Sunday had it all. The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, and the creamy middles. In no particular order (other than chronological):



At my suggestion, my cousin and I attempted to take out my grandmother for her birthday. Somewhere along the numerous coordinating phone calls, I got squeezed out of the plans. My grandmother suggested that they go without me!



Anyway, after many permutations, the final plans became a bbq at my cousin's house, which turned out to be a blast. Grilling simply is the greatest form of cooking. Everything tastes better outdoors. [this would be the dizzying high]



I came home pretty tired, moderately sweaty, and totally in the mood for some video games. It takes a lot to draw my attention away from Star Wars Battlefront II, but on a whim, I decided to get out of my comfortable recliner to see who IM'd me. [this is the creamy middle]



Color me shocked that the grey ghost, who can ignore an email like it has the plague, was actually proactively suggesting to hang out. So, i shut off the game in mid battle, and get ready to go out. A couple of shots and a quick game of wii tennis later, and we're off. And that's where things started to go downhill. [and now, the terrifying low]



As per the norm (when I'm in charge of directions), we had a bit of trouble actually getting to the bar. After a big loop around the downtown area (stupid "no turns" and "one ways"), we finally get to the bar.....which was closed. Plan B was the bar two doors down...which was also closed. Do people not drink on sundays? Religious zealots strike again.

Option three was that irish bar McDougals that I know I've walked to from school. However, it must have been in a parallel universe, b/c it was impossible to find, much less drive to, from where we were. After a couple of loops around (look kids, big ben), we gave up and decided to go to the market street bar (Plan D, for those keeping count).

Walking in Penn Station, Plan E started looking better than D. Plan E was that shady bar INSIDE penn station. You know the one...we've all looked in it walking by just to see what type of clientele frequents it. Lonely guys waiting for a train? Degenerates? Both?

Well, the guy I was with had a much different opinion of the bar. "It looks like a real party bar". What? Huh? That's one step away from calling it "The Place To Be" (tm Seinfeld). So what the heck, we give it a try.

A completely empty bar except for two guys in the back awaited us. But, they had a nice tv with the Yankee game on. After we got a run down of what's on tap (a nice selection btw), we order two. As our beers are handed to us, we're told "that will be 12 dollars". This bar, you see, was actually in the Newark section of Midtown NYC., apparently. In shock, I shakingly hand her my credit card and ask if we can start a tab. "sure, but it's a 20 dollar minimum."

Everything begins to slow down for me. I'm still reeling from paying 6 dollars for a beer, but also focused on the future rage that will ensue when i'm FORCED to order a second round.

When you are in a bar like McSorley's, and you realize there is no music on, it's a beautiful thing. When you are in an empty bar in the middle of a train station, and hanging your head in shame, music would be a welcomed addition. Of course, one should be careful of what one wishes for....when someone finally started playing music, it was that depressing country music that makes you want to shoot yourself.

And it was very loud.

Luckily, the person we were waiting for came early, so we asked for a check before I got my second beer. Even though we had spent 18 bucks (on three beers!), a comment was still made about the minimum for a tab. I honestly don't know the point of the minimum, or whether or not it was being waived, or anything, so I figured a 4 dollar tip would cover all the angles. If i was being forced to get up to 20, then it's still a 2 dollar tip. If not, then I obviously overtipped, but at least I was getting out of that bar w/o being sodomized or anything.

Completely annoyed by the evening, i realized on my way home that 1) i was hungry and 2) all of my options for takeout were most likely closed. So i reached deep into the back of my cabinet, where those shady boxes of meals reside. The "in case of emergency, add water and microwave" type of deals. With my expectations at an all time low, i was pleasantly surprised by how "slightly above mediocre" it was starting to smell.

I put my tray in front of the greatest chair of all time, and placed the dish on the tray. Two seconds after turning around, i heard a horrible crash and was hit with flying glass and rice. On my chair lay my entire dinner, seeping through the fabric and instantly leaving an unremovable stain.

There was a moment of pause, where the entire next hour was able to flash through my head. This is a deep secret that I haven't shared with many people, but I'm very lazy. On top of that, I really hate doing work that didn't need to be done 10 seconds ago. The idea of having to pick up shreds of glass and trying to minimize the damage to the chair was overwhelming. And all that time, a great wind carried over me, and I thought "six dollars a beer!".

AJ's scenes that night when I watched Sopranos were very identifiable.

That's how a coworker described the people at Subway (the sandwich store). Last year, I was mocked for praising the virtues of Subway. It's rare that I'm wrong, but I was definitely on the wrong side of that debate.

Let me describe the differences between the two different types of Subways that I have experienced in the past year.

The people who worked at the downtown (NYC) location remembered me by the 2nd day, and knew what kind of sub i liked by the third. When they put on the cucumbers, they were lined up on an angle, laying on each other. Thus, each and every single bite had at least one layer of cucumber, and possibly 2 (where one cucumber slice ended, the other was already beginning). Picture the cucumber equivalent of a DJ overlapping one song over another at a club. That's how vital it was to my eating experience.

and when i said "everything but onions", they actually put, you know, EVERYTHING on except onions. Bless their hearts, they'd confirm that i wanted all three types of peppers, but they didn't judge me for it. And after awhile, they even started to buy into my definition of "extra" vinegar. [extra vinegar - noun - "an amount of vinegar that would be the equivalent of drowning a sandwich in vinegar, and then adding more vinegar"]

Basically, after a "big salad" from Monk's was stuffed into two pieces of bread, the sandwich became more than satisfying. And, the guy always rounded the price of the sandwich to somethign that only required one or two coins (i can't remember the exact price, but it was "easy").

Now, Newark's version of Subway is a little different. First, even though nobody else ever came to the store at 2 pm, every time I walked in was the first time. They wouldn't be able to pick me out of a lineup if the only other suspects were Fred Flinstone and the Penguin from Batman Returns. The one silver lining to not being remembered is that the same tricks can work over and over again. And the usually one failsafe move that I have is to order the fixin's one at at time. In other words, when she would ask what i wanted, I would say "lettuce and tomatos". this way, she'd put the tomatos on as though it was going to be the only thing going on this sandwich. then, after she put those on, i'd say "you know what, I'll have cucumbers too". see, if she goes into a sandwich knowing there will be a ton of toppings, she can feel comfortable skimping on each individual topping. But, if you go one topping at a time, she has to over apply the toppings, and then won't be able to backtrack.

