he knows that he's wrong for that, and he harbors no ill will towards gay people (unless you get him drunk, then the real homophobe comes out). But I need more info on Tim. What is he actually afraid of? It doesn't make sense!

0 comments »

Big Momma making cereal for a kid  

Posted

I can't put my finger on it, but something didn't ring true in the scene where Big Momma made cereal for the kid he/she was watching in Big Momma's House II. For those of you who didn't see it, she poured milk into the big box and gave the girl a wooden spoon to scoop it out with.

Any thoughts?

1 comments »

In 5 years, I will be a complete shut in.  

Posted

On Friday at 3:30 PM, I left my house for the first time this week. I couldn't put off grocery shopping any longer (there's only so many times you can make a meal out of canned stringed beans), but I really wasn't looking forward to interacting with society. The fact that this event resulted in a blog entry pretty much confirms that the experience was even worse than I imagined.

First, I was kicking myself for not being ready by 3 PM. I've found that being at Pathmark by 3 pm ensures the least amount of human interaction and the shortest of lines. These are both good things. 3:30 is a crapshoot. Anyway, my first goal of buying salad left me confused and disoriented. None of the salads had the magic yellow sticker next to them, signifying that they are on sale. How am I supposed to know what to buy without that yellow sticker! After standing in the salad aisle for longer than what is socially acceptable, I grabbed a couple of the cheapest bags I could find, and moved on.

The next target is coldcuts. It's probably been a month since I've been here (when I was working, I didn't have the time to eat at home), and I was startled by the amount of advertising for a certain brand of coldcut (something with a T and W). Now, I again "choose" my coldcuts by what's on sale (conveniently labeled on the overhead sign above the counter). However, there were two turkeys on sale, and one of them was from this T and W company. Part of me wanted to avoid this company just out of principle. The other part of me was falling into the Grapes of Wrath trap of "well, california MUST be awesome b/c why else would they waste all that money advertising about jobs?". I didn't know what to do, and I was quickly running out of time.

To add insult to injury, both of the people ahead of me were being taken care of at the same time, and one of deli workers was coughing occasionally. She seemed to put a moderately decent effort into coughing into her elbow/sleeve, but it was still skeeving me out. I was silently rooting for customer B to finish first, but much to my dismay, A finished first. Now, I'm in full panic mode. As I order the Turkey (the non T and W, mind you), I need to step outside of myself to calm down. I have an internal debate arguing that all food purchased is disgusting and contaminated, and I just happened to visually see it this time. It's naive of me to think the meat was "clean" before this lady started her hacking fit, so I should just accept it and move on. Surprisingly, the thought of all food being disgusting did not calm my nerves.

When the woman couldn't find the turkey i requested, she began to walk away. I told her that any turkey from that company would be fine (seriously, is there a difference between honey, skinless, or browned?), but she insisted on finding a new one. While this was going on, customer B finished, and now worker B was just standing there. With no other customers around, I was faced with a decision.... Should I ask her to slice my ham? On the plus side, the ham wouldn't have phelmn on it. But, more importantly, I felt like it was inconsiderate to occupy both workers at the same time. In the end, I decided not to ask her.

Of course, fate would have it that the decision was not mine. "excuse me, can I get you some cheese?" What kind of question is that? Did she have a block of cheese open and was offering to slice it for me before she closed it? Or was she under the assumption that I was done buying meats and that all I needed was cheese? Completely caught in the headlights, I muttered "oh, no thank you, all I need is 1/2 a pound of that ham that is on sale". I was pretty pleased with myself for such a non committal answer. I wasn't asking her to slice that ham. I was just making an observation that I need ham sliced. If she wanted to volunteer to be the one to step up, so be it.

Here was what I was hoping for: Woman B would slice and complete the ham before woman A came back with this elusive "browned turkey". Critical to this timeline would be that no other customers come up to the counter.

Here's what actually happened: just as woman B grabbed the ham, woman A came back with brand new turkey (that was still sealed in plastic). 5 seconds later, cue two new customers walking to the counter.

Customer 1: "excuse me, miss. excuse me....."

Customer 2: "oh, I think they are both working on that gentleman's order"

me: [knees buckle]

Workers A and B, literally at the exact same time: "is this slice thin enough?"

