on top of everything they do wrong, during their pregame show, while random stats are scrolling on the bottom, those stats make video game sounds. example: vlad's batting average pops up with a spaceship sound....WHILE THE BROADCASTERS ARE TALKING.

unreal. seriously, every single decision they make is wrong.


btw, the usc vs. nd game was one of the best games i've ever seen.

S = A + W - T +1/2(B).

Where A=athlete W=white T=talent and B=beard.

Nice play be Erstad to get thrown out trying to stretch a double into a triple. Let's see, down 5-0 and two outs. Is getting that extra base really worth the risk? doesn't every 9 year old know that you don't make the first or third out at third? But i guess he was "making things happen" by playing small ball. woo hoo. {also, he slid like a retard again}



bonus comment: i was researching "everybody hates chris" to see if people like it as much as i do, and one of the first comments i saw was "this is the best thing to happen to prime time since 'living single'". That was the show with queen latifiah for those of you who don't remember.

I can't remember. In short, it's the process i go through every night where i lose my memory right before i fall asleep. Here's an example: I'm laying in bed trying to think of the name of the SS that was on the yankees before Jeter started playing. While i'm struggling, all of a sudden, i can't remember what i needed to know about jeter. Then, i forget Jeter is involved and I start struggling to remember what about the yankees i needed to know. Then, all i can remember is that it's something about baseball. Then i fall asleep.

It's very scary and makes me fear having alzheimers.

oprah was on my tv today. She got all huffy about kids being molested, so she started some book of the month club or something. She's got a wall of all the kids that have been kidnapped and molested. She calls it "america's wall of shame." Yeah, it's not like these kids wind up blaming themselves and feeling shameful about it, or anything.

Andruw Jones was on 2nd base. there was a called strike on a pitch that was a few inches outside. Jones shrugged his soldiors as if to say "where the heck was that? whats' going on here".

espn, who did the game!, is now doing highlights and they said that Jones was complaining that his teamate left him on w/o driving him in.

ugh.

also, last night espn news had highlights of a college game. They made a big deal about the bad team turning the ball over. They even made fun of the fact that the qb comes from a town called santa claus and he was thus giving away gifts. in fact, they computer generated a hat for him.

on sportscenter, TWO minutes later, they showed the game as teh good team dominating with excellent passing.


blech.

PJ doesn't know this, but i almost got into a fight at the yankee game. When we were leaving, there were a bunch of people in the crowd who were recklessly using their umbrellas. The rule is, if there are other people around, you have to raise your umbrella so the big metal spokes don't go near people's eyes.

At one point, i became so enraged by nearly going blind, that I swore I was going to swing at the next person that did it. Luckily, nobody came close.

Last week they were talking about LT on that nfl pregame show on espn. Gameday? anyway, tom jackson was going on about how LT gets stronger as the game goes on. Michael Irvin (of all people) jumps in with "oh come on, tom, that's impossible, nobody gets stronger as the game goes on." Tom: Oh yeah, then how do you explain why his stats go up later in the game?

without any pause whatsoever... Irvin: well, everyone around him is getting tired at a faster rate than he is.

wow. How did Irvin figure that out? why hasn't anyone else ever realized that? I mean, other than greg the hammer valentine, it IS impossible to get stronger as the game goes on.

this is how i spent the first 100 minutes of the morning. i then needed 120 minutes to calm down.

Ticketmaster hold ---> (1) spoke to someone about switching tickets to willcall. ---> TM hold ---> she said ok ---> asked to switch the name over to another name ---> transferred to customer service (uh, i have no idea what i was calling first. i was a customer and i was being served) ---> TM hold ---> (2) person tells me that they can't do it. but that yankee stadium can do it. they give me their number ---> call that number, it's not in service ---> go online to find the real yankees number ---> call it ---> (3) guy says i need to call the first yankee number, even though i tell him it's not in service ---> i call that number, it's not in service ---> call the 2nd yankee number again. ---> hold (mike mussina thanks me for calling) ---> (4) person is helpful, but doesn't know the answer ---> hold ---> (4.5) he speaks with his supervisor who told him to tell me that only ticket master can help me. ---> call ticketmaster ---> TM hold ---> (5) speak with a person who tells me that customer service might be helpful ---> connect me to customer service ---> nobody picks up and it disconnects me ---> ticket master again ---> hold ---> (6) another person ---> says it's against their policies to allow anyone to switch tickets over. I explain that I didn't know when the game was going to take place and that I can't make it. She says there's nothing she can do. I ask her if they go out of their way to screw customers. That these are my tickets, and I should have the right to switch them over if i can't make the game. She says to call yankee stadium, maybe they could be more helpful. ---> (7) yankee stadium guy tells me that I have to fax him a signed letter that i'm giving up the tickets and then i have to have a fax of his credit card info. I tell him that he must be mistaken, and he goes to ask his supervisor. Supervisor tells him that that's the procedure for season ticket holders, and that the ONLY way that it can be switched over is through ticketmaster.