Of course, even with this manipulative maneuver, the sandwich still came out "puny". I'd be lucky to get 5 slices of cucumber on a 12 inch sub. You could fit two fingers between slices easily. And i'm convinced they somehow make their bread more airy to cut down on actual product. It feels like it deflates the second you bite into it.


This is all a long, roundabout way of complaining that Subway is a rip off. Now, you may be asking why i continued to go there. Well, as hard as this may be to believe, there was actually a deli that was WORSE than subway. This place robbed you, and then laughed in your face about it.

Their idea of a menu is randomly scattered pieces of paper on all four walls. So you basically have to order and hope for the best in terms of price. A footlong turkey sub ran a little over 7 dollars, but it was a healthy size, so i wasn't that upset. Then, one day, after I order the sub, the girl goes "oh, i'll throw in fries, coleslaw, and a pickle". I thought that was super nice of her, and while I waited, i noticed a sign that said that the tuna melt came with such things. Since it was the only sub i could find, I was beginning to think that all sandwiches came with those sides. I was moderately steamed that the other order-takers had not alerted me to this fact the other days I had ordered. Of course, I couldn't be more wrong.

When I went up to pay, i was flabbergasted that my bill came to almost 11 bucks. I started frantically doing the math in my head. 4 bucks for fries, coleslaw and a pickle? was scam. Then it got worse. The fries were flat out soggy, the coleslaw was served in a plastic shot glass, and the pickle was a circular slice! as in, one of the two pickles that would be put on a burger. the size of a silver dollar!! i couldn't even fit my fork in the coleslaw container so i didn't bother. I've been scammed a lot of times by food establishments cough*mexicali rose* cough*, but this may take the cake. Paid 4 bucks for something I didn't order, and it was pathetic at that.

I have this awesome plug in for firefox that lets me instantly blog with a touch of a button. The only problem is that it keeps adding %;% garbage to the end of sentences. It's really driving me crazy, b/c now i have to open up internet explorer and change my gmail account (I usually have IE set to my work gmail) and THEN open up the edit-blog page.

Not pleased.

Heroes: 12/4/06 --> 1/22/07
and then 3/4/07 --> 4/23/07

House: 9/26/06 --> 10/31/06
and then 12/12/06 --> 1/9/07 --> 1/30/07
and then 2/13/07 --> 3/6/07 --> 3/27/07

Studio 60: 12/4/06 --> 1/22/07
and then 2/19/07 --> ???

Office: 2/22/07 --> 4/5/07


I assume that these long breaks are done so actors can film movies. If that's not the case, then that's completely unacceptable. By the time the show comes back, most people have lost interest.

See, you can't even follow a written argument. In your version of the events, you don't even mention what the waitress said. I find that odd. She was the one who introduced the idea of bottle or tap. Where is that in your version?

I'm not just saying that I was misunderstood. I'm taking responsibility for the misunderstanding. I should have first made sure that when i said "bottle" that it was clearly referencing the beer. Furthermore, I shouldn't have switched my order from bottled beer to draft so haphazardly. That's the main reason for the confusion.

Correlation does not equal causation. your "proof" that I said bottled water was that you thought i said it before the water came and obviously the waitress thought it to. But maybe the cause is that I said something that could be misunderstood as that. You are somehow taking credit for thinking of bottled water before it actually came out.

get lost.

The CEO [I might have the wrong title] of Jet Blue was on Letterman last night. Although he seemed sincere about his concerns for your customers, it was hard to pay attention. You see, I have a high definition TV, and i was mesmerized by how long the CEO's finger nails were. In high def, the nails really popped, and it made me physically ill. No offense, but it was really hard to watch.


Please correct this problem so I don't have to endure that in the future. Thank you.

A month ago, I had never seen this word used. Now, it seems to be the trendiest adj. out there. I don't like when new words develop.

I don't fully understand what a homophobe is afraid of. I can almost wrap my head around those Christians who don't understand Christianity and "hate" gay people for being gay. But I don't get the non religious element of homophobia that straight men feel. Obviously, that sometimes (often?) stems from their own latent homosexual feelings, but if you asked Tim Hardaway why he was "worried" about having gay people on his team, what would his answer be? I would love to cross examine him. He can't JUST be upset by the idea of a gay man finding him attractive. He must know that by being on tv, there has to be some amount of gay people that watch and admire him. What is the gay guy in the lockeroom going to do that the gay guy watching on TV isn't? Is he actually afraid of being raped?

Will someone please ask Tim this. I need to know. I can understand Artie's homophobia. He is bothered when he has to witness homosexual acts, but he knows that he's wrong for that, and he harbors no ill will towards gay people (unless you get him drunk, then the real homophobe comes out). But I need more info on Tim. What is he actually afraid of? It doesn't make sense!

I can't put my finger on it, but something didn't ring true in the scene where Big Momma made cereal for the kid he/she was watching in Big Momma's House II. For those of you who didn't see it, she poured milk into the big box and gave the girl a wooden spoon to scoop it out with.

Any thoughts?

On Friday at 3:30 PM, I left my house for the first time this week. I couldn't put off grocery shopping any longer (there's only so many times you can make a meal out of canned stringed beans), but I really wasn't looking forward to interacting with society. The fact that this event resulted in a blog entry pretty much confirms that the experience was even worse than I imagined.

First, I was kicking myself for not being ready by 3 PM. I've found that being at Pathmark by 3 pm ensures the least amount of human interaction and the shortest of lines. These are both good things. 3:30 is a crapshoot. Anyway, my first goal of buying salad left me confused and disoriented. None of the salads had the magic yellow sticker next to them, signifying that they are on sale. How am I supposed to know what to buy without that yellow sticker! After standing in the salad aisle for longer than what is socially acceptable, I grabbed a couple of the cheapest bags I could find, and moved on.

