RU KIDDING ME? RU SHOCKED BY BEING THROWN OUT.

The whispers started around 8 am on college ave. By noon, there was a buzz in the air. By 3 pm, students were tipping over the grease trucks in protest. The unthinkable had happened. Rutgers, ranked 40th in the entire nation with a winning record in the Big East and overall failed to make a bowl. That’s not the half of it though. In what has to be one of the most shocking events since the ending of Usual Suspects, Rutgers University has been thrown out of the Big East and replaced by Connecticut.

Kronic Fatigue was not available for comment. The one reporter who was able to track down Coach K for comment is still missing and his body isn’t likely to be found. The coach did release a written statement which read in part: “You don’t need to be that commie Steve X to realize what’s going on here. This is a conspiracy of the first order. They are flat out scared of us and what we’ve been able to accomplish in two short years. We will not take this laying down. Next year, we are out for blood.”

What does this mean for the Rutgers program? The future is uncertain, and chaos reigns supreme in New Brunswick.