You know what, i can't deal with this anymore. I wound up speaking with 13 total people. There's no point in me struggling to remember all the details of every phone call. Nobody could appreciate what i went through. It was brutal.

and it was all for naught, b/c the ups tickets wound up coming. and in fact, we missed the first inning b/c those ups tickets were made invalid b/c of my calling ticketmaster.

unreal!

How could a group of people so obsessed with objective observations and statistics allow their personal biases to cloud their judgment? On the last day of the regular season, home field advantage in the Yankees v. Angels series was still up for grabs. The Yankees needed either a win or an Angel loss to clinch it. Now, the Yankees had to worry about getting their players ready for Tuesday's playoff game, so they decided to start Wright and save Moose. {whether Moose should be starting game one is a different issue}. But, they played the vast majority of starters in the field and only started pulling them once the game was out of reach and Cleveland had lost (thus meaning that the bosox were going to win the wildcard).

[note: i realize this is a lot of setup considering almost everyone who reads this blog follows the yankees, but just in case...]

Now, in the angels game, they were playing the Rangers, who have nothing to play for. The rangers manager, Buck Showalter, was fired from the Yankees in 1995 and apparently still holds a grudge. He sat his best player (Soriano) and then pulled his other good players in the third inning. After the game, he claimed that soriano asked for the day off, and that he pulled the players so that they could get cheered by the fans. This is possible, but I don't buy it.

Regardless, Torre was asked to comment about it and said he didn't think it was right. The vast majority of primates started posting that the Yankees were whining, and thought that the world revolved around them. It was borderline insane.

If this happened to ANY other team, the responses were different. But because it was the MFYankees, they aren't allowed to complain. "come on, they have a 200 million dollar payroll...who are they to complain about fairness?". I was ashamed at such arguments. "if torre wanted to win so badly, he shouldn't have pitched wright!". "if the yankees wanted home field, they should have won on sunday, or any other game".

These arguments are completely illogical and biased. Why should the yankees have to clinch homefield advantage in 161 games when all other teams have 162? I hate, with a burning passion, when people use the "well, if they REALLY wanted something, they should just go above and beyond the adversity". This is the naivity that plagues republicans (just work hard, and you'll achieve the american dream.) Hey, who cares if your boss is sexist, just work harder to prove him wrong.

Why should they have to? Why are inequities and unfairness allowed to exist with the only justification being "well, it wasn't 100% dispositive, in theory it can be overcome". What Showalter did was bad for the game of baseball. There is a goodfaith effort to play the game to win. Yes, in a meaningless game between two teams out of the race, it's ok to just go through the motions (though that's not really fair to the ticket buyers). But this game had an impact on the playoffs. It shouldn't be determined by one team laying down....especially if it was done out of spite.

I didn't really care about the issue at first (though i thought it was wrong). but, after witnessing how biased the primates were, it got me more upset. If this happened to ANY other team, there would be outrage. Heck, I was pretty upset when the whitesox were laying down for the indians, even though doing so hurt the redsox.

About a week ago (and a month into my unemployment), I decided to go back to the single greatest video game of all time, NCAA 2004. That was a labor of love for me. I first learned of the game by reading posts from Chris. Chris had discovered a website where you can write up stories recapping your video game achievements. I agonized reading about him losing every game of the first two seasons he played. I even remember him sending me a video he taped off the TV of some running back running through 4 red jerseys.

So, if i recall correctly, I bought the game while i was on summer break before my last year of lawschool (yes, i know that technically the summer before your third year is supposed to be spent clerking at a firm. but, go back and read the first sentence of this rant. i'm UNEMPLOYED for a reason).

For some reason, i remember being home home when i first started playing this game. And i remember feverishly trying to keep up with the game recaps on my laptop. Realizing that this process was taking too long, i started scribbling notes on stickies during the game.