The next target is coldcuts. It's probably been a month since I've been here (when I was working, I didn't have the time to eat at home), and I was startled by the amount of advertising for a certain brand of coldcut (something with a T and W). Now, I again "choose" my coldcuts by what's on sale (conveniently labeled on the overhead sign above the counter). However, there were two turkeys on sale, and one of them was from this T and W company. Part of me wanted to avoid this company just out of principle. The other part of me was falling into the Grapes of Wrath trap of "well, california MUST be awesome b/c why else would they waste all that money advertising about jobs?". I didn't know what to do, and I was quickly running out of time.

To add insult to injury, both of the people ahead of me were being taken care of at the same time, and one of deli workers was coughing occasionally. She seemed to put a moderately decent effort into coughing into her elbow/sleeve, but it was still skeeving me out. I was silently rooting for customer B to finish first, but much to my dismay, A finished first. Now, I'm in full panic mode. As I order the Turkey (the non T and W, mind you), I need to step outside of myself to calm down. I have an internal debate arguing that all food purchased is disgusting and contaminated, and I just happened to visually see it this time. It's naive of me to think the meat was "clean" before this lady started her hacking fit, so I should just accept it and move on. Surprisingly, the thought of all food being disgusting did not calm my nerves.

When the woman couldn't find the turkey i requested, she began to walk away. I told her that any turkey from that company would be fine (seriously, is there a difference between honey, skinless, or browned?), but she insisted on finding a new one. While this was going on, customer B finished, and now worker B was just standing there. With no other customers around, I was faced with a decision.... Should I ask her to slice my ham? On the plus side, the ham wouldn't have phelmn on it. But, more importantly, I felt like it was inconsiderate to occupy both workers at the same time. In the end, I decided not to ask her.

Of course, fate would have it that the decision was not mine. "excuse me, can I get you some cheese?" What kind of question is that? Did she have a block of cheese open and was offering to slice it for me before she closed it? Or was she under the assumption that I was done buying meats and that all I needed was cheese? Completely caught in the headlights, I muttered "oh, no thank you, all I need is 1/2 a pound of that ham that is on sale". I was pretty pleased with myself for such a non committal answer. I wasn't asking her to slice that ham. I was just making an observation that I need ham sliced. If she wanted to volunteer to be the one to step up, so be it.

Here was what I was hoping for: Woman B would slice and complete the ham before woman A came back with this elusive "browned turkey". Critical to this timeline would be that no other customers come up to the counter.

Here's what actually happened: just as woman B grabbed the ham, woman A came back with brand new turkey (that was still sealed in plastic). 5 seconds later, cue two new customers walking to the counter.

Customer 1: "excuse me, miss. excuse me....."

Customer 2: "oh, I think they are both working on that gentleman's order"

me: [knees buckle]

Workers A and B, literally at the exact same time: "is this slice thin enough?"

[sidenote: for about two years I have told the women that I don't care about the thickness of the slice and that they don't have to bother showing me the thickness nor offering me a complimentary slice to taste. They never ever get it. I've been force fed slices before. I've given up trying to make their lives easier, and now just accept the fact that I will have to confirm each individual thickness].

Things got extra confusing when woman A incorrectly confirmed that I wanted 1/2 a pound of turkey. I think I momentarily blacked out, but I do remember this scene ending with me having to point at each woman to signify which one I was actually talking to. [points left]: "yes, that thickness is fine, but no, i want a pound of turkey" [points right]: "ok, now yes, that thickness is also fine, but I just need half a pound of ham."

Oh, and did i mention that I have a headphone in my right ear? I'm not going to get into the details of my layering of clothes, but it was physically impossible to reach my ipod, so I did the best thing I could and take one of the ears out when I walked up to the counter. I need to keep the 2nd ear in though b/c otherwise both headphones would just dangle. Trust me, I've struggled to develop the least offensive means of dealing with this issue, and this is all I could come up with.

So now, the other two customers see me pointing at the workers and barking out orders. Feeling completely awkward, I turn on the comedic self defense mechanism and start joking with them about my mistake. The customers seem to understand (at least somewhat), but I'm then saved by worker B as she throws in a joke about how there wasn't anyone here before and that's why they were both helping me. I grab the finished coldcuts, thank them, and put my head down in shame. I'm halfway through my adventure, and I assume the worst is over.

I go to purchase milk, but realize that my little carrying crate is "full". Not full in the full sense, but b/c some of the salads i bought were in plastic boxes, while others were in bags, there is no place for the milk. I'm about to put the crate on the floor to repack, but the floor is all wet (dirty-wet). So I have to repack while keeping the crate on the side of my hip. And by repack, i'm talking about just tossing stuff around in a mad dash to squeeze the milk in. It "works" to a certain extent, but now the crate is a mess.

Walking by the yogurt, i'm both happy and dismayed to see that they are half off. With crate in the condition that it's in, the only place for the yogurt is on top of the rest of the food. Yeah, gingerly placing ROUND yogurts on top of the crate won't create problems later on.

Now, I gotta get the heck out of there. I grab the first loaf of bread that's on sale (thank you yellow sticker!) and I make my way to the check out. The line is shockingly long, but I figure it's just a result of the 3:30 start. Both headphones are on, and I'm just going to mentally rest while I'm in this line.

[tap on my shoulder]

old guy: "you should go over there to the express line, it would be faster."

The "express" line in this pathmark is the scan and bag your own. I've seen it done, and it doesn't look easy. When you scan something, you have to put it in the bag to weigh it (so they know you are properly scanning). I have about two to three bags worth of food, so I wouldn't know what to do. But, this old guy is clearly the type to think he knows everything, so i thank him for the advice and start walking. Now, as i'm walking towards the express line, I see that it is actually very long, but the "regular" lines are just medium long. So I jump in one of them.

As though there was a big tattoo on my face that says "doesn't know how to shop" a guy (who was with his young daughter) sees me in line and says "you should go to the express line, it would be faster" (!!!!). At this point, I'm not moving so I tell him "oh, it's ok, I think i have too many items". him: "no seriously, you should go, don't waste your time in this line." Once again, I'm forced to use self deprecation to get me out of this tight situation, so I joke about how I'm not smart enough to use one of those things. He's about to try for a third time, but gives up before hand.