[sidenote: for about two years I have told the women that I don't care about the thickness of the slice and that they don't have to bother showing me the thickness nor offering me a complimentary slice to taste. They never ever get it. I've been force fed slices before. I've given up trying to make their lives easier, and now just accept the fact that I will have to confirm each individual thickness].

Things got extra confusing when woman A incorrectly confirmed that I wanted 1/2 a pound of turkey. I think I momentarily blacked out, but I do remember this scene ending with me having to point at each woman to signify which one I was actually talking to. [points left]: "yes, that thickness is fine, but no, i want a pound of turkey" [points right]: "ok, now yes, that thickness is also fine, but I just need half a pound of ham."

Oh, and did i mention that I have a headphone in my right ear? I'm not going to get into the details of my layering of clothes, but it was physically impossible to reach my ipod, so I did the best thing I could and take one of the ears out when I walked up to the counter. I need to keep the 2nd ear in though b/c otherwise both headphones would just dangle. Trust me, I've struggled to develop the least offensive means of dealing with this issue, and this is all I could come up with.

So now, the other two customers see me pointing at the workers and barking out orders. Feeling completely awkward, I turn on the comedic self defense mechanism and start joking with them about my mistake. The customers seem to understand (at least somewhat), but I'm then saved by worker B as she throws in a joke about how there wasn't anyone here before and that's why they were both helping me. I grab the finished coldcuts, thank them, and put my head down in shame. I'm halfway through my adventure, and I assume the worst is over.

I go to purchase milk, but realize that my little carrying crate is "full". Not full in the full sense, but b/c some of the salads i bought were in plastic boxes, while others were in bags, there is no place for the milk. I'm about to put the crate on the floor to repack, but the floor is all wet (dirty-wet). So I have to repack while keeping the crate on the side of my hip. And by repack, i'm talking about just tossing stuff around in a mad dash to squeeze the milk in. It "works" to a certain extent, but now the crate is a mess.

Walking by the yogurt, i'm both happy and dismayed to see that they are half off. With crate in the condition that it's in, the only place for the yogurt is on top of the rest of the food. Yeah, gingerly placing ROUND yogurts on top of the crate won't create problems later on.

Now, I gotta get the heck out of there. I grab the first loaf of bread that's on sale (thank you yellow sticker!) and I make my way to the check out. The line is shockingly long, but I figure it's just a result of the 3:30 start. Both headphones are on, and I'm just going to mentally rest while I'm in this line.

[tap on my shoulder]

old guy: "you should go over there to the express line, it would be faster."

The "express" line in this pathmark is the scan and bag your own. I've seen it done, and it doesn't look easy. When you scan something, you have to put it in the bag to weigh it (so they know you are properly scanning). I have about two to three bags worth of food, so I wouldn't know what to do. But, this old guy is clearly the type to think he knows everything, so i thank him for the advice and start walking. Now, as i'm walking towards the express line, I see that it is actually very long, but the "regular" lines are just medium long. So I jump in one of them.

As though there was a big tattoo on my face that says "doesn't know how to shop" a guy (who was with his young daughter) sees me in line and says "you should go to the express line, it would be faster" (!!!!). At this point, I'm not moving so I tell him "oh, it's ok, I think i have too many items". him: "no seriously, you should go, don't waste your time in this line." Once again, I'm forced to use self deprecation to get me out of this tight situation, so I joke about how I'm not smart enough to use one of those things. He's about to try for a third time, but gives up before hand.

After about a minute in line, they open up a register two away from us. I don't feel like it's "fair" that people in the back of the line always get the benefit of a new line, so I let the guy and his daughter make a dash for it, while I stand in place. Unfortunately (for him), the daughter was screwing around with the cart, and they failed to get a good spot in that line. I feel awkward for him as he's now trying to "merge" into that line while the end of it tails off in the other direction.

I was going to offer to him that he get back in front of me, but I felt like that would be showing him up. The Pupil becomes the Master, so to speak. So i just stand there. Now, things really get hairy as the aisle between us has a woman setting up. Before she announces it out loud, she tells me to get in line, as it's opening up. Thinking that her mind would explode if i declined the offer, I reluctantly start dumping my stuff on the conveyor belt. I pray that the guy doesn't decide to backtrack back into this line, but of course he does. Now, as I'm unpacking (remember, in a normal situation you get to put stuff on the conveyor belt BEFORE it's your tun up in the hotseat) he pulls up behind me and starts unpacking too (at a much faster pace than me). I offer for him to go ahead of me, but he declines. I'm so flustered by the encounter that I hand the worker my credit card instead of slashing it myself. "whoops, my mistake.....it's been awhile since i've been here." Yeah, and it's going to be a long long time before I ever come back.