When I got back to my apartment, I put a lot of effort into catching up. At some point, and I don't remember the circumstances, I lost several seasons of information. That will explain the "ticketmaster" post later on.

The last post stems from my grandmother "cleaning up" my apartment, and accidently throwing out some notes from the last season. I guess that was the last article i ever wrote, but I remember writing a lenghty article on a scandal breaking at RU about reverse point shaving. It turns out that I lost some game and was so upset that I shut the PS2 off in disgust. Afterwards, i felt so guilty about cheating that I gave up playing the game. (other than the 5 hours a day, 3 days a week i'd play with tuna).

Hmm, I clearly have written this rant backwards, as i forgot to mention the best part. Tonight, utterly depressed by the yankees loss, i started thinking about this game. I always wished i had saved the rants, as the website took down my page due to inactivity. Then it dawned on me. Why not give the way back machine a shot. It worked a miracle once (getting the interpretation of 46/2), so why not again?

And low and behold, I found SOMETHING.

all the game recaps are gone, which was 95% of the work. But, the main news articles were still there. So, here they are, in all their glory. Scroll down to the last one first, and then read up.

and ps: i was mocking my readers with the "i promise three posts by the end of the day". I'm sick of you all reading w/o posting comments. Consider yourselves suckered.

J’ACCUSE!" ANGIE

2009 season lost! I never thought that THEY would get to my grandmother, angie, but apparently there is no stopping Ticketmaster. In a deliciously evil coupe, they were able to buy off angie and have her sabatage Rutgers' database. All of Rutgers' important stats are stored on a secure system. That system, if you must know, is randomly scribbled notes on "Darth Maul Post-its". Well, in the guise of "cleaning up", angie must have purposely and intentionally hacked into this system and destroyed the material. This abuse of discretion disturbs Coach K and he vows to pay personal attention to future recaps. He was also embarassed by how well "mudd's" site is. While he thanks Mudd for the compliments regarding this site, Kronic knows that he's been slacking. "I may never get to the point where i'm giving recaps of each game, but the least i can do is give you a glimpse of what it's like behind the scenes with these boys."

SOMETHING WITTY REGARDING GREEK MYTHOLOGY

This reporter wanted to incorporate the rise and fall (and rise again) of the graduating Lazarous with greek mythology. However, said reporter is lazy and tired and doesn't have the energy to look it up. So, suffice to say, Lazarous was touted as the savior of RU football, but failed to live up to that glory. He lost his job to injury (and ineffectiveness) in his junior year. Come senior year, however, Lazarous reemerged as a leader and put up some impressive numbers. He and WR McGuil were able to (temporarily) break all of RU's career records, despite medicore beginnings. Just goes to show you how bad RU was before Coach K took over.

HERE'S TO YOU MR. ROBINSON

There are those who think that Hodges remarkable season should be the top story of 2008. Granted, he did win the Heisman as a Sophmore (redshirt), and he did set the NCAA records for rushing yards and rushing tds in a season. But he decided to bolt for the NFL, so screw him. Let's take a look at the real hero of the Scarlet Knights, Jeff Robinson.

Jeff Robinson came to the Knights at its lowest points. Some questioned why such a great player would come to such a lowly school, but Robinson believed in the system. With Hall at the other bookend, Robinson was able to anchor the defensive backfield of the Knights. He also managed to set the school record for career rushing yards. In 2008, Coach Kronic decided to utilize Jeff solely on defense. The results were amazing as Jeff was well on his way to breaking the season sack record. However, a horrible injury in the middle of the season saw Robinson's college career come to a shocking end. Wanting to see his goal of Rutgers becoming a dominant force to its conclusion, Robinson took it upon himself to train fellow Cornerback Dorsey. With his guidance, Dorsey came out of nowhere to break the sack record himself and become a 1st team all-american. Similarly, Hodges broke most of Robinson's rushing records in 2008.

Refusing to end on such a down note, Robinson rehabbed intensively and made it back for the Sugar Bowl. It was a moral victory for both Jeff and the school. He was the epitome of what it means to be a Scarlet Knight and his presence will be missed.

Here's to you Mr. Robinson....Enjoy the NFL.