After about a minute in line, they open up a register two away from us. I don't feel like it's "fair" that people in the back of the line always get the benefit of a new line, so I let the guy and his daughter make a dash for it, while I stand in place. Unfortunately (for him), the daughter was screwing around with the cart, and they failed to get a good spot in that line. I feel awkward for him as he's now trying to "merge" into that line while the end of it tails off in the other direction.

I was going to offer to him that he get back in front of me, but I felt like that would be showing him up. The Pupil becomes the Master, so to speak. So i just stand there. Now, things really get hairy as the aisle between us has a woman setting up. Before she announces it out loud, she tells me to get in line, as it's opening up. Thinking that her mind would explode if i declined the offer, I reluctantly start dumping my stuff on the conveyor belt. I pray that the guy doesn't decide to backtrack back into this line, but of course he does. Now, as I'm unpacking (remember, in a normal situation you get to put stuff on the conveyor belt BEFORE it's your tun up in the hotseat) he pulls up behind me and starts unpacking too (at a much faster pace than me). I offer for him to go ahead of me, but he declines. I'm so flustered by the encounter that I hand the worker my credit card instead of slashing it myself. "whoops, my mistake.....it's been awhile since i've been here." Yeah, and it's going to be a long long time before I ever come back.

I sign the receipt and collect my bags (note: I always have issues with trying to figure out how many times I have to spin that bagged wheel to get all of my bags. i can never tell). As i'm walking towards the exit, I'm a beaten man, but still alive. Nothing else could go wrong... Until my phone rings.

2 bags in each hand, headphones on each ear, but I have to get this phone for two reasons: 1) I'm embarrassed by the "arrested development" ringtone (ringtones always seem like a good idea in theory, but not in practice) and 2) it could be a job. Hmm, the punchline of AD should be #2, but it's too late to go back and change that order. So, i step outside, fumble for my phone and shout at my cousin "yeah, i can't hear you, i have my headphones on and I'm walking out of pathmark. I'll call you in 5 minutes." I then hang up on him.

I get to the front of my house, and almost chuckle at the plight of my life. Then I see the woman across the street trying in vain to carry two kids and a stroller up the stairs. Since I don't want to startle her by just walking up to her, I shout from across the street "do you need some help". She looks at me, but doesn't answer. Now I'm really in trouble. Did I not hear her answer? What if she said yes and I don't go over? what if she said no and I do? I debate just running away, but decide to walk over there. I'm trying desperately to make eye contact with her, but she's not looking. Her kids have a confused look and are staring at me though. Great, just great. As I go to grab the stroller, i make a over the top gesture with my arms hoping she'd catch it in the corner of her eyes. Of course, I guessed wrong, as she's completely startled by seeing me. I again ask her if she needs help, and she shakes her finger at me and smiles "no". I give a "oh ok, I thought you needed help" and then slink away back to my apartment.

How could so many things go wrong in a simple trip to the grocery store? I'm never leaving this apartment again.

When they do something stupid, ask them to explain why they are doing it. Case in point: Howard was upset with Gary because Gary has a program on his son's computer that allows him access to all of his IM's, emails, and website history. Howard pressed Gary to explain why he chose not to at least tell his son that the program existed. Like a true moron, Gary could not articulate WHY he made that decision. After awhile, Gary got overly defensive about it.

It's pretty obvious to me that if you can't articulate why you are doing something (or believe something), then it's a poor decision. I've never ever had a problem explaining WHY. If you can give me a "why", then at least it's a rational decision. I may disagree with it, but I'll probably respect it.

If you give me a "I don't know. just because!" then you are officially retarded.

When the sweatshirt over the shirt over the tshirt still didn't cover it, I had to put on the space heater AND get into bed under the covers. Too cold to actually turn around and watch tv, i had to keep my arms under my chest and lay on my stomach. When 9 pm rolled around, I was STILL too cold to watch house. Too cold to get out of bed, I decided to just sleep with the lights on. wake up at 5 am, with the heater having run ALL night, and I'm still pretty cold. This can't be healthy.

Well, I send out emails to people trying to convince them to watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I trumpet it as a wity drama that discusses politics, religion, corporations, etc in an intelligent manner. Then it goes on hiatus. Then it comes back reaking of mediocrity.

Guy asks girl out. Girl says yes. Guy's boss then says he has to go on a fake date with another girl in order to [oh heck, it doesn't matter WHY he has to do this. all you need to know is that his boss ordered him to go on a fake date].

Does the Guy A) tell the girl the truth and reschedule the date? or B) lie about why he has to back out of the date and cross his fingers that she's not going to find out?

How does this compelling saga end? Well, if you guessed that the girl would be at the function and wind up seeing guy on this "date", you must have watched Three's Company, the forefather of storylines based entirely on a stupid misunderstanding.

Oh, and the other couple we are supposed to care about got locked on a roof and couldn't get cell phone reception.

Good bye studio 60. I won't care when you get cancelled now.

according to marksfriggin, here's what happened an hour before the omlette encounter

Artie's mouth was full of cookies but he tried talking about that until Howard told him to finish chewing.
Artie said that he almost drove himself to a psychiatric hospital yesterday. He said he went home, went to sleep and then got up around 7. He had a nice dinner and then went to bed but he kept eating the leftovers he had. He had breaded chicken cutlets and two slices of pizza. He said he loads up on shit just so he has it in his apartment. He said that he ate the chicken and the pizza and he's back to drinking soda as well. Then he needed something chocolate so he got three Hershey bars.
Artie said he had gotten some of those huge Hershey bars and put them in the microwave to warm them up because they had been in the refrigerator. He heated it perfectly to where they were soft in the middle and hard on the sides. He was eating it with a spoon and almost started to cry because he couldn't stop eating it. He said that he has to eat so he doesn't think about any drugs or anything like that.
Howard said that he had a bowl of shredded wheat when he got hungry. Artie said he wouldn't even know where to get shredded wheat. Robin told Artie he really needs to get help with that. He has to figure out why he has to do that stuff. Howard said the shrink will make him figure out why he has to fill himself with that stuff. He said that maybe his parents did something that makes him want to do that stuff.
Artie said that he almost started to cry when he was eating that chocolate. He joked that he was still overwhelmed by the gas leak thing. He said he went to sleep after that so Howard asked him if he got the runs after eating that. Artie said he took the paper into the bathroom with him and read the story about how Dallas had lost because he wanted to read that again. He said that it's pretty awful after eating chocolate like that because it splatters all over the toilet. He figures that Dana ducked a bullet by not staying with him.