I sign the receipt and collect my bags (note: I always have issues with trying to figure out how many times I have to spin that bagged wheel to get all of my bags. i can never tell). As i'm walking towards the exit, I'm a beaten man, but still alive. Nothing else could go wrong... Until my phone rings.

2 bags in each hand, headphones on each ear, but I have to get this phone for two reasons: 1) I'm embarrassed by the "arrested development" ringtone (ringtones always seem like a good idea in theory, but not in practice) and 2) it could be a job. Hmm, the punchline of AD should be #2, but it's too late to go back and change that order. So, i step outside, fumble for my phone and shout at my cousin "yeah, i can't hear you, i have my headphones on and I'm walking out of pathmark. I'll call you in 5 minutes." I then hang up on him.

I get to the front of my house, and almost chuckle at the plight of my life. Then I see the woman across the street trying in vain to carry two kids and a stroller up the stairs. Since I don't want to startle her by just walking up to her, I shout from across the street "do you need some help". She looks at me, but doesn't answer. Now I'm really in trouble. Did I not hear her answer? What if she said yes and I don't go over? what if she said no and I do? I debate just running away, but decide to walk over there. I'm trying desperately to make eye contact with her, but she's not looking. Her kids have a confused look and are staring at me though. Great, just great. As I go to grab the stroller, i make a over the top gesture with my arms hoping she'd catch it in the corner of her eyes. Of course, I guessed wrong, as she's completely startled by seeing me. I again ask her if she needs help, and she shakes her finger at me and smiles "no". I give a "oh ok, I thought you needed help" and then slink away back to my apartment.

How could so many things go wrong in a simple trip to the grocery store? I'm never leaving this apartment again.

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Articulate WHY.  

Posted

When they do something stupid, ask them to explain why they are doing it. Case in point: Howard was upset with Gary because Gary has a program on his son's computer that allows him access to all of his IM's, emails, and website history. Howard pressed Gary to explain why he chose not to at least tell his son that the program existed. Like a true moron, Gary could not articulate WHY he made that decision. After awhile, Gary got overly defensive about it.

It's pretty obvious to me that if you can't articulate why you are doing something (or believe something), then it's a poor decision. I've never ever had a problem explaining WHY. If you can give me a "why", then at least it's a rational decision. I may disagree with it, but I'll probably respect it.

If you give me a "I don't know. just because!" then you are officially retarded.

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Definition of Cold  

Posted

When the sweatshirt over the shirt over the tshirt still didn't cover it, I had to put on the space heater AND get into bed under the covers. Too cold to actually turn around and watch tv, i had to keep my arms under my chest and lay on my stomach. When 9 pm rolled around, I was STILL too cold to watch house. Too cold to get out of bed, I decided to just sleep with the lights on. wake up at 5 am, with the heater having run ALL night, and I'm still pretty cold. This can't be healthy.

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Three's Company on the Sunset Strip [Studio 60 jumps the shark]  

Posted

Well, I send out emails to people trying to convince them to watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I trumpet it as a wity drama that discusses politics, religion, corporations, etc in an intelligent manner. Then it goes on hiatus. Then it comes back reaking of mediocrity.

Guy asks girl out. Girl says yes. Guy's boss then says he has to go on a fake date with another girl in order to [oh heck, it doesn't matter WHY he has to do this. all you need to know is that his boss ordered him to go on a fake date].

Does the Guy A) tell the girl the truth and reschedule the date? or B) lie about why he has to back out of the date and cross his fingers that she's not going to find out?

How does this compelling saga end? Well, if you guessed that the girl would be at the function and wind up seeing guy on this "date", you must have watched Three's Company, the forefather of storylines based entirely on a stupid misunderstanding.

Oh, and the other couple we are supposed to care about got locked on a roof and couldn't get cell phone reception.

Good bye studio 60. I won't care when you get cancelled now.

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