TICKETMASTER VS. COACH KRONIC

Coach Kronic made the mistake of trying to fight ticketmaster, and as a result, Rutgers almost fell off the planet. In an attempt to protect students from outrageous handling fees, Kronic Fatigue tried to implement a structure that didn’t require the overpowering monopoly from gauging prices. To counter this, Ticketmaster erased all of Rutgers history from it’s collective hard-drive. Gone were all the scores and highlights from all Rutgers games. ESPN wasn’t allowed to report any of the scores and if people on the street even uttered the “r word” they were beaten to a bloody pulp by Ticketmaster employees. Not willing to see another Rutgers student brutalized on the streets of college ave (other than the ones the Frats try to murder), Kronic reached an agreement with the almighty Ticketmaster. So, as of the 2007 season, it is no longer a crime to speak of the school or its football program. In return for monthly updates, Coach Kronic had to agree to not allow any game by game recaps.

“The lesson from all of this,” said a distraught Kronic, “is that you can’t fight ticketmaster.”

If only he had talked to Eddie beforehand.

THE FUTURE OF RU FOOTBALL IS TODAY (OR LAST MONTH?

Try to follow along for a second, if you will. This “breaking” news story is the preview of the 2005 season. It’s being written on September 17th, 2003. The season was actually played towards the end of August. So I’m in the present (obviously), writing about a future that has already happened in the past. I hate to break the 4th wall down (or, for you netcop followers, break “kayefabe”), but writing for this dynasty is hard at times. I really wanted to play the game today, but I was about two seasons behind in my recaps. So, if this prelude ruins the fantasy for you, I’m sorry, but sometimes I need to keep myself sane with reality. But then, I realize my reality consists of sitting in my apartment writing recaps for a video game and I start to wonder what’s wrong with my therapist.

But enough about my problems…on with the show.

Coach Kronic put his recruiting hat on and hit the road, and came back with a pile full of young studs. With the 13th best recruiting class in the nation, RU looks ready to make the Big East regret their decision. 5 blue chip players will be wearing red this season, along with eight (!) 4 star players. Rutgers continues to become quicker and stronger especially in their defensive backfield. Where as Kronic was hesitant in the past to use his cbs on offense, this season he only cares about one thing: winning. A cheap win is still a win, and this year Rutgers is going to put on a show.

RU KIDDING ME? RU SHOCKED BY BEING THROWN OUT.

The whispers started around 8 am on college ave. By noon, there was a buzz in the air. By 3 pm, students were tipping over the grease trucks in protest. The unthinkable had happened. Rutgers, ranked 40th in the entire nation with a winning record in the Big East and overall failed to make a bowl. That’s not the half of it though. In what has to be one of the most shocking events since the ending of Usual Suspects, Rutgers University has been thrown out of the Big East and replaced by Connecticut.

Kronic Fatigue was not available for comment. The one reporter who was able to track down Coach K for comment is still missing and his body isn’t likely to be found. The coach did release a written statement which read in part: “You don’t need to be that commie Steve X to realize what’s going on here. This is a conspiracy of the first order. They are flat out scared of us and what we’ve been able to accomplish in two short years. We will not take this laying down. Next year, we are out for blood.”

What does this mean for the Rutgers program? The future is uncertain, and chaos reigns supreme in New Brunswick.

THE GLASS ISN'T ENTIRELY EMPTY FOR THIS SEASON.

Kronic Fatigue’s first official recruiting process appears to be a success. With their main goal to get faster and more athletic, RU took a big step in the right direction. Blue chipper CB Anthony Baker will help fill the void left by CB#32. Alongside Baker will be another speedy freshman, Jeff Robinson. The addition of two great athletes at the corners will give Kronic numerous options. Expect to see one, if not both, of these guys line up on the offensive side of the ball. Another great addition to the RU squad is left tackle Jason Fritzgerald. This beefy freshman will sure up the offensive line, a problem last year for the Knights. Other, lesser talented freshmen include a pair of defensive tackles and middle linebackers. The one area where RU failed in the recruiting department is at kicker. “Walk on” Wendell Wiley made the team, but looks to have his work cut out for him.

In an interesting turn of events, athletic director Kronic Fatigue decided to schedule all of RU’s non conference games against Ivy League schools. “Let’s be honest, nobody comes to RU as their first choice. This school was the silver medal for a lot of students. And I know that beating the bejesus out of those snobby smart schools that rejected our students will give us great satisfaction. I know that when I was growing up, bullying the eggheads was so much fun. I wouldn’t have traded it for the world.”