I knew I was in trouble when I put Stern on while getting ready for work. The show is so good that I wind up not being able to turn it off. Today was extra troubling because after the live broadcast, they are replaying the first show (1/9/06) and then another show w/ the 10 best clips of all time. In other words, if there was something good on in the morning, there was not necessarily going to be a chance to catch a replay of it.

ANYWAY....

I'm sure the majority of listeners did not enjoy this little moment as much as I did, but to me, this is the reason why I listen every morning. As you know, Artie is battling an ongoing weight problem. Well, that's not enitrely accurate, as at this point, he basically waiving the white flag and admitting defeat. The closest he's come to dieting is giving up Soda for New Years (and switching to Hi/C fruit punch.

Stern and the rest of the group have poetically bounced back and forth between "tough love" and "morbid curiosity". They tell Artie he has a problem, and try to get him to slow down, while also enjoying the disgusting display of glutiny. You can't help but feel bad for Artie, while simultaneously laughing at his plite.

This morning, in honor of their first year on the air, Sirius brought in a breakfast buffet for the show.

Gary barked into his microphone that the food was going fast, and that anyone on the air who wanted something should put the order in now.

While looking at video of the buffet, Artie commented on how nice the ommlette station looked. He started to hint that he wanted an omlette made for him when Howard cut him off (not intentionally, he just started talking) and told Gary that it was nice of him to offer, but everyone outside the studio should enjoy the breakfast.

Artie then got quiet. Gary then got very motherly and directly asked Artie if he would like something. Artie was shy, but Gary forced it out of him that he'd enjoy a cheese omlette. "How about i make you a nice little dish, would you like that? The omlette, a little bacon, maybe a bagel." Artie perked right up and got excited.

Howard then jumped in and encouraged Artie to eat. "Gary, make it extra cheese, my boy needs his nurishment." I think Howard got the vibe that Artie was embarassed about making the food request, and was trying to make it easier on him (by making a joke of it).

Then, 30 seconds later, Howard goes "wait, you don't want the bagel too, do you? Didn't I already see you eat a bagel this morning? Don't you feel disgusting eating two bagels for breakfast?"

Artie couldn't defend himself. His pain is my pleasure.

[i'm in italics]

Correlation does NOT equal causation.



Can Diet Soda Make You Gain Weight?

color my surprised.

http://knuttz.net/hosted_pages/Console-Evolution-20070103

Last year's Jack Black (w/ "Lazy Sunday") xmas SNL show was re-aired this week. I'm a sucker for JB, so I left it on. There was a skit (and yes, i know the word "skit" is offensive to "sketch comedy" writers, and that's exactly why I'm using it) that centered around a family sitting at a pizza place next to the door.

Ok, here's the joke: it's windy and cold, and when the door opens, the wind blows. Get it? You sure you don't need me to repeat it 6 times? B/c SNL didn't trust their audience to get it right away, so they had to keep running the same joke until they got to the punchline.

Sadly, this is what I think happened in the writing meeting. Someone came up with the idea, which is moderately clever (or, at the very least, has a "yeah, I can relate to that, it's cold when you sit by the door) and probably even had the climax (the wind blows so hard that the old grandmother gets blown in the air and then comes crashing down) thought out. But, that's a 30 second skit, not a 3 minute one. So they had to add filler. And the filler is what ruined the bit.

Door opens once to set up the bit.

Door opens a second time with nothing funny added.

JB tries to switch seats, but gets outraced to the open table by a homeless guy. completely irrelevant.

Door opens a third time, nothing funny added.

Pizza comes, but door opens a fourth time, and the pizza gets blown in the waiters face. This wasn't funny at all, but at least it was an attempt to add to the joke.

Door opens a 5th time, and the grandmother flies away, only to have a dummy come crashing down. Sort of funny, in a non funny kind of way. I mean, at least i could tell that was the punchline of the skit.

The middle part has to go. I don't care if SNL needs to have 100 writers on its staff and 50 sets ready to go in the studio. It HAS to stop stretching 1 joke skits into 3 minutes. It's too painful. Just plow through non stop small gags. Hit or miss, but then move on.

People really don't comprehend how a sit com works. On the E! true hollywood story of Friends, they were discussing how the actors fared after the show. The "experts" (btw, there's a side rant on how pathetic these people are for devoting their lives to knowing OTHER people's lives inside and out) kept going on and on about how funny the actors were on Friends, but how they weren't as funny on others shows. I don't have exact quotes, but it was clear that they weren't fully grasping the concept that the actors are just reading someone else's lines.

Sure, comedy requires a certain degree of innate timing, and perhaps there was some adlibbing or unique delivery going on. But in the end, you are only as funny as the writers behind you. Friends had decent writers. It's not Matt Leblanc's fault that Joey did not have the same writers. How is this a hard concept to understand?

Of course, I think I'm just bitter b/c they said Studio 60 wasn't that big a hit. That's a testament to the stupid american audience, NOT the quality of the show.

can't you picture michael doing "one bank"?

http://www.ifilm.com/collection/18220?sublisting=mostrecent&page=1&numPerPage=10

btw, average homeboy, and the asian seizure girl (on page 3) are also classics.

I'm not much of a football watcher, but tonight i figured out that i can record two programs at once w/ my DVR, so i am recording the chiefs/chargers game alongside family guy. When I read that LT had a 84 yard td run, i figured it was worth watching. I'm so sorry I did.

