AS EXPECTED, KRONIC FATIGUE NAMES HIMSELF COACH

Athletic director Kronic Fatigue took little time in choosing who will be drawing up the x’s and o’s for Rutgers. In naming himself coach, Kronic may have bitten off a little more than he can chew. “That’s nonsense,” said an irked Kronic, “Have you ever seen me at a wings eating contest? You’d be shocked at how much I can chew.” On a serious note, Kronic will have little time to get to know his players before the season starts. “It’s tough. It’s not like I recruited these guys. Heck, I haven’t even had a real chance to talk with them. Take CB#32 for instance. To me, he’s just a position and a number. But that’s gottta change if we are going to come together as a team. I have to stop thinking of him as a Corner Back who wears the number 32, and instead think of him as an individual, CB#32.”

Speaking of CB#32, Kronic has decided to let him go both ways (calm down homophobes, we are talking offense and defense here) and will start him at tailback. “It’s an honor,” said CB#32, “in fact, the guys have been teasing me in the locker room and have nicknamed me RB#32.” On the record, Kronic says that this will give RU an added weapon on offense. However, reliable sources have said that Kronic has unofficially stated that his real reason is, “Well, we have one friggin good player on the entire roster, of course I’m going to ride that horse until he’s dead.” Today’s final practice concluded with Kronic giving a speech about how there is no I in team.