Of course, there is always the chance that the Ivy schools will beat RU, sending its students even further into depression. If that’s the case, at least business will be good for the Knight Club and Corner Tavern.

MIDSEASON REPORT: IS THERE A SILVER LINING? NOPE

[This is the press conference that was held days before Rutgers would leave for West Virginia. Much of the content had to be removed, as this is a family website.]

KF: Before I take questions, I’d like to give an assessment of where I think the team is. When I came back to Rutgers as the Athletic Director, I knew I wasn’t going to immediately enjoy the success that I’ve had in the NFL. Granted, I dominated for years and years in the NFL, taking The Newark Heels to numerous superbowls and even the first undefeated season since the Dolphins. But the college game is different and it’s going to take me time to adjust. Some of these formations are flat out wacky. There little differences that are causing major communication problems with my team. For instance, I was yelling at my QB in the VT game to “delta, delta delta!” In the NFL, delta means for the qb to look downfield again. However, qb#5 thought delta meant to hurdle over and over again and proceeded to do so all the way to a 20 yard sack. I’ve basically had to throw out my NFL playbook and start over. In fact, I liked buffalo’s plays so much that I incorporated them in the next week’s game. It didn’t work at all. And let’s be honest, it’s not like I have a Michael Vick to just give the ball to and let him work his magic. But I think we are moving in the right direction. There was a recent poll of Rutgers students and alumni that asked “Do you think our football program is moving in the right direction?” I was very pleased to learn that 17% said we were moving in the right direction while only 14% said we were getting worse.

Reporter: Coach, if I may interject, what about the other 69% who answered with “we have a football program?”

KF: You know, I’m tired of you reporters always twisting the data to prove your point. Are some (most) Rutgers fans indifferent to our program? Sure. Does it make me feel uncomfortable when our home games are marked by awkward silence? Of course. Do I lay in my bed and cry myself to sleep? No doubt, but that’s for personal reasons, not this football program. This is just the first step in the long process of getting RU up to at least mediocre. Where we go from there is anybody’s guess.

Reporter: Do you think you’ll score another TD this season, or what that one play in the opening game a fluke?

KF: This press conference is over.

AS EXPECTED, KRONIC FATIGUE NAMES HIMSELF COACH

Athletic director Kronic Fatigue took little time in choosing who will be drawing up the x’s and o’s for Rutgers. In naming himself coach, Kronic may have bitten off a little more than he can chew. “That’s nonsense,” said an irked Kronic, “Have you ever seen me at a wings eating contest? You’d be shocked at how much I can chew.” On a serious note, Kronic will have little time to get to know his players before the season starts. “It’s tough. It’s not like I recruited these guys. Heck, I haven’t even had a real chance to talk with them. Take CB#32 for instance. To me, he’s just a position and a number. But that’s gottta change if we are going to come together as a team. I have to stop thinking of him as a Corner Back who wears the number 32, and instead think of him as an individual, CB#32.”

Speaking of CB#32, Kronic has decided to let him go both ways (calm down homophobes, we are talking offense and defense here) and will start him at tailback. “It’s an honor,” said CB#32, “in fact, the guys have been teasing me in the locker room and have nicknamed me RB#32.” On the record, Kronic says that this will give RU an added weapon on offense. However, reliable sources have said that Kronic has unofficially stated that his real reason is, “Well, we have one friggin good player on the entire roster, of course I’m going to ride that horse until he’s dead.” Today’s final practice concluded with Kronic giving a speech about how there is no I in team.

SPORTS WORLD COLLECTIVELY GASPS IN AWE

In a stunning turn of events, Madden legend "Kronic Fatigue" has decided to leave the safe confines of the NFL and venture into the uncharted realm of college football. It appears that Kronic was so disgusted by "dmbblows" performance running their alma mata, "Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, for registration information, press one, for grade inquiry, press..." that he had to come back and right the ship.

"It's great to be back" said Kronic, as he was ordering extra hot sauce on his Fat Mr. C with egg (hold the rabbit food). "Hopefully, I'll turn this program around, but I may have to tear it down first...Hey, I said no lettuce!" Kronic is going to have his work cut out for him though, as he's never coached on the college level. In fact, he's only played 3 college games in his entire career, and that was while he was very very drunk. Nevertheless, Kronic's extreme confidence and utter lack of a life will be a deadly combination for RU.

The only thing that can come between Kronic and the championship now is the fact that he doesn't drive and needs his mom to pick up the game for him.