The Chiefs partially blocked a punt, that wound up rolling forward. One of the KC players then haphazardly reached for the ball, but was unable to catch it (as it bounced around in the air). A Charger then fell on top of it.

Here were my initial thoughts: "Wow, I can't believe that player didn't realize that by touching the ball, he was making it live again and was risking the chance that SD could recover".

Al Michaels, who's been doing games for 20 years (I think), had this initial comment: "it doesn't matter that san diego fell on the ball....it will be Kansas City's possession."

After some initial confusion, the refs huddled up and then announced this: "The receiving team blocked the punt. However, they then touched the ball after it had crossed the line of scrimage. San diego recovered, and it will thus be 1st and 10 for San diego".

Simple enough, right? Wrong. Michaels: "hmm, it looks like they are reversing their call. It looks like San diego is getting the ball back, but..."

Madden jumps in: "I don't understand...I can't figure out how a team who blocks a punt could then lose posession. I guess what they are saying, what would have had to occur, is this: they are saying that KC obtained possession and then lost possession during the return."

Michaels, perhaps feeling the egg on his face: "well, the ref's initial comments were cut off, so we don't really know why they are ruling this way. and now Herm Edwards wants clarification on the rule. Hmm, whatever they are telling Herm, he seems satisfied with it".

[note: the refs innitial comments were NOT cut off.]

John Madden is a Hall of Fame coach who won a superbowl. he is the FACE of color commentary for the NFL. A legend. Al Michaels is one of the most respected announcers in the game. Also a legend.

me? Last week, i swore to myself that I was going to sit down and watch a football game, and wound up watching "finding neverland".....FOR A THIRD TIME! I can't be bothered with football at this point. The way it's presented is too low brow for me. "fans" have no idea what's going on. It's an excuse to eat chicken wings and crush beer cans on their head. And if they claim they are getting a richer experience out of the game, they are lying. Unless they are getting a different TV feed from the rest of us, b/c the camera doesn't even show the defense!!!!

Heck, the players don't even know the game. The KC player who lunged at the ball clearly had less than a 50% chance of actually grabbing the ball, as it was behind him. But he took that "chance" b/c he didn't understand that it was a chance. Either he thought that the ball was 100% live or 100% not-live. Go back to the horrible Giants game where the extra point was blocked and the giants players then let the other team run it in for 2 points b/c they were afraid to touch the ball.

And wasn't this the sort of thing that happened to leon lett on thanksgiving when the cowboys played the dolphins in the snow about a decade ago? How could this rule be a hidden mystery to so many people, when someone like me has heard about it before (multiple times!)

The ignorance that engulfs football is mind boggling. The game is reduced to a big cloud of dust as the offensive and defensive lines explode. That's all we can comprehend as average nfl fans. Everythign else eludes us. The concept of a ball being live after it is touched past the LOS is too complex.

I hate football.

oh, and i also hate that foxsports.com wouldn't show me how many tds LT threw for this season. Sure, i can understand how that wouldn't be a default stat when looking at a RB, but when i go all the way to "passing tds, complete leaders" of the AFC, and his name isn't listed (!), then you know something is wrong.

oh my god, is al michaels using len berman's "yeahbut" description of someone (or something) that is good, but not quite great. of course teams are going to have questions........the season is only 16 games.

this is from wiki under different ways to shoplift.

Milkshake subterfuge

A less common shoplifting technique used for smaller high-dollar items is the milkshake subterfuge. A milkshake is purchased by the shoplifter and taken into the store. The shoplifter proceeds to drop small heavy items like jewelry into the milkshake. On leaving the store their milkshake is unlikely to be searched. Shoplifters using this method must be wary of drinking too much of their milkshake or the items will be revealed in the bottom of their cup.

On the slim chance that NBC runs some type of program that scans for posts about their shows, i need to pad the stats and state that this show is awesome. It's from the creator of sports night and west wing, so picture that type of show but w/ SNL as the backdrop instead of the whitehouse.

If and when NBC cancels this show, i'm going to be horribly upset. watch this show.

That's the movie that they should have made. Just because Superman has left us, the movie audiance, for over a decade doesn't mean that's what the plot had to be. There's no drama or conflict in him "coming back". That's inevitable, b/c you know, he's Superman(!) and he's a good guy and whatnot. The story is in him leaving. Leaving all the people that need him. Not being able to handle the pressure of constantly saving the world. Leaving Lois.

What the heck was the plot of this movie? Superman disapeared for awhile b/c he apparently had to go check out if Krypton still existed (at least that's what he told Lois). Then he decides to come back JUST as Lex Luthor (who hasn't been heard from in awhile) decides to create a new continent on top of North America. Why couldn't Lex build his new continent in the middle of the ocean and thus not destroy some of the most populous areas in the world. From a business standpoint, he's killing potential customers. Also, how are people supposed to live on these spikey rocks? that's not exactly a prime location. And if this kid is Supermans, how did lois find the time to meet a guy and get married between the time superman left and the time she started showing?

A "superman departs" movie would have had so much more conflict. The only decent scene was when he told Louis that he "hears everything" when they were up in the sky. That people are always asking for his help. Heck, the Incredibles had a more compelling plot. What happens when society takes for granted the person who dedicates his life to protect them. I want to see Superman struggle with some type of moral conflict. I want to see him try to balance a personal life with constantly saving the world.

This movie was just terrible. I can't imagine a less intersting concept than superman "returning" to save the world. If we NEEDED a happy ending b/c we are retarded americans, then just have him depart for the majority of the movie only to come back years later at the very end to save us from something. Honestly, some combination of the Incredibles and Lion King would have made for a great superman movie.

A man who was recently dubbed the most accurate kicker in NFL history is now unemployeed. Sources have told FOXSports.com has learned that the Dallas Cowboys have cut kicker Mike Vanderjagt and will sign Martin Gramatica.

Vanderjagt has been very inconsistent this year and an inconsistent kicker and Bill Parcells are like oil and water.

With the Colts, Vanderjagt was near automatic but suffered interpersonal problems after he ripped P.M. on TV only to have Manning fire back and call him "liquored-up idiot kicker."

But what was more interesting was an exchange that wasn't published. BDD asked Hendry if the Cubs will try and initiate a philosophical change in trying to get guys on base since they were 28th in the league in runs scored and 29th in OBP or perhaps sign some free agents who have historically had higher on base percentages (maybe Carlos Lee or J.D. Drew?) or even bring in a new hitting coach to alter the mindset of the approach at the plate. Hendry responded with the following:

"Well we'd like to get guys who can get on base, but our trouble was knocking guys in. We finished 4th or 5th in the league in hitting so we did manage to get guys on base. You can get all the guys on base that you want, but you have to knock them in."

Q: Are you going to do something about the fact that you were last in oranges last year?
A: well, we had a decent amount of apples, so, we had a lot of oranges.

Seriously, this is willfull ignorance. On base percentage measures the percentage of time that your players get on base. To ignore that percentage and in fact refute it by giving one example of how you got on base is just mindblowing.

ARRGGHHH!

Ok, it wasn't THAT shocking, but I was reading an article in Spin about Americans using music to torture people in Guantanamo Bay, and I was already mentally preparing my email to Steve. I don't know why, but the fact that they use Rage Against The Machine as one of their torture songs particularly angered (and semi amused?) me. There was so many psychological tangents that were swirling in my head when I then read this sentence...

"Dr. Stephen X______ [their last name], a psychiatrist..." Now, i know it's steven, not stephen, but i honestly thought i was hallucinating when i first read it. It's like the article was speaking directly to me.

caught this on a tivo'd CR (and then had to google it to get the exact quote). I'm blown away. How could anyone continue to listen to him? This isn't even a political issue. If I'm listening to soemone b/c i respect their opinions, and then he tells me, flat out, that he doesn't believe what he says, why on earth would I continue to listen?

"I feel liberated, and I'm going to tell you as plainly as I can why. I no longer am going to have to carry the water for people who I don't think deserve having their water carried.

...

Now I'm liberated from having to constantly come in here every day and try to buck up a bunch of people who don't deserve it, to try to carry the water and make excuses for people who don't deserve it."

...........


I'm not trying to tell you that this is about me. I'm just answering questions that I've had from people about how I feel. There have been a bunch of things going on in Congress, some of this legislation coming out of there that I have just cringed at, and it has been difficult coming in here, trying to make the case for it when the people who are supposedly in favor of it can't even make the case themselves -- and to have to come in here and try to do their jobs."

While I dabble in other fantasy sports (football, basketball, etc), nothing compares to fantasy baseball. competition based on skill is always more exciting than luck, and there is just too much luck involved in other fantasy sports. I take little to no pleasure in winning at fantasy football, but a victory in fantasy baseball is hard earned and well deserved.

I need to understand why Fantasy Football is so much more popular than fantasy baseball. It doesn't make sense. I can understand the argument that baseball is too time consuming. It is. But, some people actually think that football is more "exciting". This, I don't understand.

I've tried to get into the mindset of a fantasy football player, but something is lacking. Do these people go out to the bars every single sunday and watch all the games on the NFL ticket? If so, how can they possibly know how they are doing? Do they have their opponents lineup memorized? Can they calculate their fantasy points on the fly? I can get a general sense of how i'm doing (based on some key players, or if someone is in the midst of a huge game), but often times, i'm still unsure as to the ultimate outcome of my game.

I imagine that the average sunday is NOT spent at a bar. And the average person DOESN'T have the NFL ticket. So fantasy football basically comes down to watching the local team for three hours, and getting the occasional highlights. Then, at the end of halves and games (i.e. 2:30, 4:00, 5:30, etc) you go online and actually calculate your fantasy points. Yes, it all happens in one day, but the excitement is so short lived. I imagine that a good portion (25%?) of fantasy matchups are decided pretty quickly (or in the alternative, it's completely unknown b/c it all comes down to some random WR on a monday night game).

If you are just looking for excitment, why not just bet on the games? that has to be more exciting than fantasy football.

I caught the last 10 minutes of "matrix reloaded", and all my anger towards that horrible movie came flowing back. I debated searching for a comprehensive "this is everything that's wrong with the movie" type of rant, but i knew that i'd get lost in a sea of rants that only covered 85% of the problems. and i can't have that. so i'm not even going to search.

should anyone paste me a link here, however, i'd be very happy.

Ever have so many tasks that need to be accomplished in a certain time frame that it becomes completely overwhelming? Because I work six days a week, I have to pack in every single chore and leisure activity in the span of a day. It’s overwhelming. This morning was a no brainer; X-men: The Last Stand had to be viewed. But then I started to panic when I thought about how many clothes need to be ironed, how long it’s been since I’ve washed the floor, and how good a nap would be right now.

Left with too many choices, the human mind becomes overwhelmed. So I took the path of least resistence: a bowl of cereal. A man can do a lot of thinking while eating a bowl of cheerios, and here are my thoughts from the past 10 minutes…

I’ve been in the mood for sleater-kinney today, but I’m continuously faced with a dilemma when listening to them. In an interview, the lead singer [sidenote: how bizarre is it that I still don’t know the names of the members of my favorite band of all time? I like to think that it’s because I care more about the music than the people behind it, but in reality, I think it’s just because I’m bad with names] was discussing the fact that “The Woods” was a departure from their usual work. I don’t remember the exact quote, but her point was that it was not meant to appease the people who were “used” to their older albums. I specifically remember her saying that she didn’t want people listening to the album while vacuuming. Needless to say, this makes me very uncomfortable because I always put albums on that I’m familiar with while I’m vacuuming. Have I been unfaithful to the music that I love because I treat it as “background” music? Must all music be appreciated at its highest level? Must I only listen to music in the dark and with headphones on? “Can’t people have coffee anymore” [connect the dots to that Seinfeld reference].

Fine, I’ll eat my cheerios to Biggie. Biggie would have no qualms when or where I listened to his music, as long as I paid for the album. So I’m eating my cheerios, with Biggie in the background, and my mind starts wandering. Today I read an article about animals that was discussing whether or not they are conscious. Here’s a quote:

A key ingredient of consciousness is having a sense of self, a feeling that there's a "you" inside your brain. One sign of that is being able to imagine yourself in a different time and place.

I tried very hard to try and think like a dog. How smart can the smartest dog be? Is it aware that there is a species that is much smarter than it? Does it understand the master/slave relationship? Can an animal dislike my personality?

What’s more unsettling? Knowing that lesser species are still capable of a consciousness, or having two species of equal intelligence in the same planet? How different would homo sapiens existence be if there was another species that shared our level of intellect? I assume that there would such animosity between the two species, just as each ethnicity conflicts with each other as a self preservation mechanism. If early settlers were upset with the Irish coming in and taking all their jobs, can you imagine how much we’d hate another species? It would both be a uniting and dividing phenomenon to have another species to compete with.

This then segued into my ever continuing quest to try and understand the mindset of a slave owner. Did white people REALLY believe that they were better than black people? How does that start? I can understand being born into a culture of racism, and just going along for the ride, but there had to be a premiere generation that started it all, right? I just can’t imagine seeing something that had two arms, two legs, a head, and could (or eventually would learn) how to speak English and think that was more “property” than “man”. Seriously, can you imagine treating a human being like a garden tool? And yet, we can’t just dismiss the entire society as “evil”. There had to be theoretically “good” people who were slave owners. That, had they been born in a different era, would have been completely ok with racial equality.

Is all morality relative? Is there something that we are doing right now that will be looked upon as bad as slavery? Maybe the fact that we don’t fix the homeless problem in our country. I barely acknowledge homeless people when they ask me for money. Am I 21^st century slave owner? Great now I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight. I hate people who can fall asleep easily. Why aren’t they worrying whether or not future societies will deem them to be slave owners?

Cereal is done. Time to vacuum.

the a's getting swept, or eckstein's homer?

Obviously, I knew the WWE was bad, but I didn't realize how bad until last night. Somewhere in ECW's last year or two of existence, i basically gave up on professional wrestling. The downward spiral was pretty steady, so it's hard to pinpoint when i stopped watching. Towards the end, i remember watching JUST so i could fully appreciate Netcop's scathing recaps.

In the past couple of months, I've attempted to rekindle my interest, but the exercise had been futile. Raw is now on the level of "SNL bad" in that it's so proactively annoying that i can't even have it on the TV in the background. Just the very sound of the show makes me cringe with annoyance.

Despite my distaste for professional wrestling, I looked forward to the trip this weekend to see the wXw tourny in Allentown PA. If nothing else, it was going to be a good nostalgia trip and an excuse to eat Chik Fila. However, I never expected the show to spark a revival in my enjoyment of professional wrestling. Basically, when the show ended, I was already planning my next trip to an indy show.

Booking a quality show seems pretty simple. There were no Russo swerves or Sportz Entertaiment during the card. Just the simple "good vs. evil" battle between heels and faces that have been entertaining crowds for decades. The wrestlers were a bit on the unseasoned in their execution at times, but that was completely overshadowed by their youthful exerbance and dedication. Several of the wrestlers were definitely well rounded enough to "make it".

Ugh, it's a lot harder to write a "rave" compared to a "rant". Let's just leave it as i had an absolutely great time at the show, and i look forward to the next road trip in the near future.

Baseball is not a team sport. Few people really understand this. Yes, 25 people (more when you include coaches, replacements, trainers, etc) have to interact with each other for eight months every year, but that doesn’t make it a “team” sport. Not only is baseball not a team sport, but it’s not even a sport of continuous action but rather distinct, isolated events. If soccer is an example of an analog sport, baseball is its digital equivalent.

In basketball, a defense is only as strong as its weakest player. When a player gets beat, it’s up to his teammates to rotate over and help him out. A pointguard needs to be completely in tune with the players he’s trying to get the ball to. They need to think with one collective conscious. In football, if a receiver and quarterback sense a blitz, they will both independently (yet collectively) change the receiver’s route. Taking a great receiver and placing him with an equally great quarterback will not automatically lead to great results. It is only through “teamwork” and cohesiveness that they will become a strong unit together.

Baseball is not like that. When a player comes up to bat, he is alone. There isn’t a zone defense, or westcoast offense, but rather only a pitcher, a defense, and a ball. And perhaps an equally isolated teammate on a basepath or two. The only players who exhibit any type of “teamwork” in the traditional sense are the pitcher and catcher, and perhaps the two middle infielders in terms of turning double plays.

Say what you will about “team chemistry”, but it’s hard to believe that it really exists in a sport where the idea of “team” is as fragile as it is in baseball. A baseball team is a glorified company and the rules of chemistry are no different than if they worked in an office instead of a diamond.

The believers in team chemistry (and you know who you are) will argue that a work environment that lacks “chemistry” will suffer just as a team would. This is an overly simplistic analysis. If I worked at a job that actually had a team oriented goal and where I actually had to work with other people, perhaps I could buy that. But how many people actually have such jobs? Being annoyed by the person in the cubicle next to you is not an example of suffering from poor chemistry. I have worked in environments where I absolutely cannot stand my coworkers. However, once I turn my head and attention towards the work in front of me, it becomes only about the work. I might despise my peers, or be annoyed by the incompetence of people who work above me [not direct supervisors per se, but rather the people I have to deal with in order to get my job done], but at the end of the day, my work is my own. And, maybe I’m just more professional than other people (or perhaps I just lack certain human emotions), but I just don’t comprehend how a lack of “chemistry” could alter my ability to perform an isolated event.

It’s unfortunate that simple minds need nice simple “stories” to explain random events. The Yankees went 1-3 this week, and we need some type of “story” to explain why. Perhaps the fact that their offense consists of “paid mercenaries” explains the fact that Abreu’s line drive in game 2 wound up hitting the top of the wall for a single instead of going over for a home run. Perhaps Arod’s surliness is the reason that Captain Intangibles wasn’t able to inject him full of mystique and aura. Or maybe when two very good teams play each other four times, the better team can lose three times.

at imdb.com, everytime you click on a message board page (or even to nest a thread), you get an advertisement page inbetween. it's now unusable.

thanks alot.